This Woman's Work
by 324b21niehaus
Summary: AU: having moved to san francisco a year and a half ago for her dream job, delphine never could have known that in less than eighteen months, she would find herself a grieving single parent, trying hard to deal with the death of her fiance while raising a three and a half year old. she finds out that she is not alone through the help of spirited librarian by the name of cosima.
1. Chapter 1

it had been two months, two incredibly long months since michel had passed. he had been an amazing man, someone who would have taken the shirt off of his back if he met someone who needed it more. he was the man who could always find a reason to smile, who knew every word to every lullaby— in french _and_ english— before he had ever laid eyes on his daughter. he had been ruggedly handsome, roughly around six feet tall, and had the most piercing green eyes, ones that he passed down onto our daughter. i suppose i never really paid attention to how she had not only his eyes, but that crooked little smile of his, too, and the way she would hide her face when she was truly delighted. she would somehow find a new way every day to make me remember him and how much he loved her, how much he loved me.

it had been a year in a half since i'd gotten the job at the research lab in the bay area and we had packed our things to move across the world. michel had been more than happy to let me chase my dreams; he was sure that he could find a nearby hospital to apply to. he loved his job as a nurse; it never surprised me much. he was a nurturer, a healer at heart, and it just seemed to suit him so well. sure, it was a little more difficult when seraphina was still a baby and he had to work twelve hour shifts, but we'd made it through no worse for wear. he always said that i'd let him chase his dreams and so, it was only fair to let me chase mine. so i accepted the job and we were leaving paris, waving goodbye from the plane window.

moving a two year old across an ocean is not an easy task, but it was something we were able to work through. it had helped that i was able to put her back into a routine trip made every saturday morning to the library. luckily, the home we'd bought in potrero hill had one that was within walking distance. every saturday morning, we would get up, each give michel a kiss on the cheek as he sat in his chair with his morning cup of hot coffee and the morning paper, and make our way out into the beginning of the day, holding hands and chatting happily about the animals sera would see in the trees, or running across the street.

the very first time we went, we had luckily arrived in time for a children's book reading done by one of the librarians and sera had been overly thrilled to be there in time to listen. she had padded over to the group of gathered children and plopped down between a couple of them, sitting up in eager anticipation as the woman on a stool before them grinned, looking down at the crowd of smiling little faces gathered before her, even my two and a half year old who had somehow managed to scoot her way to the front. i watched from the back, leaning against a book shelf as the woman, clad in a sleek but appropriate navy dress and a loose hanging scarf, straightened up and crossed her legs, setting the book she had been holding up on her knee as she opened it.

the way she read to the kids was nothing short of entertaining; she would sometimes prop the book on her thigh so that she could wave her hands around to accentuate the fluctuations of her animated tone and the way her dreads swung loosely over her shoulders. her eyes were so bright behind her thick rimmed spectacles and sparkled with an adorable intensity. she was so invested in an animated children's book that it was almost admirable. she probably could have picked up a phone book, read it aloud, and made it seem like the most interesting thing in the world.

it started becoming a weekly occurrence that sera would simply not let me forego, even though the readings were only on the last saturday of every month. we would walk to the library, and sera would scale the library in search of the excitedly animated librarian, who we had come to learn was named cosima. when she would find her, with me trailing not too far behind, she would constantly ask if she could read her a book, any book. "_cosie, another story, si vous plait?"_ she would always ask cutely, with a look that no human in their right mind could honestly deny. somehow, every saturday, cosima would make the time to read sera a story and sometimes, even two, with those same vivid and excited motions every single time. it was watching those one-on-one moments between them that gave me this strange feeling in my chest. it made me proud and at the same time, there was a sense of awe in watching them, sitting on the floor next to one another as sera leaned toward the woman to see the pictures and take in her gestures all at once. there were even times when cosima's voice would drop an octave to impersonate a monster that would elicit an incredibly sweet and adorable giggle from my daughter, one that almost always made my heart skip a beat.

it was after michel's passing that i came to realize how vital it was to stick to a routine, primarily for sera's sake. she handled the loss of her father in her own way; she was only three and a half and so, his absence tended to elicit a lot of questions from her, questions that i found too difficult to form answers to. how could i explain to a child that her father had died of cancer no one had seen coming, or that he was never going to be around to tuck her into bed again? i couldn't, it was impossible. so, the best thing i could do was keep everything else as normal as possible.

we didn't miss even a single saturday, but the cognizant book keeper also didn't miss a beat. after their usual story-time, she had given sera a couple of picture books to look through and clamored to her feet, making her way over to the table i had been perched at, watching the two of them, apparently with a bit of a hollow look in my eyes. "delphine," she managed quietly, snapping me out of the trance i had been in; initially, i hadn't even noticed her standing there, but my head jerked up and my eyes met her amber ones.

"sorry," i muttered quietly, clearing my throat. she placed herself in the chair across from me, the concern etched very obviously into the creases of her brow.

"don't apologize. is everything alright? you look like you haven't slept in days." at this, my eyes wandered to hers and my throat tightened; i wanted to cry, to admit to someone other than myself that no, everything was not fine, but despite the several conversations we had carried over the years, i did not want to burden her with my tendency to be over-emotional.

i cleared my throat again— a nervous habit— and pressed my lips together. "her father… my fiance… he passed away last sunday. she's not quite old enough to understand yet, and so… so i thought bringing her here could be good for her. if i didn't, i'm sure she would know something was wrong. perhaps it's best for her to stay… blissfully ignorant, at least to an extent." i could notice almost instantly that the other woman's face fell and the sorrow she felt was obvious in her expression, written out so clearly that she didn't even need to speak it.

she reached out and cupped her hands over mine on the table. her touch caught me off guard and i do not doubt that i looked startled as i found my gaze staring back into hers. "i won't apologize, because i know that you have enough people saying that they're sorry for your loss, and that sorrys can get a little stale." there was a gentle sense of understanding in her words, and her gentle touch. maybe she knew what loss was like, perhaps not in the way i did, but there was something in her demeanor that felt, to me, like empathy. "but i will tell you that if there is anything you need, you know where to find me." it was that invitation that was bound to shape the way the rest of my life was going to be, i just could never have known it at that precise moment in time.


	2. Chapter 2

after an arduous seven weeks, i knew that despite the kindness of my employers, i was going to have to return to work. that meant that i had seven days left to figure out how i was going to do so while feeling comfortable enough to be apart from seraphina. two months was a considerably long grieving period, as i'm sure anyone would admit, but i hadn't just lost my fiancè, my daughter had lost her father. there were times when sera would ask when she could see her papa again, mostly because i had told her that he was not coming back any more. i think she got the concept of his absence, but did not necessarily understand what those implications meant. even the brightest children choose, deep down, to acknowledge what they know to be truth and try to sidestep the parts they don't want to deal with.

my circle of friends in san francisco ran rather small; in the time we had lived there, when i wasn't working, it was at home with my family baking cookies or watching sera play in the water sprinkler. it wasn't that michel and i were not social, it was just that the time we had to be social was almost non-existent. michel had befriended a couple of groups of parents from when he had taken her to the park, or to little gatherings at the library, and i had done the same, but in those small groups, there was no one i deemed close enough to care for my daughter when i couldn't. as the week wore on, i was getting more stressed and more anxious about not having a solution. my mother had suggested placing her in a day care, but the idea did not settle well with me. yes, she would be around adults who specialized in childcare and she would be with other children, but i, like most parents, only wanted what i deemed best for my daughter, and that was not it.

as saturday rolled around, i did not doubt that the worry had made home for itself on my face, though i was constantly trying my best to not let it show. sera was clever, observant, and if she got any sense of my distress, it had her in knots and she was constantly doing everything she could just to get me to laugh, from drawing me pictures of the two of us waving to the clouds, or putting different toys and objects on her head, asking me if i liked her new hats. somehow, she was always that spark i'd needed to remember that i still had a light in my life and she was right in front of me. although she had not yet picked up on my distress, the same could not have been said for cosima. her smile was warm as she took her usual seat across the table from me, leaning forward on her elbows as if she knew something i did not. looking back, perhaps maybe she did and i just didn't know it yet. "your frown lines are going to become permanent," she informed me teasingly, though her voice was light, a sign she didn't want to upset me. we were both aware that i hadn't had much reason to do anything but frown, stress, and worry.

"if it's not one thing, it's always another," i admitted, defeated. for some reason, that particular day, i was doing everything i could to refrain from making eye contact with the other woman. when i did, for those few fleeting moments, i felt like she could see so much more than i was willing to share with her. she saw through the brick wall i'd been carrying around with me after michel's passing and it was so incredibly unnerving that it made my stomach knot around itself. how did she _do_ that? i certainly didn't give her that permission, but it did not seem to matter.

"how can i help?" the eagerness in her tone actually caught me off guard, though i don't know why. through the last several weeks, she had always been so persistent about being there if i needed someone above the age of three to talk to and willing to do anything she could to lighten the burden i was bearing on my shoulders. i shook my head gently, a frail smile tugging at the corners of my lips.

"non, it's alright. i'm just a bit… frazzled. see, i am supposed to return to work monday but alas, that is in two days and i still haven't the slightest idea what i'm going to do with sera while i work. if it were at all humane to keep her in my purse and by my side all of the time, i would, but somehow i feel there might be an ethical violation or six in there." i could watch her expression as she struggled to put together my words through the thickness of my accent; when i was flustered, it tended to cling to my words more than i intended.

her smile only seemed to grow, causing my brow to knit in confusion. why was she _smiling _like that? "well," she began, leaning back in her chair, "i mean… i know this sounds totes crazy…" i could tell as she debated the idea in her own mind, she was growing nervous, suddenly aware that maybe it would not fly with me. "but i only work here on the weekends and take night classes at berkley, which means most days, i'm looking for things to do. i could… i could always watch her for you, at least until you find something else?"

her offer honestly took me by surprise; i had watched her with sera every saturday for the last year and a half and honestly, i knew that sera adored her beyond words. cosima was good with her, was always taking time out of her day to read to her and tell her new interesting facts that i would often quiz her on later in the week. the last thing i had ever expected was for this incredibly free-spirited woman to_want _to spend her days watching my daughter. i could tell just by the way the brunette shrank before me that the look on my face had to be at least mildly confused, but my expression quickly softened. "you don't have to do that," i assured her, giving her an out, if she wanted it. her posture relaxed, though, and she donned a toothy grin.

"i know i don't, but i _want_ to, that's why i offered. if you don't want me to, i totally understand, but i know you guys have been through so much lately and even if it's just for a little while, i'd be happy to lend a hand. plus, i've never met a three year old so intelligent. she might end up watching me." as cosima laughed, i could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and my arms sheet in goosebumps. it was such a delightful sound, so care free and _happy. _my lips curled upward and i gave a slight nod.

"that… that would be wonderful, actually. _merci_."


	3. Chapter 3

"_allez, papillon, heure de se lever." _

despite my typical amount of charm, i never seemed to be much of a match for seraphina when it came to mornings. she whined at me and it took everything i had in me not to smile; she would always pop and eye open to see if i did, and when she saw it, it was like she felt accomplished, encouraged. so went the routine of our mornings, though. "_cinq minutes de plus, maman_," she managed, turning away from me as she pulled her comforter up to her shoulders. for being as young as she was, she sure had that down, didn't she? part of me was amused at the thought of her doing the same thing in another twelve or so years, and then softened by realizing it would probably send me on a trip to that particular memory, something i'd be fond of for years to come.

i closed her bedroom door behind me to keep the light from bothering her until i was ready to get her dressed and headed back down the hallway to my own room. as i thumbed through the closet, completely indecisive as to what to wear, i hesitated when i found something that did not belong; it was a shirt of michel's. i had thought that i had cleaned out all of his things, but i had obviously missed something; it wasn't the first time i had stumbled on something of his and it probably wouldn't be the last. i smiled to myself and for a moment, thinking about how proud he would be of sera, about how she was managing to just be a kid, to live her life without carrying around the burdens i was; it was my job to protect her from the heartache and i would, until she was ready. maybe i would never think her there, but there would come a day when that wasn't my decision to make.

i finished dressing and applied my make up, giving myself a once-over in the mirror. i was nervous; even i could see it in my eyes. i knew that there was nothing to worry about. i would undoubtedly slide right back into work without a care, but after having spent every day and night with sera, the idea of going more than a couple of hours without seeing her beautiful green eyes and tousled blonde hair was far from comforting to me. the nerves, though, did not pertain to any frets in regards to cosima. in fact, that was at the very last of the list of things that worried her. in a little under seventy eight weekend days through the last eighteen months, i had come to admire her; she was so lively, so in tune with the things and people around her that it was astonishing. she cared about so much for such a small person; the amount of heart she had more than exceeded her physical frame. i startlingly realized that i had absolutely no reserves in leaving sera in her care.

i made my way back to sera's room and knocked lightly, opening the door with a small smile to see her sitting up, rubbing at her eyes. _"bonjour, ma fille." _i greeted her. as she dropped her hands, she looked up at me with a sleepy smile, one that instantly melted my heart. i'd never considered the idea of children before i found out i was pregnant with seraphina, but the first time i looked at her, i knew i could never see my life going any other way.

"_maman?_" she asked quietly as she got to her feet so that i could help her get dressed.

"oui?"

"why are we up so early?"

"i have to go to work today, _papillon._" i pulled her pajama top off and helped her put on the replacement, doing the same with her flannel pants and trading them in for jeans. i smoothed out her hair as she looked up at me, a fear brimming in her eyes. she knew she couldn't come with me and i have no doubt her mind jumped to wanting to know what was going to happen to her. "you're going to spend the day with cosima. is that okay?"

the way her eyes lit up, the way her grin was sweeping and bright, it was one of those moments for me, where i realized just how much i loved her. i had somehow known that she would not oppose the idea; if there was anyone she could choose, i did not doubt that it was cosima. i could not explain the bond they had and i knew that i was no one to question it. she trusted the other woman and for now, it worked out for everyone. part of me wondered why cosima didn't skip a beat in offering her hand so readily; was that how she had been raised, to help those in need? maybe it was just who she had allowed herself to become. it didn't matter; what i could see her becoming was an incredibly good friend.

after buckling her in and a ten minute drive to the address that had been jotted down in cosima's neat scrawl, she was nearly bursting from her car seat, excited to see her librarian friend. i lifted her out and took her hand, gently instructing her to stay close to my side as we crossed the street and she eagerly nodded her head in agreement. there was a stone walkway through the front yard that led from the sidewalk to the door and sera did not hesitate to let go of my hand and skip across the stones, exclaiming that she couldn't touch the grass. her giggles filled the crisp morning air and i swore in that moment that there would never be a better beginning to any day. i watched as she bounced up to the front door and knocked three times, the dainty taps of her fist barely giving much of a knock at all, but it had apparently been loud enough, as suddenly, the door was opening and cosima was greeting the day just as we had; with a smile.

"bonjour, cosima!" sera greeted a bit loudly for how early it was, but the other woman did not seem to mind in the least.

"good morning, sera!" just watching their exchange had me smiling from ear to her, though i quickly realized that i was going to be late and that was the last thing i wanted on my first day back. i stepped forward, dropping sera's bag from my shoulder.

"i have anything and everything you might need from snacks to books. i wish i could stay longer but…" i was genuinely apologetic; partly because it was difficult to walk away from my little girl, no matter whose hands she was in.

instantly, cosima threw up her hands, her expression relaxing automatically. "no, no!" she insisted, her hands waving a bit more emphatically. "don't worry. i'll see to it that we have a good day and learn a lot of interesting things! the world is full of knowledge to be learned!" she took the bag from me and threw it over a shoulder, holding the door open as sera trotted inside, hesitating next to comia's side as we spoke. "go! don't be late! and try not to worry so much, those lines are bad enough as it is!"

with only a slight hesitation and a slight wave, i smiled at cosima and as i turned to make my way back to the walk, i felt a tug at the tail of my jacket. i turned to see sera staring up at me expectantly. "non sans un baiser, maman!" i laughed softly and stooped down, placing a light kiss on each cheek before she did the same thing in return to me.

"au revoir, papillon, avoir une journée incroyable!" she made her way back to cosima and as i turned to make my way back to the car, i could hear the other woman post a quiet question.

"_you're gonna have to teach me french,_" she joked. "_then we can have top secret conversations, too._"

going back to work, it was honestly like riding a bicycle. no matter how much time went by, you could never forget how. everyone was like a family, the few other scientists i worked with were almost like a family; they had all sent flowers and expressed their condolences. coming back, i think they all understood my need for a sense of normalcy, to get on with my life again. at lunch, i fought with every ounce of my being to not call and check in on sera; i didn't want cosima to think i was that crazy mom who didn't trust anyone. but _why_? why did i care what cosima thought of me, or how i took care of my daughter? i had always been so independent, so unafraid of any or all judgement placed upon me by other people. so then what made her any different? i didn't know, but i knew i couldn't dwell on it and instead kept busy until it was time to hang up my lab coat and make my way home to see my girl.

making my way up cosima's front walk for the second time that day, even i couldn't resist the urge to skip a few of them. it was silly, and i knew that, but it also brought out a small sliver of laughter, a sound which was foreign to my ears. after knocking and waiting a few moments, cosima came to the door, a smile causing her cheeks to push up her glasses the tiniest bit. "i'm really sorry, i tried to keep her up so she would sleep tonight, but she's wiped. i didn't mean to wear her out."

was she serious? i was partially sure she was, but i wanted her to be kidding. she was an absolute blessing. i would be able to go home, cook dinner, get her a bath and put her to bed where she would sleep through the night. "do not worry," i assured her, gently reaching out to touch her fingers lightly, just a brush of a touch, barely there.

cosima's shoulders relaxed and that crescent moon of a smile returned to her lips. "would you…" she hesitated, that nervous gleam sparking in her eyes as it had before. "would you like to come in, maybe stay for some tea?"

i studied her and was quickly able to tell that her nerves were nearly tangible. "that would be nice," i replied and stepped inside as she motioned for me to do so. she put on a kettle and we found ourselves on stools at the kitchen counter. "i hope she was not too much of a handful for you." i started, not knowing why my very first instinct was to apologize; i knew sera and i knew that she was a delight compared to most kids her age.

cosima rolled her eyes playfully, dismissing me with a light wave of her hands. "are you kidding me? i think i might have had more fun than she did." the way she ginned, the airy quality of her tone, i was so taken by her, by the incredibly sweet disposition she seemed to carry with her consistently. "we even planted some herbs in the garden out back."

"oh, you cook?" i questioned. the words fell out of my mouth before i could stop them. it was a silly inquiry but it was so automatic and there had been no hope in repressing it.

if it were possible, her grin seemed to widen. "i do. sera thinks i make the best grilled cheese…" she paused, her mouth pulling into a tight 'o' shape as she looked completely shocked. her face broke, though, and she was smiling again. "she told me not to tell you that, but i have a feeling you're not too upset." she was right, i wasn't. maybe if it would have been anyone else, i might have been, but because it was her? how could i be?

we spent the next forty minutes talking over tea, sharing jokes and quiet laughs but as i glanced up to peer into the living room, i could see sera starting to stir. "i should probably get her home. but thank you for the tea and the conversation. we should do this more often." her response was… for lack of a better term, impossibly adorable. there was a new light in her face that traveled to her eyes and she was nodding her head, those dreads happily swinging over her shoulders.

"that sounds wonderful. see you tomorrow morning?" she was in the doorway as i crossed the room and picked up sera's bag and then pulled her into my arms, her cheek slumping to rest on my shoulder, a quiet grumble falling from her lips. i nodded my head in response to cosima's question and thanked her twice more, once for being a last-minute babysitter and once as she held open the door for me, noting that i very obviously had my hands full. she turned back into the house and gave a final wave before she slipped inside, leaving me staring at the door she had just passed through.

after dinner, forty five minutes of planet earth, and a bath, i found myself nestled alongside sera in her bed, my fingers playing lightly with her wet hair as i sang her favorite lullaby, watching contentedly as her eyes grew heavy, the exhaustion catching up to her. "_dodo, l'enfant do, l'enfant dormira bien vite. dodo, l'enfant do l'enfant dormira bientôt. une poule blanche, est là dans la grange. qui va faire un petit coco, pour l'enfant qui va fair' dodo._" her breathing had evened out and i was sure that she had drifted off, but as i moved to get up, she stirred, rubbing at her eyes.

"_maman?_" she posed in a whisper.

"_oui ma cherie?_"

"_do i get to see cosima again?_"

"_oui, tomorrow. is that okay?_" i think i saw her head nod slightly on her pillow, but she did not verbalize an answer. i left her door cracked and made my way downstairs to finish up the dishes before i headed to bed. in the process of doing so, though, a thought struck me.

i wasn't sure who was more excited to see cosima the following day, seraphina… or me.


	4. Chapter 4

**author's note:** this got outrageously long ridiculously fast, so my apologies, but all the fluffiness is completely worth it. i promise. also, its 4:30 so more apologies for any typos or grammar issues!

—-

"toi me manque, papillon!" i stepped over the threshold into cosima's home and was instantly met with sera darting toward my legs. i stooped down and held my arms open, overwhelmed with warmth as she ran into them, hugging me. it was the most rewarding feeling, as a parent, to have to work and still come home to something so wonderful, no matter how your day had previously gone. it made it all better.

"maman, maman, cosima a des diamants!" as she pulled back to look up at me, there was a twinkle in her eye that was completely astonishing. it had become more than obvious to me in the past four days that i had made the right decision; this woman was an absolute natural and she had completely charmed my daughter. _who could blame her?_ a small voice in the back of my mind would say, but i tried my hardest to pretend it wasn't there.

"diamonds, hm?" i asked, glancing up at the librarian with a smile

"well, not diamonds," she clarified with a warm smile, in no way being condescending in correcting seraphina, her hands wringing around one another. it was, if i didn't know any better, a sign of nervousness. hadn't she realized; she had nothing to be nervous about when it came to me. she was an angel, in my eyes "quartz. a gift from my father before he passed away."

have you ever put a puzzle together and there are, say, two pieces left and no matter which way you turn them, they don't appear to go in either open space? perhaps like they seem to be from another puzzle entirely? and then, in one magical moment, you flip them the right way, put them into place, and you see the whole picture, the finished puzzle? for eighteen months, more specifically the last two, cosima had been my puzzle. i had spent weeks on weeks trying to figure her out, to understand her motives for being so kind to a stranger. i had not realized that we weren't strangers anymore, not really, nor had i stopped to realize that she, someone who was so light on the surface and so full of life, could have seen loss in her own time. it made sense; the way she pulled herself inward, the nervous wringing of her hands. in all that time previously spent with her had i never seen her so… reserved, and knowing why caused everything else to fall together.

i fought it with every ounce of my being, but i could feel my eyes glass over with the threat of tears. it was all just so incredibly overwhelming, every new piece of knowledge i gained about this woman. she had been such an enigma previously, but it was all slowly unraveling and on her terms. i lifted sera into my arms and looked over at cosima, a sad but knowing smile just barely gracing my lips. as her honey-almond gaze locked with mine, i felt an inexplicable tide of emotion wash over me, like i was seeing things for the first time and overwhelmed with the intensity. she gave the slightest of nods with a returned smile and if i would have blinked, i might have missed it, but the sentiment was there.

"i hate to say it, but i have an earlier class tonight. i'd much rather stay here with the two of you and talk about the most boring things we could possibly think of. it would still be more fun than attending a lecture." there it was, a sound i had… what? _missed?_ cosima's laughter was so sweet, so gentle. thankfully, i didn't have much time to dwell on it as sera started squirming in my arms, wanting down.

"what are you doing, ma chérie?" i asked her as her feet hit the ground.

"i need to say au revoir!" she replied back brightly, beginning to scour the living room, looking under furniture and bookshelves.

"to who?"

"le chaton!" i cocked a brow and looked to cosima, who was grinning so widely that her cheeks pushed up her glasses the tiniest bit.

"my kitten. darwin." instantly, i was smiling so widely my face felt like it might crack.

"you're a biologist." i was smiling again. it made sense; the classes, the tattoo, the books on her shelves that she thought i didn't notice, and now the name of her cat.

"evo devo," she replied coolly, though i did not initially catch on. she was still grinning at me as i thought, almost like she could hear what was going through my mind.

"evo…lutionary developmental biology!" the amusement that danced in her eyes at my verbalized line of logic amazed me. how did she hold such a maintained sense of youthfulness and innocence while being so… brilliant? i did not need to see her work on paper to know that much.

sera approached me, carrying the small ball of fur like precious cargo in her arms as if she wanted me to say goodbye, too. i took the kitten from her and held him close to my face, marveling at how small he was. "au revoir, darwin," i cooed. i handed him over to cosima and turned to pick up sera's bag before taking her hand. "au revoir, cosima!" we chirped in unison, unintentionally, causing the both of us to giggle. we waved and as we headed through the door, i heard something i had not been expecting.

"au revoir! vous voir demain!"

i wanted to stop, to go back in. but then what? what would i do? just four days ago, she had jokingly mentioned that sera should teach her french and then that? i glanced down at the toddler trying to keep stride next to me and she instantly gave herself away— her hand was clasped to her mouth and she was giggling. "seraphina…" i trailed, raising an eyebrow in suspicion.

"oui, maman?" she answered, her voice sweet as sugar. looking down at her again, i found those bright green eyes staring back up into mine as she batted her lashes for effect.

"did you teach cosima how to say that?"

she giggled back in response and i had my answer. i scooped her up into my arms and placed several kisses over her face. "mon petit génie!" she was laughing, squirming in my arms, demanding that i put her down. i had joined in her laughter as i managed to open the car door. as i started to fasten her into her car seat, she reached up with both hands and pushed up my cheeks. "what are you doing, silly girl?" i questioned, breathing a light laugh.

"making you smile, maman."

that night, sleep was not a friend to me. in fact, sleep was not even an acquaintance. i had laid with sera well after she had fallen asleep; part of me didn't want to move and another part of me liked having her so close after almost and entire week of missing her for eight hours a day. even after i found the gumption to move, my mind simply would not rest. i had showered and even attempted sleep, but the gears simply wouldn't stop turning.

as a scientist, facts were power to me, almost like a form of currency. so then why was i letting myself get so wrapped up in these ridiculous emotions? part of me, most likely located near my heart, wanted me to believe that in that moment of realization that afternoon, there was a connection that had been established the moment my eyes met cosima's. it was like trying to spend the money from the game monopoly in the real world, letting emotions dictate over facts. it just wasn't possible. i had done that once before and look at where it had gotten me— that logic was flawed. yes, i had been hurting and healing, but i still had a life, one with my beautiful daughter, and i owed it to her to make the most out of each and every day we had.

the more i thought about it, the more i realized that i was letting guilt dominate my frame of mind. how could i let my guards down like that? it had been just over nine weeks since michel's passing and yet, this woman, with a single glance, was what? giving me _butterflies?_ it was ludicrous, absolute insanity. the last thing i could give any thought to was becoming emotionally vested in someone else. i told myself that it wasn't fair; it wasn't fair to cosima, to me, but most importantly, it wasn't fair to sera.

i had pulled a few books from my own shelves and kept myself up and occupied for the rest of the night, clutching a warm mug of tea between my palms to keep them from going cold. by the time morning came and the sun climbed slowly over the horizon, i felt simultaneously exhausted and yet, ready to begin the day. it was the same routine of coaxing sera out of bed, though it seemed to be considerably easier than it had at the beginning of the week. i scolded myself for immediately attributing that to cosima. the entire drive over, i had talked myself into not letting my tendency to over-think things make any interactions between us awkward. we could be adults and nothing had to change. if only i could stay out of my own damn head.

i had tried to keep it short, primarily because i knew that even with makeup, the bags beneath my eyes still revealed themselves, and i also knew that cosima was entirely too perceptive for her own good. although she made no mention of it, her ability did not disappoint. as i was saying my goodbyes to sera, cosima disappeared into the kitchen and returned, holding both hands out toward me; in one hand was a travel mug of tea and in the other was a b12 vitamin. "i had some extra tea and… well, i obviously don't need to explain to you of all people the benefits of b12."

where, actually, had this woman come from? was this all, in reality, a dream that i was bound to wake up from? no one person could honestly be so observant, kind, and considerate all at once. she'd taken one look at me and was able to know that i hadn't slept well, or possibly even at all. how did she _do_ it? i insisted that i would be fine, but she was persistent, not giving up. i was stubborn, at least until she pointed out that if i stood there and argued with her any longer, i was going to make myself late for work. my eyes narrowed and i tried to glare at her, hating that she was right, but she laughed, which turned into a sweeping grin, her tongue poking just barely between the two rows of pearly whites. for a brief second, i caught myself wondering if she was even _human._ obviously it was absurd, but she was just too incredibly good to be true.

i thanked her, gave sera one last kiss on the top of the head, and made my way to work, my mind still so stuck on the perpetual kindness cosima always seemed to offer. not only was i beginning to figure her out when it came to certain aspects, but she was keeping up that appearance of illusion when it came to other parts of her. i was so fervently perplexed by her that it was beginning to drive me crazy. i had this sudden craving for knowledge, for her knowledge, to learn everything i could about her, but i knew how aggressive it seemed. the last thing i needed to do was scare off the only friend i really had.

part of me hated that i was allowing cosima and thoughts of her to consume my mind, even as i worked. i could focus, yes, but on more than one thing at a time. yes, i was able to perform and do my duties, but my mind had been able to wander at the same time. when had i let this happen? _why_ had i let this happen? i needed to learn how to separate possibly contrived, non-existent feelings and the solid, honest facts. that, though, was a task in and of itself. my mind was, even hours later, in a state of disarray as i made my way down the familiar streets, leading me straight to cosima's. everything that had been playing on repeat in my head, everything that i had been letting get to me, it had to go before i stepped into her home. that was nothing more than wishful thinking and logically, i knew it.

i tapped gently on the screen door with two knuckles and could hear cosima's voice from a distance, my guess was to signal me to come inside, so i did. the moment i stepped inside, the smell enveloped me whole and it was heavenly, like fresh baked bread from the bakeries in paris. "revenir ici maman!" sera called and i followed the sweet sound of her voice, leading me back to kitchen to see her with flour on her nose and her hands clutching shredded cheese. "look! we are making dinner!" sera was so thoroughly excited, i could tell just by her tone, that i could hardly keep the smile from sliding onto my lips.

"i promise i was going to clean her up before you got here," cosima assured me, which elicited laughter from me.

"you should know by now that your apologies and sorrow are not needed here. i am her mother, after all. i know how much effort it takes to keep a growing mind entertained." cosima smiled, but quickly wiped off her hands before turning to the oven and grabbing a mitt. the pizza she pulled out was rather small and covered in broccoli and pepperoni— without a doubt, i knew it was for sera.

"you have to wait for it to cool first, okay?" she informed sera, who nodded, distracted by her task of putting the cheese clutched in her small fists on the sauce-laden dough beneath her. seeing her there, kneeling on the chair next to cosima so that she could reach the counter, it caused my heart to squeeze in my chest. my brain cataloged it, tucked it away for a later date to be used as a sentimental memory. cosima glanced up at me over her shoulder and offered up an incredibly warm smile. "i thought maybe at the end of a long week, the last thing you'd want to do was cook."

"you truly are a _bénédiction_." her brow knit together and a thin line of concentration creased her smooth forehead. i cracked a smile and translated for her. "blessing."

she had started to say something but she was cut off by sera. "maman! cosima and i, all of the légumes came from the back yard!" it was her excited way of telling me they had picked the vegetables for the toppings of the pizzas they had been making. i tilted my head at cosima, a brow popping in curiosity.

"so not only do you grow herbs, but you have a vegetable garden, too? color me impressed." as i leaned against the hard wood of the doorway, i could almost sense cosima's grin grow exponentially.

"i'm a grower, not a shower," she joked and even if i could not _see_ it that well, i could _hear_ the way her lips twisted into a pleased smirk at her own humor in her tone of voice. i, myself, laughed far louder than i had intended and immediately clasped a hand over my mouth, my eyes dancing with the amusement i'd found in her words. she looked up at me and for a moment, i felt as though the look in her eyes mirrored my own, though her grin was far bigger than my own.

i had simply waited in the wings, watching as the two of them worked, placing the other pizza— the one for cosima and i to share— in the oven before getting sera squared away with hers. i'd taken the seat next to her at the table as cosima bustled about the kitchen. a moment later, she approached the table, cradling two glasses of red wine in her palms. she handed one to me and while i should have been apprehensive or insisted that she had done enough as it was, i couldn't turn her away. it was just one glass, with dinner, and it had been months since i'd had a drink. she held up her glass with a comforting smile. "to fridays," she toasted and i tapped the edge of my own glass to hers.

"to fridays."

dinner had been wonderful; it was nice to have another addition, although i would gladly eat dinner alone with sera for the rest of my life if i had to. there was just something about the way i could look at the other woman as we shared theories and knowledge back and forth like an express way and just feel like someone truly _understood. _she spoke so passionately about the things she knew, the things she had learned, and each and every gesture she made seemed like a vital part of her language, the way she communicated with me. it was surreal, and completely mesmerizing. sera would often roll her eyes or do mocking gestures with her hands, but each time, cosima and i would laugh, undoubtedly encouraging her. after dinner, i had volunteered to clean up because the two of them had worked so hard making such an amazing meal and while cosima tried to protest, i did not waste time in telling her it was a battle she was not going to win.

as i did the dishes, she put on a movie for sera— one of her favorites— the aristocats. sera had placed herself on the floor, her head propped up on a pillow with darwin curled up in the crook of her arm. shortly after i finished, i joined cosima on the couch. before i could even take the breath to say much of anything, cosima put up a hand to silence me.

"i know what you're going to say, and i'm going to tell you almost the same thing you told me. there's no need for your thanks here." she turned her head to look at me and her lips curled in that particular way that sparked a small burning sensation in the pit of my stomach. "i'm just paying it forward."

my expression softened and i was at a loss for words. she was so incredibly sweet that it was irrational, and she was so understanding that it seemed like something ripped right out of fiction, the way i had always expected a hero to be. i glanced down at the floor and smiled the slightest bit to see sera on her side, curled up with darwin, asleep. it was still so amazing how somehow, sera had been so drawn to this woman and how, in her own ways, cosima had already positively impacted not just sera's life, but mine, too. before i realized what it was i was doing, i glanced down to see my hand wrapped over top of cosima's fingers, squeezing gently. it was saying everything, all of the words my dry throat could not form, but even i had been unaware of my unspoken form of communication, at least until i looked up.

all at once, it was like the lightning had started and the thunder was rolling in, at the very core of my brain. every last electron was pulsing, flashing, and i felt like i was short-circuiting. cosima's lips on my own caught me so immeasurably off guard that it— quite literally— stole the breath from my lungs. she tasted of wine with a small trace of mint— probably from the tictac she had been toying with earlier. my hands desperately sought out her face and initially, i wasn't sure if it was in desire or panic, but the panic quickly won out. my eyes were wide as i pulled my face back an inch or so away from hers. "cosima… i—" before i could even fail at another attempt to form words, she was speaking.

"oh god, delphine… i… you're not… god, i'm _so_ sorry." there was a lump rising in my throat and i was at a complete loss. i couldn't tell her not to apologize, even though i wanted to, but i also couldn't lie and tell her that it hadn't completely rocked my comprehension of the way my life was going.

instinctively, i wet my lips and was met with a taste of wine; i was sure my imagination threw in the dash of mint just for cruel effect. as i got to my feet, i cleared my throat. "we should… i should get her home and in bed. it's late."

"of course, of course." she tried to keep that upbeat pitch to her voice, but i could hear the panic she was bearing just as plain as i could see it on her face. i couldn't handle this, not all at once. i needed time to process it. i slipped sera's shoes into her bag and picked her up— she barely even stirred aside from wiping at her eyes.

"we'll see you on monday," i told her quietly, trying not to further rouse seraphina from sleep. i offered a bit of an awkward wave and made my way out the door, my mind still racing a million miles a minute. what had just happened? why did i feel so horrified? i wasn't repulsed by her. if anything, i was in awe of everything she was. but i had run. like a coward with my tail between my legs, i had run. the fasten of sera's car seat clicked into place and i had turned to shut the door, but the sound of my daughter's voice stopped me.

"_maman?" _she questioned groggily. i hummed in response, encouraging her to continue. "_why do we have to leave?_"

for a moment, i nearly sputtered; i was sure my heart had leaped into my throat. "it's night time, ma chérie. time for you to go home and go to bed. why do you ask?"

she rubbed at her eyes and snuggled into her car seat. "_because cosima makes you smile more than i can._"

i leaned over and kissed her forehead without another word and shut the door. i needed a moment and so, i leaned against the car, running my hands over my face and through my hair. "_merde._" even my three year old had, in her own simplistically strange way, derived the core importance of this… friendship? between cosima and i. is that what it could be called? maybe while sera had been teaching cosima bits of french, cosima had been teaching sera how to be perceptive in her own right.

the scariest part was that she was _right._


	5. Chapter 5

if i had, for one second considered that the weekend might offer me some or any form of respite. i had been gravely mistaken. i thought that going two entire days without having to see cosima, it could do me good. do you ever try and convince yourself of something even though you know it's a blatant lie? that was exactly what i was doing. i'd attempted to con myself into thinking that without having to _see_ her, i might somehow find a way to stop _thinking_ about her.

it was foolish of me. even if i would have gotten away from thinking about her, the moment i exhausted myself to sleep, my subconscious would slowly begin to slip bits and pieces of her, moments with her, into my dreams. it was unfair, to say the least. i woke up in the middle of the night, both angry and confused. i was angry because i had no control; it was the one thing i had maintained all throughout my life, even recently, and yet, she had unknowingly disarmed me of it.

i was frustrated more than anything, though i couldn't let it show. i still had a little girl to take care of and i still needed to forget my thoughts and instead enjoy her company. it was easy, once i let her silly, odd musings dominate the thoughts i continuously kept having about the librarian. sera was an easy distraction, something that pulled me into this world, to submerge me in her light. it was so easy to remember why i had fallen in love with the idea of being a mother, of having a family. it was in the small moments, in those times when she didn't have to do a thing but look at me and suddenly, i just felt… better.

it had been simple enough to distract myself with her, but she was also too sly for her own good. saturday morning, she had gotten angry with me when i let her sleep through the morning and perhaps inadvertently ensured that we would, for the first time in eighteen months, miss our saturday morning trip to the library. she was more upset with me than i think i'd ever seen before that time; she had cried and told me that i was being unfair. i hadn't realized the extent of her disdain until she had looked me square in the eye and announced that "if i didn't want to see cosima, i could have just dropped her off and left." she had stomped back to her room and tried her hardest to slam her door.

it hurt, to see how in-tune she was with me, with my emotions. i never wanted her to be that connected with me at such a young age, to be so adept at understanding me. it was _terrifying._ there were so many things racing through my mind as i sat down on one of the stools at the island in the kitchen and held my head in my hands. i wasn't sure what was more upsetting; the fact that she had so easily figured out that we had not gone because i wasn't sure how to deal with my reactions to cosima, or the fact that she thought i could just drop her off somewhere and not think twice about it. i was aware that it was her immature, flawed logic, but it still stung parts of me i hadn't been aware existed.

i had quickly come to the realization that i was allowing these things to get out of hand. my heart was getting the best of me and what? over a kiss? of course it wasn't just a kiss; it was something so much more than that, if for no other reason than it had completely upended my life, my thought processes, my… well, everything. i was so set on convincing myself that what i was doing, by trying to ignore and avoid the situation with cosima, was the right thing. i was convinced that sera needed me more than anything else and that i couldn't give that to her if i was distracted by trying to form another relationship. obviously, though,i was already starting to fail her by denying it.

i gave her the time she needed to cool off. every so often, i would press my ear to her door and listen as hard as i could and be relieved when i would hear her attempting to read one of the books we had gotten for her the previous weekend at the library. she must have gotten them out of her bag, which led me to the realization that cosima had most likely read them to her throughout the week. _why?_ why was suddenly everything drawing lines, no matter how jutted or scribbled, right back to cosima. the taste of tea, the sound of sera's giggle, most certainly thinking of wine. they all connected back to her when previously, their lines had drawn nowhere at all.

after an hour, i gave the lightest of taps on seraphina's door and was not surprised when there was no answer. i gave another tap, closing my eyes as i pressed my forehead to the door frame. "ma belle chérie, veuillez ouvrir la porte." my words were soft and my tone was pleading; i just wanted to talk to her. there was a hesitation, but after a moment i could hear her tiny feet padding across the carpet. the handle rattled and slowly turned, followed by her gently pulling the door open. i glanced down to see her staring back up at me. her eyes were no longer red, but there were still a few paths down her cheeks where tears she had not wiped at had dried on her skin.

"_i'm sorry, maman,_" she whimpered quietly as she buried her face in my thigh, hugging my leg so unbearably tight. i tilted my head up toward the ceiling and tried to choke back the emotion that was welling up in my chest and throat. reaching down, i gently pried her arms off of my leg and lifted her up into my arms. as i ran my hand over her tousled blonde hair, i forced a smile. "i did not mean to be so red." my face softened at her words; we had a color system, one that helped her express her emotions when screaming and crying was not acceptable. green was, of course, happy. yellow, it meant that she was upset and needed her space. red, though, was reserved for anger and the fact that she had been angry with me was enough to cause an ache to form in my chest.

i carried her into my room and sat down on the bed, still holding her tightly in my arms. as she looked up at me with so many unspoken questions in her eyes, she touched my face. her mouth turned down at the edges and there was worry sparkling dully in her eyes. "what is it, papillon?" i asked her quietly. her fingers splayed delicately over my cheeks and i could not refrain from turning my head to kiss her palm.

"why are you scared, maman?" my eyes widened and i felt like i had swallowed a match. my mouth was dry and i was, yet again, taken aback by her realm of comprehension. i was struggling again, trying to find an answer that i couldn't begin to compile.

"because i don't want to let you down." my answer was vague and weak, at least it would be to her, but i knew just how accurate it was. i didn't want to let her down, and i didn't want to let michel down. how could i become to enraptured with someone else when i swore he was the one i'd spend my life with? i could have sworn by the statement and yet, there i was, in a crisis of conscience because it was coming to my attention that i was feeling things, thinking things, that i did not want to profess.

the rest of the day, sera and i had made lunch and watched movies, staying curled up in my bed. we had nowhere else to be, and it was always nice having those lazy days full of her laughter and the way she would cuddle into my side. nothing could have been made it better, or at least that was what i told myself at the time. she had fallen asleep some time after eight and i had decided to let her stay where she was, in bed with me. it would be the perfect thing to wake up to on a sunday morning that was supposed to be filled with storms.

somewhere throughout the night, i'd found myself unable to sleep. initially, i'd just stared at her in awe, replaying the events of the day through my head. i was letting this tread onto the edge of the relationship i had with my daughter, and that left me with so many mixed emotions. i wanted to be objective, to draw boundaries but the very opposite was becoming incredibly clear. there wasn't a single way in the world i could draw those boundaries or see things in a rational light.

i climbed out of bed, careful not to disturb my sleeping toddler, and made my way into the walk-in closet. as i flipped on the light, my gaze lingered on the now-barren side, the side that had belonged to michel. it had become simple enough, to stuff down the tears, but i knew that was, most likely, not going to be possible this time. i reached above where my blouses and jackets hung and moved a few things out of the way, finding a wooden box that i had tucked there the day after michel's death. i, to that day, hadn't looked inside of it, but it was the one piece of him i had left and foolishly, i thought perhaps it would offer me some clarity. pulling it down and glancing at the perfectly finished top, i couldn't have fathomed just how much clarity it would give. i sat down on the soft carpet, my eyes fluttering shut as i set the box down in my lap, my legs folded over one another.

my hands trembled above the lid, second guessing every inclination i had to pull it off. i knew what was inside; it was just some of his best ties and several sets of his cuff links. so then where was my apprehension coming from? inhaling slowly through my nose, i found my resolve and pulled it off. as i looked down into the box, though, there was something i had not been expecting. it was an envelope, almost looking brand new, and it had my name written across it in his neat scrawl. my stomach lurched and i silently willed my body not to get sick. after a few long, slow breaths, i could feel my stomach settle. what i had not realized, though, until i saw the droplets on the envelope, smudging the ink, was that i had started crying.

with my hands trembling far harder than they had been before, i picked up the letter and clasped it tightly to my chest. just from being with his things, it smelled like him and it caused my heart to squeeze. slowly and meticulously, i opened the envelope and pulled out the pieces of paper that had been inside. my heart was beating so hard against my ribs that it could have given a drumline a run for its money. nothing could have prepared me for the next six and a half minutes it took me to read the letter.

_my dearest delphine,_

_if you have found this, you are probably reaching the last of my things to donate or get rid of. do not worry, i do not blame you. lord knows if i were in your position, it would be so incredibly difficult for me to live with so many traces of you looming around. i know how hard it would be for me to have to look seraphina in the eyes and know you were not on this earth anymore. i __**understand**__. _

_the point of this letter is not to make you feel guilty. in fact, it is quite the opposite. you know, you asked me, the night i proposed to you, as we were laying in bed and watching the stars through the skylight, if i believed in soulmates. you never answered your own question, and i think that was because you didn't know it. perhaps that was why you were asking me, because you needed the answer to my query to help derive your own opinions. i had laughed and i still remember how dejected you looked, and how terrible i felt for making you feel that way. i smiled at you and kissed your forehead before i gave you my response. 'i believe that we're bound to love who we love. our love may blossom, it may wilt, and we may see it grow in other gardens. we should not limit ourselves to where we can spread that beauty.' _

_you may wonder why i'm reminding you of this. you may be upset with me because i am gone and still trying to teach you life lessons. i am not sure how long it will take you to open my box, let alone this letter, and i can not claim to have any foreknowledge of what may come into yours and sera's lives, but the inevitable will happen. you, with your bright smile and beautiful eyes, will undoubtedly charm someone else, maybe without even trying to. you will worm your way into another heart, just like you did to mine, and you will find a home there. who knows if it will happen tomorrow, or if it will happen in ten years as sera is begging for a cell phone and more make up than i personally would know what to do with. the point is, it __**will**__ happen. _

_i know you, so well in fact, that i know you will fight this with every ounce of who you are. i know you will feel bad, that your heart will want one thing while your mind is begging for another. you cannot yield on my behalf. you know as well as i do that living a life without love? what is the point? all i'm asking is that when you find that heart, the place to make your new home, make sure it lies within someone who will do what i could not, who will love sera as much as i would have, and who loves you just as much. if you can find that, if you can find someone with that much feeling in their bones and in their heart, then i want you to plant those seeds, to see how beautiful that garden can be. do not be afraid, no matter how much your mind tries to tell you to. embrace what could grow, if you nurture it enough._

_i want nothing for the best for you and for seraphina. don't deny yourself that, should the time ever come._

_with love,_

_michel._

by the end of the first paragraph, i had completely surrendered to my will to keep from crying. i had not expected to find this blatant of an answer, something that had been waiting so readily in my own closet. i had also not expected for michel to ever know that i could be in this position. who was i kidding, though? he knew me better than anyone, or at least he had. maybe he had known, from the very first day we had found out about his diagnosis, that this moment was perpetually inevitable.

maybe sera had not gotten her powers of perception from cosima in recent days at all. no, she had very obviously gotten them from her father. i wiped at my face and sniffled softly, delicately folding his letter back up and putting it in the envelope. i still found tears sneaking down my cheeks as i placed the letter in the top drawer of my dresser and glanced over at the sleeping angel nestled into my pillows. michel was right, even beyond the constraints of life and death. i owed it not only to sera, but to myself, to stop feeling so guilty about the way i was feeling. the only thing ignoring it was going to do was hurt everyone involved, and he last thing i ever wanted was to see that look in sera's eyes ever again.

we used the majority of sunday for more constructive things, like painting and learning new words. by the time monday was upon us, i had promised myself that i would find some resolve in the way i had left things friday evening. i would attempt to fix things, but in my own time. as we made our way up the walk to cosima's front door, the hand that wasn't lightly clutching sera's was clammy and my stomach was knotted up. i knocked three times and stepped back, pressing my lips together. for now, i would tell her not to apologize, and not to worry. i would tell her that we would talk that evening. she opened the door and despite the fact that my brain almost went blank, i knew i had to start somewhere.

"bonjour, cosima."


	6. Chapter 6

"_you're running late, i understand._"

"_i know, i know. i'm so sorry, i really… i'm not upset, i promise. and we'll talk. i was just an idiot and didn't give myself enough time to do it this morning and i—_" _always with the hands, but it got me to stop talking._

"_delphine, i know._" _the smile. that disarming, charming, sweet smile._ "_we'll talk later. now go! you're going to be_ _late!_"

it was like a movie clip, playing on repeat in my head the entire way to work. it was insane if i thought it would stop once i started working. it seemed so insignificant, like it was nothing more than a brief moment, a simple interaction and yet, it had me completely tied up. maybe it was because i knew so much more than cosima did, maybe because i understood things in a new light and her knowledge of that having happened was little to none.

there was still some part of me that was truly shaken by the way things had unfolded, by finding the things i needed to find when i needed to find them, both the letter _and _cosima. my head was still trying to tell me that i was getting far too ahead of myself, that i shouldn't be exploring the possibility of having feelings for someone else so soon after michel's passing, but he himself had hit the nail on the head; he had known me down to the last freckle on my back, inside and out, and he'd been able to foresee and predict my reaction. he had not known when it would happen, nor could he possibly have known that i would start to feel these things for this insanely smart, quirky, gentle woman. after re-reading his letter at least four times over the next day, i understood that he would not have cared. all he wanted was for someone to love sera, and to love me because he no longer could.

i tried not to think about what he must have been experiencing to write something like that and yet, i still felt his ache, or at least a fraction of it. i was trying my hardest, even throughout the day, to take his advice and turn the volume down on my thoughts, and it was slowly beginning to work. by the time i slipped out of my lab coat and grabbed my things to leave, my nerves had lessened considerably. i was trying my damnedest to stop over-thinking things, to stop running myself into the ground. there was no benefit to anyone and if anything, i was only hurting myself, and as it had so quickly come to my attention, sera as well.

the noise from the radio was almost too much for me to take as i drove. the inside of my skull was far too noisy as it was and it was accompanied by a steady rhythm of my heart thudding in my chest, which did not make things any better. i was attempting to talk myself out of being an emotional mess and for the most part, i was listening. however, i would then start thinking about how gentle and understanding cosima had been that morning and how, after abruptly leaving and then missing saturday morning, she would have had every right to be upset with me. she could have taken that path, could have continued to babysit sera until i found a replacement (even if i had honestly stopped looking), and could have kept our relations to a minimum. that wasn't who cosima was, though, even i knew that.

cutting the engine, i let my hand drop, the keys dangling from where i had not yet pulled them out, causing them to clink together softly. i could hardly hear it over the pulse in my ears. jesus, what was going on? i hadn't felt like that since… since the very first date i had ever been on with michel. my hands found the wheel and slid to the 11 and 1 positions, my forehead coming to rest in the empty space between them. it was all so very confusing and by association, so incredibly frustrating. i thought that maybe this was something that would go away, that it was something i would stop paying heed to eventually, but in my bones, i knew i was wrong. when i thought about sera happily in the cradle made by cosima's legs as she sat with them crossed, both of them peering over a book, it made my heart race and my palms sweat. the night i had come in to find them making pizza together? just reflecting on the memory gave me this feeling that words were inadequately suited to describe.

with a deep breath, slowly in through the nose, i tucked my purse on the floor board and climbed out of the car. i ran a hand haphazardly through my messy blonde hair and wiggled myself into better posture, holding my head up as i crossed cosima's lawn. almost immediately after i knocked, cosima opened the door, donning the brightest grin i had seen in a while. "i have some bad news to report…" she informed me as she let me inside, shutting the door behind me. i glanced around and sera was nowhere to be seen. i turned back to cosima and raised an eyebrow, as if indicating for her to continue. her grin only seemed to grow. "sera has disappeared. i think she somehow wound up on the island of lost boys!"

"but… isn't that for…_ boys_?" i asked, a knowing smirk pushing up the corners of my lips as i began to trounce around the room, pretending to look in every crevice for my little girl. i knelt down behind the couch and as expected, heard her retort.

"boys are… smelly!" i felt her weight drop onto my back as she toppled over the backing of the couch and wrapped her arms as gently as she could manage around my neck, hugging me tightly. as i laughed, i realized that i was not the only one. standing, i turned to see cosima, her cheeks cherry red and her smile so full of amusement, just as her eyes danced with light. i can only imagine what she saw in those few moments, sera's chin digging into my shoulder, her arms and legs still wrapped around me to the best of her abilities. we were both smiling; i knew that much without even having to look at seraphina. if there was anything that had become painfully obvious to me, it was that cosima could most certainly make her smile.

"look at this kodak moment," she gushed at me and i could not refrain from rolling my eyes. i had known it was coming and yet, it was still almost too much to handle, especially with the way she put her hands up, making 'L' shapes with her forefingers and thumbs and sliding them into place to make a square. she even squeezed an eye shut as she looked at us through the makeshift frame.

sera slid off of my back and made her way back to what i presume she had been doing before i had showed up, playing with darwin. cosima stepped toward me, lightly brushing my arm as she passed by and headed for the kitchen, to tend to a tea kettle that i had not realized had started whistling. my posture slacked in a barely noticeable way, but it was an indication that i was softening toward her already. of course she had put on a pot for tea; she'd known i was coming over, hadn't she? i took a seat at the table as she came over with the two mugs, the steam rolling off the top of them in curling wisps. i took the one she offered me and held it between my palms; it was a habit. there was something about the warmth, the way it mimicked having another palm between mine, a hand to hold.

"about friday night…" some part of me knew how she was going to start that conversation, and i had been right. i immediately set my mug down and turned to her, scooting my chair toward hers the slightest bit. she had started to lift her hands but i took them into my own, holding them delicately, like i thought they might break in my gasp if i wasn't careful enough.

"écouter, cosima. just listen. don't apologize, please, and don't feel bad. what happened… yes, it caught me off guard. yes, i wouldn't know where to begin with attempting to explain the tangle of things that have been going on in my head. however, neither of those things mean that…" i hesitated, looking down at our hands together as i nervously sucked on my lower lip, catching it and holding it just briefly with my teeth. "that it was unwelcome." i knew that if i would have taken even a moment to think about all of this before actually going through the motions, anxiety would have grabbed me up by the throat and refused to let go. having run head-first into it, while not exactly a sound decision, was proving to have at least semi-decent results.

when i finished speaking, my stomach filled with butterflies as i could feel cosima's grip tighten around my hands. my eyes trailed over her arms, every little curve and divot of muscle and skin, and made their way up to her face. she was smiling, yes, but it wasn't an ear-to-ear smile like i was used to from her. instead, her eyes were glassy, vulnerable, and there was an adorable pink tint dusting her cheeks. i never could have known that one single admission would ever have that effect on someone. "really?" she asked me, her voice cracking with a happiness i'd never bared witness to before. how could she show me so many things i'd never seen or understood before? how could this woman lay all of these feelings, emotions, situations in front of me and yet, make me question the way i had always seen the world?

i pressed my lips together in a tight but assuring smile, giving my head one quick nod, my eyes never once leaving hers. "really." the pad of my thumb brushed absentmindedly over the backs of her knuckles and with the sudden shift in her eyes, i quickly deduced that she realized i was not quite finished. as i tilted my head to the side, causing a slight cascade of my hair over my brow, i smiled at her and could visibly see a reduction of tension— primarily in her shoulders. "obviously we don't have all the time i'd like to talk about things," i started, glancing over at sera before turning my gaze back to cosima. "so i was wondering if you might like to join sera and i for dinner friday evening."

i was beginning to wonder, as i gauged her reaction, if cosima's smile had become a permanent fixture. i think, since we sat down, she had hardly stopped, not that i could blame her. "that would be wonderful," she answered, her voice soft, yet so incredibly bright. she was so honestly enthralling and it seemed like positive energy rolled off of her in waves. how could i possibly _not_ want to spend more time with her?

if she had thought, for one second, that my invitation was an excuse to forego spending upwards of an hour and a half at her place every day after work, when i came to pick up sera, she had been wrong. in fact, as the end of the week neared, i found myself excited by the prospect of the two of them being the first thing i got to see when i left work. of course i was always enamored with the idea of seeing sera, but now, it was as though cosima had somehow fell into that category without even making an effort to do so.

before i'd realized it, friday night had come and it was the first night the entire week that i had been hasty in picking up sera. thankfully, cosima had been more than understanding and had happily chirped out that she would see us at six. i had rushed home, given sera a bath, braided her hair, and set to making dinner. when cosima showed up, i had not considered the possibility that she could do anything to make herself seem more beautiful, but as i pulled open the door and saw her standing there, her dreads neatly pulled into a bun, and clad in a smooth black dress that clung to her curves in all the right places. she was a vision, if i'd ever seen one.

as if i wasn't already completely enraptured with the way she carried herself and couldn't seem to stop smiling, the moment she stepped inside, she knelt down and although i knew what was coming, i was still trying to feign indifference as she pulled darwin out of her purse, along with a bag of cat food and a bottle of water. sera squealed in delight and happily took the kitten from cosima's grasp, plopping down on the floor with him, already happily distracted. as i finished cooking, cosima sat at the counter, watching me with this look i could not quite place, that accompanied an equally indescribable gleam in her eyes. it was making me nervous, though i did my best to hide it from her. the last thing i needed to do was make things awkward, but i was entirely unsuccessful as i removed a pan from the oven— and managed to burn myself. i hissed instinctively and dropped the pan on the counter, shaking my hand feverishly. instantly, cosima was on her feet and by my side, taking my hand in hers as she guided me toward the sink, running cold water over my fingers.

"merci, i'm such a clumsy person," i told her, glancing down at her as she looked up from beneath her brow at me, a crooked smile springing to her lips.

"no worries, it happens to the best of us."

it seemed to me, at least, like dinner had gone by in the blink of an eye. cosima had accepted the invitation of sharing a glass of white wine after i put sera to bed. however, that had been a debacle in and of itself. sera was restless, at least at first. she wanted to spend more time with cosima, but the truth was, so did i. we still had to have that talk, after all. it had taken twenty minutes before i'd finally come up with a solution. i popped into the living room and asked cosima for a favor, one which she seemed to take to readily. i returned to sera's bedroom, the small ball of calico fluff cradled in my arms. i finally talked her into falling asleep, so long as she had darwin with her, and she reluctantly agreed. i left her room and cracked the door open, bidding her sweet dreams. part of me was sure that she was going to ask me a flurry of questions, but she snuggled up with the kitten and let it be, and that was good enough for me.

i grabbed up my wine glass and plopped down next to cosima on the couch, heaving a relieved sigh. i was happy to have alone time with her, despite what i might have thought not one week earlier. as i looked at her, though, taking a delicate sip from her wine glass, that fog seemed to take over my brain, the one that disabled me from forming coherent sentence structures in my head. there were so many things that i wanted her to know; that i was sorry for running away and skipping out on her, that i had been scared, that it had nearly killed me to keep her waiting for so long. i wanted to explain to her the feeling i got in my gut when she smiled, and the way the hair on the back of my neck stood on end when she laughed. i wanted to tell her how difficult it was for me when she would smile and her tongue would poke out between her teeth, or how it made my head swim when she would wrinkle her nose in such a disarrayed yet precise way.

she turned to look at me, as if she had known that i'd had so many words sitting on the tip of my tongue. i don't know what took over me; maybe it was the second glass of wine, or maybe it was her proximity coupled with my jumbled thoughts. whatever it was, it made me the bravest i had been in years. with one arm running along the back of the couch, the base of the wine glass nearly toward the edge, i reached up with my free hand and delicately placed my fingertips along the scape of her jawline, gently pulling her face toward my own.

if i could have possibly forgotten what it was like to kiss her, i was violently thrown back into that world of fire and light, the breath nearly jumping right out of my lungs. she must have set her own glass on the end table because before i knew it, both of her palms were on my face and she was holding me tightly, close, like she couldn't get enough. it was the most wanted i'd felt in nearly three months and it was a feeling i desperately wanted to cling to. after what simultaneously felt like a split second and an eternity, the quiet smacking of lips quieted and instead, the only thing that filled the air around us was the sounds of our uneven breathing and for a brief moment, i thought it oddly poetic.

"that's some conversation," cosima mused at me, her nose ever-so-lightly brushing the side of mine. our breathy laughs tangled in the air in a blissful meshing of sound.

"actions speak louder than words," i teased her in a murmur. i could feel my teeth digging habitually into my bottom lip, my eyes tracing over every delicate, beautiful feature of her face. my hand dropped to rest on the side of her neck, the pad of my thumb running along her jaw. "i… i've been waiting for the right time to do that. and i just realized… there would never be a _right_ time. just so many moments that were waiting to turn into the right time."

cosima traced a fingertip along my cheekbone, watching the intricate path she made, back and forth, back and forth. her eyes shifted up and met mine, which i knew were betraying me. "you don't have to explain yourself to me, you know. if anything, i should be the one apologizing." a few lines appeared across my forehead as my brow knit together in a frown. before i could speak, her lips were parting again and the sweet sound of her voice was filling my ears. "i knew what you were… are going through and i… i took advantage of that."

my face cracked and a weak laugh sounded from somewhere in my throat, causing the confusion to shift to her features. "you didn't take advantage of anything. i told you, i'm not upset." i glanced between us and offered her another smile. "obviously." it was then that i noticed the way we were placed on the couch and how our knees were touching, just barely, but still there. i swallowed down the thought and focused every inch of my attention span on her, on every little detail about her. i was trying to form words, to explain to her what, exactly, was going on in my head, but i was failing miserably. "i've just… been so wrapped up in trying to fill the shoes of both parents for her that i'd thought it meant i couldn't have anything for myself. but you… you've been a godsend. she adores you and… and somehow, with her juvenile sleuth and cunning, she's come to realize that i do, too."

if i'd ever seen adoration in an expression, it had definitely been in the way cosima looked at me at that moment. her palm was flat against my cheek and i could feel the nerves bubbling up in my chest. a week ago, being in this position would have been abhorrently terrifying to me. in fact, i probably wouldn't have been able to stop thinking about how it felt like i was betraying michel, but i knew better now. i had started to feed her more of an explanation, try to pinpoint all of the things i'd wanted to apologize for, but i was stopped abruptly as cosima pressed her finger to my lips, silencing me. my eyes went slightly wide and i was stuck mid-sentence with my mouth hanging open stupidly. "delphine," she managed quietly, that child-like grin painting her face, "please. stop talking."

i kissed her finger before reaching to pull it down, lacing my fingers with hers as i scooted closer toward her, closing the gap of space between us, my arm still resting behind her on the couch. "actions speak louder than words, is that it?" i quipped again in a bit of a hushed mumble, sealing off those last few centimeters with another delectable kiss, the smirk still hanging on my lips. the white wine sat differently on her lips, but made them somehow taste sweeter. i had quickly gotten so lost in the feel of her hands on my neck, my side, and the way our tongues danced so delicately yet so artfully together that i had completely forgotten about the stem of the glass between my fingers— at least until it slipped away and hit the hardwood floor and shattered. i suddenly pulled away and attempted to look over the back of the couch, but doing so only opened a door for cosima, who ran through it without hesitation, pressing her lips to the side of my neck, just below my ear. the action elicited an involuntary gasp on my behalf, my now-free hand moving to clutch at her bicep, maybe hoping it would help steady my head.

"i…" the word, the lone letter, it sounded so pathetic falling from my lips in a sound that could hardly be deemed as a whimper.

"you?" she questioned back, peppering kisses in a trail down my neck and over my shoulder, toward the neckline of the top i was wearing. absentmindedly, the fire she left on my skin with each kiss caused me to lick my lips.

"i… i think we should go upstairs."


	7. Chapter 7

"_oh, you do, do you? is that what you think?_" she thought she was being sly, playing up the coy card. she knew what she was doing, she knew that i wouldn't turn her down. if anything, it was that adorably timid act that would pull me in even further. she knew what she was playing at and honestly, she was playing _me _like a violin.

i reached up to hold her jawline between my thumb and forefinger, the rest of my fingers curling toward her neck as i tilted her head up toward mine, the right corner of my lips tugging up just slightly as i searched her expression at close range. we were both toeing opposite sides of the same line; she didn't want to push me or make me do anything i would be uncomfortable with. i, on the opposing side of things, was so quickly wound up that i was wondering if this was safe, if i should have stopped to take the full picture into consideration. i knew i wouldn't regret any decision i would have made, no matter what that was, but part of me truly didn't want to pump the breaks, or to slow down at all. "_i mean, if you oppose…_" i could see the game she was running and i had no qualms about putting a pawn of my own down on the board.

a quiet giggle fell from my lips as, even at close range, i could see her eyebrows raise and her jaw dropped slightly, as if she were trying to convince me she was offended i would suggest such a thing. as if her expression wasn't enough, she chose to show me just how _opposed_ she was to my claim of her possibly wanting a way out. i braced myself as she cupped my cheek and leveled my gaze; i knew what was coming and yet, it was like an entirely new experience all over again. and then, as quickly as it had come, it was gone and cosima was getting to her feet. my hand, which had previously been on her neck, dropped to my lap and for a moment, i was fumbling. i blinked up at her, racking my brain for words and i was not surprised when what came out was less than well articulated. "you are such a _brat._" she shrugged her shoulders, batting those eyelashes at me like she had no idea what i was talking about. all at once, i realized that i was still sitting down, not because i was hesitating, but because i was so in awe of her that i had completely forgotten what we were in the middle of. instantly, i was on my feet,

i linked my fingers with cosima's and the simple gesture brought color to my cheeks, color that i was almost too embarrassed to let her see. we quietly made our way up the stairs and down the long hallway and despite myself, i was fighting every urge to just turn around then and there and just _kiss_her, for a vivid reminder of what it was like. the chemicals in my brain were going haywire; even i couldn't definitively explain what she was doing to my head, not in formulas or equations, and most definitely not in clear logic. instead, i pulled her into my room and shut the door behind her. what i had not been expecting, though, was to turn around to find her so close. both of her hands instantly went to both sides of my face and she stepped into me. the wood of the door was cool on my back, even through my shirt. it was strange, how in the blink of an eye, i was hyper-sensitive to almost everything, from the taste of sauvignon blanc on her lips to the way her body was abruptly so dangerously close to mine. she took another step, this time placing her knee to the door between mine.

as if my brain had not been in a complete fog before, in that moment, i was a complete goner. i could feel that familiar pit burning in my stomach. what was different, this time, was that it had spread everywhere else, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. i was warm, the feeling radiating from inside. i was so taken aback by her semi-aggressive approach. for all the time i had spent with cosima, this had been one small surprise, this tiny quirk that i could not have foreseen. and as surprised as i was, i _liked_ it. kissing cosima, especially with her being so incredibly close, it was like standing in the middle of a thunderstorm as the lightning illuminated everything for miles around and the thunder rumbled loudly, overturning the smallest pebbles and leaving me unsteady on my feet. some of my weight dropped to her thigh, just as i had known she wanted. i tried to withhold it, but a quiet moan passed from my lips to hers. i could feel her satisfied smirk form into the kiss and i wondered at what point she would stop doing all these small things that were rendering me completely helpless.

i'd had enough. i couldn't take it anymore. she knew that she was getting to me, that she was pushing every single button she could find and i simply could no longer sit idly by and let her have all the control. without making any other motions to move, i quickly started helping her out of her dress, only breaking our lips apart when completely necessary. as the dress hit the floor around her ankles, i made an effort to keep my eyes to myself, but it was a miserable attempt. her skin was a warm, tanned color, no doubt from so many summers in san francisco. there were the unambiguous curves of her abdomen, and the just barely noticeable slope of muscles of her waist that dipped below the lace that hung on her hips.

at the sound of her giggle, my head jerked upward and my eyes met hers, a bit wide from the realization that i had not just been staring, but i had been _ogling _her. her hand snaked around the back of my neck, tangling in my hair and for a second, i'd forgotten how to breathe. each kiss she had to offer me was somehow so seemingly different from any one that came before it. that idea, the possibility of that, it was exhilarating to me. she ducked out of our liplock before i was ready for her to and i let her know with an audible whimper of disapproval, which then progressed into a whimper of desire as she kissed her way to my ear, catching it tauntingly with her teeth. before i could scold her, she pulled away. i started to pout, but stopped instantaneously when i felt her hands on the hem of my shirt. without hesitation, i lifted my arms and allowed her to pull it off, neither of us caring where it would land as she tossed it aside.

cosima wasted no chance to kiss at the newly exposed flesh, trailing her lips over my chest and collarbones, her lips always coming deliberately close to the straps or edge of my bra. she was such a tease. her hands resumed their work, though, easily popping the button and sliding down the zipper of my jeans. i wiggled my hips as my way of assisting her to get them off, a quiet giggle leaving my lips to shatter the silence around us. the moment i stepped out of the jeans gathered at my ankles, it was _my_turn. my hands found cosima's hips and i stepped toward her, causing her to slowly move backward until the backs of her knees hit the edge of the bed. as a reaction, she sat and looked up at me from beneath her glasses. the look in her eyes— in spite of the fact that i had never seen that side of her before, it was so…_ enticing. _when i thought i had the upper hand, though, cosima seemed to have yet another surprise for me.

she reached toward me and hooked her fingers in the waist of my underwear, pulling me toward her. she slid her hands to my hips and leaned forward, pressing her lips to my stomach. it was anyone's guess how i was still standing on my own two feet— i was half sure i was going to pass out on the spot. in the same way she slowly kissed down my stomach, she also slowly dragged the fabric over my hips, past my thighs, before letting it hit the ground.

and there it was, in a sudden rush of emotion; i felt completely and entirely vulnerable. the way she looked at me, though, and she way she could not seem to stop kissing me? this was not a woman that was going to judge me for the things i had done, but was instead willing to embrace me for them, no matter what they were. all that mattered was that we were there, together, in that moment, and it felt like nothing more than a dream, but thankfully, i knew better. i leaned down to her and held her face in the palm of my hand, stealing another brief but ardent kiss as i gently eased her onto her back on the bed, moving to straddle her waist. although i removed my lips from hers, there wasn't a possible way in the world that i could actually stop kissing her. my lips trailed along her jaw to her ear, down her neck around to the hollow of her throat. as my lips graced her collar bone, my hand slipped between her back and the duvet and made quick work of the clasp there. i kissed my way down each of her shoulders, tracing a lone fingertip over her arms as i pulled down on the straps of her bra, not pausing for a beat as i pulled it away and discarded it over the edge of the bed.

as much as i could tell that she liked being in charge, the look on her face made it abundantly clear that she was enjoying her short ride in the passenger's seat. i placed my lips to the slight divot between her collar bones and kissed downward, over the valley between her breasts and over those perfectly toned abs. in a way, i was mimicking her, returning the favor, as you will. the lower i kissed, the closer i came to leveling the playing field— actually, pulling into the lead, not that it was a race. i kissed my way down one of her thighs as i finally removed the lace, tossing it aside to join the other abandoned items of clothing.

the air around us was no longer still, but instead filled with the already labored breathing and quiet, breathy moans and sighs that seemed to involuntarily finding their ways free. as i started to climb over her again, cosima wrapped her arm around my waist and used her weight to push me onto my back, settling over me. "_you had your fun,_" she whispered, a mischievous glint in her eyes. "_now it's my turn._" before she could move, though, i stopped her.

"_attendre!_" i managed quickly, causing a look of concern to twist her features. my own smoothed out into a smile and i sat up, the only thing separating cosima's bare chest from mine being the brassiere still hanging from my shoulders. with both hands, i raised them and, between my thumbs and middle fingers, pinched the arms of cosima's glasses, delicately lifting them from their home on her face. i looked away, folding them, and set them on the nightstand. i had looked away simply for one reason; the first time i saw her, only her, i did not want to be distracted by some menial task like trying not to break her glasses in my shaky hands. i turned my head, tucking some of the wild blonde strands behind my ear, and i was completely taken by the woman before me. she looked the same, but so very different. yes, it seemed like part of her was missing, or like something was amiss, but i could honestly thing of no sight i'd ever laid eyes on in my entire life that could rival her beauty.

her hands splayed over my back and her lips found a familiar home against my own. i could feel as she worked free the clasp on my own back and somehow managed to rid me of the article without once tearing her mouth from mine.

just like that, it struck me that every single moment, every single word exchanged between us over the last nineteen months had been leading to this moment. as she pulled away and my eyes searched hers, i almost instantly deduced that she could sense my nerves. yes, i had been able to exude some amount of confidence up until that point, but the time had come when she was going to have to take me by the hand and walk me through things. i did not doubt, though, that she had more than enough patience to be capable of doing just that. "_it's okay,_" she whispered, placing the lightest of kisses to the apple of my cheek. she leaned into me, her way of coaxing me to lie back into the pillows. her hands, her touch, felt absolutely electric as it traveled my body, making paths over my hips, up my sides, over my breasts and stomach. she knew every precise spot to hit to cause goosebumps to flare on my skin and she did it with no reserves. if i had thought her touch to be debilitating, it was nothing compared to her kiss as it touched as much of my skin as she could get to.

as she kissed her way over my left breast, her teeth nipped and nicked at the flesh there, evoking a soft moan from me. "_merde, cosima._" my hands were unable to remain still as i clutched at the duvet beneath me. if i had thought her touch, her kiss bad? i was in for a rude awakening— or perhaps, a rather delightful one. her lips danced across my stomach and though some part of me had forgotten it was there, the amazing woman above me hesitated a moment before running a barely-there fingertip over the scar across my lower stomach, the one i received from the c-section when sera had been born. one of her hands had been caressing my thigh and i had thought nothing of it until her touch crept up farther, gently but assertively.

the moment i felt her fingers brush my warmth, i was completely certain that there had been a series of synaptic misfires happening simultaneously in my brain. it wasn't like i hadn't been touched before; michel and i had made love countless times, but _nothing_ had ever felt quite like this. it was slow, but deliberate. it was intense, but at the same time, it was nothing short of passionate. my hips were desperate for cosima's touch but my lips were also hungry for hers. i wanted to kiss her, to tell her the things she was doing to me, but i made no move to do so. instead, she actually moved away from me, placing her lips to my right hip, trailing more kisses along my hip bone, making her way to the top of my thigh, coursing down to my knee. as she dared make her way back up, though, she pushed the other thigh gently aside and kissed along the where my inseam would have been. i whimpered out her name pathetically because i was fully aware of what was about to happen.

as i felt her mouth press to the supple flesh, my back arched off of the mattress and my fingers were tangled in the duvet. although i had no interest in finding out, i was almost certain that my knuckles had started going white. i had been so unsure of what else to do, once i'd completely forked myself over to her, but once again, she didn't miss an opportunity to do something that both calmed me down and made me feel like the most important person in the world to her at the same time. as i whimpered, whined, and quietly moaned, her hands found mine on the bed and she slid her fingers into the slots between mine. it was a perfect fit and it was another thing added onto the list of ways she'd completely upended my world that night. it was a simple enough gesture, but to me, to be so connected and in tune with her? it was earth-shattering. it seemed like an eternity had stretched on when in reality, it had only been several minutes and that forgotten, lost feeling had started to find me, tying up my insides and throwing my mind into a state of arrest.

i had been trying to hold out, to prolong the incredible high i was riding out, but involuntarily, i could feel as the muscles in my body began to tense. one of my hands instantly let go of hers to cradle her head. i hadn't meant to but the muscles in my legs contracted and my thighs pulled around cosima's head and my hips rocked just enough. her hand gripped mine as i rode out the euphoria, finally dropping my legs to lie flat on the bed, my chest rising and falling with my labored breathing. cosima kissed her way back up my body, leaving my legs still trembling in her wake. before i could apologize, though, her hushed tones were cutting through the air. "_are you okay?_" she asked me— i just blinked at her.

was i okay? was she _serious?!_ "_mon dieu,_" i breathed at her. "_i am more than okay. i am incroyable._" i brushed her cheek for a moment before she leaned down to kiss me once more, and i took the gesture happily. "_the real question is are __**you**_ _okay_?" my cheeks were pink and part of me was embarrassed, but the way she shook her head so dismissively, i knew she was being genuine.

"_actually… that was… totally hot._"

i never could have predicted that we would stay up all night, alternating between talking and… well, plenty of things that didn't need so many well thought-out words. she was so patient with me, never once letting me feel like i was at all a disappointment to her. in fact, there were certain times, like when she would grab at my hair or dig her nails into my back, that made me feel like i could possibly _never_ be able to let her down. it went without saying that i was entirely and wholly enraptured with her. i would have been content to have stayed in that bed with her for days on end, had i not had other obligations. regardless, by the time i glanced over her chest to see the bright blue '3:24' on the alarm clock that was perched atop the nightstand, it didn't even seem to matter. i closed my eyes and focused on the warmth of the embrace around me and the slow, steady, gentle pitter-patter of cosima's beating heart and fell into the most peaceful sleep i had seen in months.


	8. Chapter 8

despite the fact that the sun had started to warm my face as it poured in through the window, all i wanted to do was pull the duvet over my head and sleep longer. it had only taken me a little less than ninety seconds before my frame of mind seemed to align with the current happenings of my life. i was suddenly and instantly disappointed when i couldn't feel the other side of the bed sink in, or the form of a warm body close to mine. in a panic, i went through the motions of stitching my current situation into the rest of my life, trying to figure out why my heart sank at the emptiness the other half of the bed had to offer. last week, it would have been because i thought, even for a second, that michel should have been there. at that moment, though? it had hit me like a speeding train that this time around, it should have been cosima.

i didn't want to open my eyes, to have to look at the empty, unfilled space and realize that she had probably left some time in the middle of the night while i was sleeping more peacefully than i could ever remember. just the simple thought pained me; i wanted her close, i wanted her back. i wanted her to be there when i found to courage to take my first glimpse of the morning. i wanted _her_ to be my first glimpse of the morning.

i laid stalk still, debating whether or not i could afford to sleep for a little bit longer. before i could make the decision, though, i could hear my phone ringing downstairs. i didn't want to move, and i was sure that no one could be calling so early that i would actually want to speak to. i could hear, though, as the ringing got louder, like it was getting closer. the door to my bedroom opened and i hugged the duvet closer to my bare body, already having an inclination of who it would be barging through the door. i did not open my eyes, though, as i felt the bed shift and sera's weight settled down on top of me, the ringing phone only inches from my face. "_maman! votre téléphone sonne!_" she informed me, lightly poking my shoulder with the phone. i grumbled and waved her off, insisting that it was no one important. she, however, did not find this answer suitable.

she shifted her weight and crossed her legs as she sat on my stomach, fiddling with the phone as she attempted to find the 'answer' button. i, however, had not known what it was she was doing, at least until she spoke. "allô?" instantly my eyes flew open and i was scrambling to get the phone from her without allowing the duvet to uncover my chest. "bonjour, cosima!" my eyes were wide and sera was trying to stifle her giggles. "oui, oui cosima!" she pulled the phone away from her ear and handed it to me, pulling the front of her shirt over her face as she fell victim to a fit of giggles.

"i am so sorry," i got out in a rush, but i could hear cosima laughing— it almost sounded like an echo. i knew i still sounded like i was half-asleep; i was, even with sera's wake-up call. or, more accurately, sera bringing me cosima's wake-up call. yes, i had been disappointed that she had been gone when i woke up, but the sound of her laughter had already started to cause my mood to pick up.

"it's fine. but, um. do you think maybe you could come let me in? i'd locked the door on my way out, the thought not even occurring to me that i didn't have a key to get back in." i couldn't keep myself from smiling. she was still here. i had gotten worried and started to work myself up and for what reason? i had been an absolute fool to consider the possibility that she would leave without a goodbye. i told her i would and hung up the phone, reaching up to pinch sera's sides playfully.

"papillon, can you please go let cosima inside?" i had told her i would, but i had a dilemma: i couldn't get out of bed with sera there; i was still entirely nude. as sera nodded her head excitedly, she jumped off of the bed and took off for the stairs, giving me ample time to get up and get dressed, pulling on a pair of shorts and a tank top. like some nervous little school girl, i hesitated on my way out of my room and backtracked, looking into the mirror above my dresser. i ran my hand through my hair, leaving my golden locks rustled just enough that i didn't look entirely awful. on second thought, i grabbed a thin sweater and slid it on over my shoulders, hugging it to my frame as i lightly made my way down the stairs. there were many reasons that cosima could have stepped out, but i never once would have considered the truth.

as i made my way down the last couple of steps, i turned my head, my gaze sweeping the room until i turned toward the kitchen and saw cosima and sera standing at the counter. as cosima pulled things from grocery bags, she handed them to sera who would pad over to the refrigerator and put them away. "and what is going on here?" i questioned, looking over to the clock that hung over the mantle in the living room; it was only ten after eight. when i turned back to look at cosima, she was donning a brilliant grin, one that turned my knees into jello and filled my stomach up with a plethora of butterflies. i could tell just by looking at her that she was something else, that she was this gift that had been given to me, one i could never turn away.

"i always wake up early," she informed me, fidgeting with a couple of the things she had brought back with her, "so i thought i'd run to the store and grab some things for breakfast." as i made my way over to the counter and leaned over it, my elbows on the cool marble, i was sure that i was grinning so hard and so wide that it was going to cause the muscles in my cheeks to ache. just when i thought she couldn't be any cuter, though, she spoke again. "and me being me, i obviously didn't consider getting back in." i slid onto the stool, still unable to take my adoringly sweet gaze from her face.

"don't you have to work this morning?" i asked lightly, tilting my head at her. it was saturday; i knew for a fact that she had to be at the library at least before ten, as i had already established that we wound more than make up for our absence the previous week. however, it seemed like cosima had every intention to make up for that lost time, which was more endearing to me than words could possibly explain.

"i do," she answered with a smile as she starting opening packages and pouring things into bowls that sera had gotten for her, mixing things as she spoke. "but i don't have to be there til nine thirty. so pancakes and fruit seemed like a good idea."

"right, you cook." my musings were warm and the smile i wore matched; as if she hadn't done enough already, i was watching this amazing woman make breakfast in my kitchen— and for the first time, i realized she was not wearing the dress she'd had on the night before, but was instead wearing a pair of black leggings, ones that _had_ been a part of her ensemble the night before, and a top that looked oddly familiar. it was a long, over the shoulder scoop neck that hugged every last curve of her waist and hips absolutely perfectly. it looked so perfect on her, so mesmerizingly fitting that it took me far too long to realize— it was _mine._ the dawning of that particular realization was enough to create a pink dusting on my cheeks and those butterflies to swarm up higher, moving into my chest.

in that moment, i was so convinced that things couldn't possibly be any better, but i was quickly proven wrong. i watched cosima flutter around the kitchen, starting a pot of coffee before turning back to her task of mixing the pancake batter. sera lightly tugged on the end of her— _my_— shirt and when cosima turned her attention down toward her, she held up a small, yellowish fruit, curiosity sparkling in her eyes. "_cosie, what's this?_" she questioned, which did nothing less than cause cosima to grin from ear to ear. she raised her hand to adjust her glasses before she reached down and gently took the fruit from sera's palm and set it down on the counter, picking up a knife.

"it's a starfruit," she informed her in a crisp, bright tone, to which sera looked at her rather wildly.

"it doesn't look like a star to me, cos." her tone was so matter-of-fact and full of her little attitude that i couldn't help but laugh, clapping a hand to my mouth in an attempt to quiet myself. cosima methodically sliced up a few pieces of the fruit and grabbed a plate from the nearby dish strainer to pile the fruit onto it. when she was finished, she picked up a thin slice by one of the points, holding up the star to show my daughter, who literally looked so thrilled that it seemed like she might cry from happiness. she squealed and happily took the piece of fruit from the other woman, marveling at it, almost like she was too amazed to put it in her mouth. "go on, try it. i promise there's plenty more to look at for later." we both watched her as she took a nervous bite, her expression almost immediately lighting up. she ran over to me and held it up, insisting i try it.

"no, no, papillon, that is all for you." she contently returned to her spot beside cosima, her gaze hardly ever leaving the brunette as she moved about— like mother, like daughter. we chatted about how nice the weather was, how it would be a perfect afternoon later to spend at the park and i made a mental note of it, more than pleased with the idea of possibly spending the evening at golden gate park with the two most fascinating people i knew. the entire time, she went back and forth between the counter and the stove, flipping the hotcakes and returning to her work with several fruits and sugar. when i would attempt to peer over her work, she would hug the bowls she was working with tighter to her middle, looking at me like i was a nosy child.

"ah ah!" she told me, that pearly white grin taking my breath away all over again. i pouted and slumped back onto my stool, acting like a kid who had been busted in the cookie jar. once sera got tired of assisting the librarian, she had retreated to the living room to play with darwin. each time i glanced over my shoulder to see her there, giggling as darwin pawed at her hands, i felt something more than happiness, something i did not know how to explain, but i knew that i liked it.

with a little under twenty five minutes to eat, cosima carried the stack of hotcakes and bowl of fresh mango strawberry chutney to the table, which i had set just moments before. she brought over sera's plate of star fruit and took the three smallest (no bigger than four inches) pancakes off the top of the stack, and set them on her plate. "cherie, do you need help cutting them up?" i offered her, to which she looked at me like i had told her the sky was pink.

"no, maman. i'm a big girl. i can do it myself." i held my hands up in surrender but i could not keep the feigned shock on my face as cosima started to laugh.

breakfast was sweet, in all possible senses, but it was also somewhat bitter because i knew when it was over, that cosima would undoubtedly have to leave for work. she had started to stand when we had finished, insisting that she needed to leave a bit earlier to run home and change, but i shook my head dismissively at her. "no need. you should… you should keep that. it looks really good on you." even with my assurance, she still seemed reluctant.

"but darwin—" she started, glancing to the sleeping kitten on my couch.

"can stay here, at least until you get off. we'll be here most of the day, aside from the hour or so that we'll be at the library." as if she had forgotten, cosima's face suddenly perked up, a light coming onto her features that was nearly tangible. there was a literal sparkle in her eyes, one that caused my heart to skip a beat— or several. how could she contain so much life, so much spark in such a small body, in such a small vessel of being? i was so taken by her, by every facet she could put on. somehow, she had managed to fluidly shift between utterly sexy to completely adorable within the blink of an eye and i figured out that it was part of the reason i found myself so attracted to her. she was a chameleon, blending into any situation i could have needed her in, and that was riveting to me.

as cosima announced that she had to get going, sera rushed up to hug her, almost like she was unsure that she would see her in less than an hour, i softly asked her to pick out what she wanted to wear for the day. as she trotted off toward her room, i moved to walk with cosima toward the door, still unable to keep from looking at her in that stupid shirt that fit her so much better than it ever had me. i had expected an awkward exchange, or something, well, anything aside from what actually happened. she stepped toward me and instantly, her arm snaked around the small of my back and she pulled me closer to her. as i looked down at her, into those shimmering honey-almond eyes, my hand raised to lightly touch her neck, my fingertips hot on her skin.

"you're going to see me in an hour," i mused at her, catching her by surprise as i stole a quick peck, a smile dancing on my lips as i pulled away.

"yeah, so?" she challenged, quirking a brow.

"you're holding me like you're afraid i'll get away."

"maybe because i am." in that moment, i felt that familiar squeezing in my chest, my heart starting to thunder against my ribs and up to my ears. i stole a quick glance over my shoulder to make sure sera was still busying herself with the task i had given her and when i was sure she was, i turned back to face cosima. however, i had expected to be the one to give her the delight, the surprise, but she beat me to it. her lips met mine and every inch of my mind, of my body, it seemed to catch on fire, a fire that burned invisible and reached down to the very core of who i was. the hand that wasn't clutching my waist was delicately cradling my jaw, her fingers wrapping around my neck to tangle in my hair. i should have been worried about sera coming out of her room, i should have been worried that this was too soon too fast, but the feeling that enveloped me was too good to pass up. there was something so harmonious, so revitalizing in the way her lips fit so perfectly to mine and the soft flesh of her tongue explored my mouth. just like that, though, it was gone, and she was leaving a couple of light pecks, even catching my lip between her pearly whites, tugging on it playfully. a low whine sounded from the bottom of my throat and i, being just as much of a brat as she was, stole one last kiss from her as she let me go.

"i'll see you soon," she told me knowingly, holding onto my hands until our fingers untangled and our fingertips ran along the lengths of each other's fingers until she'd moved far enough away that her touch was gone. i closed the door behind her and leaned against it, slowly letting my eyes fall shut.

"_vous voir bientôt, ma chérie._"


	9. Chapter 9

**a/n:** so i saw something today that made me really wanna put this update in here. despite the fact that everything previous and most likely everything ahead is told from delphine's point of view, i thought it could be interesting to steal a glimpse of what cosima sees/feels/experiences through parts of her blossoming relationship with delphine.

—-

_you know, i've always been quite literal when it comes to things like figure of speech. it's not like i don't understand them; of course i do. anyone with half a brain does. it's just that my brain likes to pick things apart, to dissect them and pull them from the seams out to uncover the literal meaning behind them. take, for instance, when they say that 'time flies when you're having fun.' i understand the intention, but not why it's put the way it is. time doesn't fly; that's impossible. time is, essentially, a figment, something that is limitless and eternal. it cannot fly, it cannot sink. time is nothing more than a train stuck on a track, headed in one direction, never once turning around. but you know what i've realized? although time never truly fluctuates, when you find something worth taking up your time, something you're passionate and sure about? well, it sure seems to melt away into the background, noiselessly slipping away without any permissions or cordial farewells._

_when you're having fun, or falling in love, time just feels as though it completely ceases to exist._

_eight months. somehow, two hundred and forty three days had passed since the day i had thrown caution to the wind in my living room and kissed the woman that had completely enraptured me. delphine was… were there really words that could depict such a thing? if there were, it seemed that more often than not, they escaped me. it seemed comedic that i could recite darwin's theories on evolution with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back, but i could not even begin to rack my mind for words that could possibly even begin to explain just half of how amazing she was. maybe if i had been an english major, i'd have been better off, but it wasn't something i was too worried about. something told me that through all of my nerding-out tangents and drawn out blabbering, delphine understood it, understood me. _

_in eight months, we had managed and preferred to keep things under wraps, at least for the most part. i knew without having to be told that seraphina was still slowly working through losing her father and that putting a new pressure on her was the last thing that needed to be done, no matter how much she liked me. the thing of it was, she was a truly special, __**amazing **__little girl. she was far more intelligent than most children her age and she had this wild streak in her, one that had constantly kept me on my toes since the first day she had sidled up next to the other children on her first visit to the library._

_if you would have told me then that i'd be where i was a little over a year later, i would have considered you absolutely freaking out of your mind. i should have been on guard, should have been careful to tread lightly when it came to such a delicate situation, and i did, or at least i tried. whatever it was i had managed, it had put me in a position i was plenty content with being in. yes, it meant a lot of late nights after class, so much so that when sera would run out of energy in the days, i would happily nap with her, pleased to construct a blanket fort with her for us to do so. some part of me was sure that she had already uncovered our little secret and just did not care, but i was still courteous enough not to bring something into her life that we could not be sure if she was ready for._

_that particular weekend, i'd had my own ideas about how to celebrate the duration of our relationship and as it so happened, things really played right into my hands. although i had yet to meet her at that time, delphine had informed me that her mother was coming to stay with her and sera for a few days. of course, this cut our time together exponentially and it was disheartening, to say the least, but i somehow knew i'd find the resolve to make it through the week and most of the weekend. however, things had turned out even better than i could have hoped. thursday night she had called me and asked if i had plans for the following evening and i'd informed her that if she was free, than yes, i did. in the lightest tone i'd ever heard from her, she'd announced that her mother had offered to watch sera, if she wanted to go out for a night, and i was the first person she could think of to call when it came to figuring out a way to spend that time._

_what she did not know was that i had already scheduled something for that friday night; maybe it wasn't as important an anniversary as a year was, but if there was anything i had already come to learn about delphine and even sera, too, it was that each day was a blessing, each moment a miracle. she had come to shed light on parts of myself that i had not before recognized and in a way, the cormier women had helped me find a purpose, a path again. sure, i had school, and i had the library, but i had spent weeks upon weeks before their arrival in my life wondering where i was going, what i was trying to achieve and what i hoped to make of the passion, the dedication i had to the world of science, and i had been fumbling for answers on a consistent basis. unbeknownst to delphine, i had gotten the two of us tickets, but not just any tickets. no, they were so much more than that._

_some nights, when we would lay in bed, tangled up in soft skin and warm covers, she would reminisce about paris, about her many trips to the eiffel tower and how her boyfriend had always been too scared to make it to the top with her. "there's just something about it, about feeling like you… are on the edge of the world. it is so…. __**exhilarating.**__" the way she spoke of it, the way her eyes would literally twinkle in the dark? it was almost impossible. everything about her defied the laws of everything i knew, challenged all of the theories i'd had about life and the matter of feeling. maybe therein lied the reason i found myself innately drawn, magnetized to delphine cormier. she turned my world on it's head, made me look at everything, absolutely everything, in a new light, and it challenged me. she had something to offer me that no one before her had, and i was completely taken aback by that. so, in my own little way, i wanted to try to give back to her something she couldn't quite have._

_i'd picked her up a little before seven and, of course, couldn't resist a chance to say hello to my favorite little einstein. she was practically jumping at the chance to show me how well she had been taking care of the few pieces of quartz i had given her. there was just something about her, about that little girl, that made me smile so wide i could feel it wrinkle the corners of my eyes. i'd waved a small hello to her mother, introducing myself. i suddenly realized that i wasn't quite sure __**how**__ to do that and so i just stuck to labeling myself as a friend. as we went to leave, though, delphine made no hesitation before grabbing my hand, clutching it gently in hers. holy crap. how did she do that? how did she scatter every thought in my head and yet, make everything seem so crystal clear. all by holding my damn hand. _

_we made our way toward the street and delphine smiled, running the tips of her fingers lightly along the soft orange paintjob on the door of my car. "you know," she started as we both got into the car. "you never have told me how you got this car. it's so oddly… you. it shouldn't fit, but it does." i grinned; that wasn't the first time she'd said that. i still remembered the words leaving her lips the very first time she saw the car. it was a '69 mustang, black and that beautiful, delicate orange. it often reminded me of the sky as the sun was coming up. _

_"quartz wasn't the only thing my dad gave me," i admitted, my lips still curled up in a gentle smile. _

_"it used to be his?" i nodded._

_"his father gave it to him and he took really good care of it and passed it on to me. thankfully, i have a couple of friends that are wonderful mechanics because as much as i love getting my hands dirty, i don't like to do it under the hood of a car." we laughed together and somehow, it was still one of those things that just caught me off guard. i didn't know how she did it, how she was so capable of making ordinary things so… extraordinary. it didn't matter that i knew how many chemicals and reactors could be found in the brain, because what she did to me, it was beyond words, beyond science. that was something that would endlessly be intriguing to me._

_"so, are you going to tell me where we are going?":she posed, turning to face me with an inquisitive smile, but i was't going to buckle._

_i shook my head and grinned, though i kept my eyes on the road. "but i'm glad you brought a sweater. you're going to need it." of course, she spent the entire drive pestering me, begging me to tell her what i had up my sleeve, but i wouldn't give in. as we got closer, i mentioned that we were going to have to do a bit of walking from where we parked and rolled her eyes at me. i knew it was her way of telling me that i was making it sound worse than it was, and that was true. we held hands and chatted happily for a few minutes until it started to set in where we were. she glanced up and then back at me, the excitement radiating through her damn near tangible. i pulled the two tickets out of my pocket and held them up for her to inspect. she was grinning as she read over them and glanced back up at the bright orange structure before us._

_"we're going to the top?" i nodded, still grinning. "oh my god, you're taking me to the top of the golden gate bridge." she let go of my hand and turned, taking me by the face, squishing my cheeks slightly as she always did and kissed me. there were those fireworks all over again, going off behind my close eyelids. everything about her was so… __**wonderful.**__ when she pulled away, she looked worried. "cosima, you must have spent a fortune on these…" she deduced and it was my turn to hold her face, giving her a lighter, sweeter kiss._

_"that isn't important. i know it isn't the eiffel tower, but it __**is**__ like being on the edge of the world." she kissed me again, making my heart flutter and my stomach start a series of somersaults. _

_"je t'aime, ma chérie." the moment the words left her lips, travelling at the speed of sound to hit my ears, i'd never quite anticipated what that would ever feel like. it was the first time it had ever come up and even though it was in french, i had learned enough to know what it meant. slowly, i slid an arm around her neck, my fingers playing lightly with her hair._

_"you do, huh?" i asked her quietly, my smile never wavering and my eyes never leaving her sweet, beautiful face. she gave a small nod, her own smile growing. "i love you too." just saying it, just hearing myself say it, it was strange but so incredibly welcome. she loved me, she loved __**me.**__ and i loved her, too. despite that i had known beforehand that the night was going to be special, i had most certainly never seen __**that**__ one coming. _

_our night out was amazing; there was nothing quite like being on top of the lowest tower, delphine's fingers linked with mine, looking out at san francisco as the sun slowly sank in the sky. we weren't there long, but it felt like an eternity the moment she kissed me up there. the tour guide had smiled and it became infectious, spreading my my lips as i caught her and then to delphine's as she realized what i was looking at. when we made it back to solid ground, we'd decided to enjoy the perfect evening and walked to the embarcadero hand in hand, exchanging stories about sera or nerding out over recent scientific discoveries and developments. it was amazing, mindblowing really, to have finally found someone that i could be like that with. i loved her. she was perfect. i wanted to shout it from the rooftops. __**i loved her!**_

_we'd grabbed pizza at blondie's when i had remembered the bottle of cabernet my mother had gotten me a few months back for my birthday. i proposed the idea to delphine and she raised an eyebrow at me in that impossibly attractive way and i was nearly falling out of my seat. 'stop that! stop it right now!' i wanted to tell her as i hid my face behind my hands. instead, i held them up as i shrugged my shoulders, grinning._

_"ms niehaus, if i didn't know any better, i'd say you were trying to seduce me with the promise of wine." oh, is that how she was gonna be?_

_"i can promise you a __**lot**__ more than that," i assured her with a grin. she grabbed for my hand the second time that night and it still sent my heart soaring. we were both nearly tripping over each other on our way out and back through the embarcadero back to my car. _

_"you're my cheeky, cheeky girl," she told me, kissing me before climbing into the car._

_the drive back to my apartment was short and yet, the way delphine played with my fingers over the gearshift made it stretch like an eternity. we were laughing, kissing, laughing through kisses, stumbling through the front door and i swore my cheeks had never ached so much in my life. she stood behind me in the kitchen, her arms around my waist and her chin resting curiously on my shoulder as she watched my hands work to open the bottle. i popped the cork and set it aside, filling each glass sufficiently before handing one over to her. as i took a sip, i watched her over the top of my glasses and raised a brow, suddenly having an idea. i took hold of her fingers lightly and tugged her through the apartment to my bedroom. i dropped her hand and set down my wineglass, glancing up at her before i opened the drawer. "if you're like… morally opposed or something, just say so and i'll put it away. but if not, maybe you'd like to join me." she watched me skeptically as i turned to open the drawer, pulling out a pack of rolling papers, an old book and a small plastic sack filled with a few leafy green buds. her face relaxed, though, and she slid onto the bed next to me._

_"i haven't smoked since university," she informed me, causing my lips to pull apart in yet another grin. "of course i will join you. after all, it's not like i did not already know. you always smell like this mixture of pot, vanilla and cinnamon. it's just who you are." 'why am i so lucky to have you?!' i wanted to ask, over and over again. it had only taken me a matter of minutes to roll the joint and the two of us moved to sit against my headboard. one of delphine's legs had draped over mine and my right hand rested on her thigh, my thumb absentmindedly brushing at it as we traded the joint back and forth. _

_i had perhaps been anticipating it, but the night only seemed to get better. we had carried on about half of an enticing existential conversation but the truth was, i had gotten entirely too distracted by the way her mouth moved. i had to kiss her, to taste those lips again, simply because i could never have enough. the kisses, the smacking of lips turned to lips on skin and clothes being tossed every which way. it was almost ritual, something we went through each and every time, but this time it was different. this time, her skin tasted sweeter and her body almost seemed brand new to me, though i had been convinced i knew every last inch of it. this time, though, there were these noises she would make when i kissed the divot of her hip or the crevice between her breasts. it was in the way she gripped at me, at my hands, at any part of me she could reach as i was nestled between her legs. at the same time, some things were the same, like the way she writhed delectably at my touch, or the way her thighs squeezed around my head as she came— god, that seriously never got old. _

_it almost caught me off guard when she pushed me onto my back and began ravishing me with kisses, taking her own time in exploring my body, routing the way she traveled, like a map that was doing her no good with how she went every which way, wanting to cover as many square inches as she could. her lips pressed over my stomach, lightly gracing my bellybutton— which always seemed to elicit a giggle from me, much to my dismay— and continued to where my hip met my thigh. she was just as much of a tease as i was, no matter how much she wanted to deny it. despite her awkward beginnings, she had developed a skill quite her own when it came to learning how to make me want it, want her. she knew the perfect way to move her tongue, her fingers, and the combination thereof. almost every time she would make me want her so bad i could hardly stand it and then by the time she was finished, i felt like i'd run a marathon. _

_we had curled up as the clock on the wall informed us that it was nearing two thirty in the morning and part of me did not even want to consider sleeping. no, i could have laid like that with her forever. i was looking at her back, my arms around her waist when i moved a hand up to trace lines between the freckles there. she giggled turning her head in an attempt to look at me. "what are you doing, ma chérie?" she asked in a hushed whisper._

_"admiring what a masterpiece you are." she laughed at me and i grinned, kissing her shoulder. i hesitated a moment before placing another kiss on her skin, this time on her neck. "i love you," i whispered to her. she rolled over to face me and kissed me._

_"i love you too, cosima."_


	10. Chapter 10

there were some mornings, very few and far between, when i would wake up and feel like i'd been living in a dream, like the days that passed me by were nothing more than a figment of my imagination. as i awoke and hid behind closed eyes for a few brief moments, i had difficulty aligning the last twenty four hours of my life with reality. slowly, i cracked open an eye, squeezing the other shut tighter as i did so and what i saw… it was beautiful, it was a sight, it was _magnificent._ there was cosima, her eyes closed and breathing even, a serene smile curling her lips even through her slumber. a touch of pink licked her cheeks, perhaps maybe from where she had been sleeping with the other side of her face to the pillow before turning over not moments prior. i was so overwhelmed with every last ounce of feeling that graced me from my head to my toes that it nearly scared me out of my skin when she spoke.

"_i can hear you staring_," she murmured at me, her lips slowly pulling apart in a sleepy grin. i could almost hear my heart faltering in my chest, not only because she had startled me, but because i had been caught in the act. i lifted the duvet and scooted closer to her, sliding one of my legs effortlessly between hers, tangling them together. she, too, moved toward me and wrapped me up in her arms, our bare bodies enveloped in one another. she was warm, and she still smelled of cinnamon and vanilla, the residual scent of pot only accentuating that as it lingered in the entire room, a sweet reminder that the night before was, indeed, anything but a dream.

"i'm so—" i had started to apologize, but she wanted none of it. instead, she silenced me with a kiss, her palm laying flat on my cheek. when she pulled away, she replaced her lips with her thumb, tracing out every curve and divot of my own mouth, seemingly mesmerized by it. i parted my lips and playfully bit at the tip of her thumb, unable to keep from grinning as i did so, breathing a playfully tantalizing laugh.

"stop thattt," she grumbled at me, covering my mouth with her hand. "it's way too early for that." i _knew_she was not complaining and i had every bit of nerve to call her out on it. my own fingers moved to touch at her collarbone, tracing out the shape the protrusion made through her skin, my eyes following every last movement i made, as if i was trying to memorize that specific part of her, the way the bone dipped and then vanished beneath the surface. slowly, my fingertips began to trail toward the midline of her upper chest, dipping in the small dimple between her collarbones. it, however, did not travel any further toward the other side of her body. instead, i let them glide effortlessly between her breasts, her skin so unbelievably soft beneath my touch.

a low whine sounded from cosima's throat, like she was opposed to what i was doing, but she made no move to stop me. instead, my touch was meant to push her, to test her, to force her into questioning whether or not it really _was_ too early. my palm pressed flatly to the center of her chest, tauntingly moving to caress one of her breasts. the action seemed to throw her and she inhaled sharply, exhaling in a quiet moan. "_delphiiiine,_" she managed weakly, but i knew she was trying to fight a battle i had already won. i moved my hand back toward the center of her chest and lightened my touch back to only the tips of my fingers, resuming their trek down her torso. they skated the track down the center of her abs, stumbling over her navel. she squirmed next to me and breathed a giggle that i could almost taste on my lips. my fingers voyaged to her hip and trailed down where her hip and thigh came together, circling toward her inner thigh. and then, just like that, i pulled my hand away and wrapped my arm around the small of her back. in an instant, cosima's eyes shot open and she looked absolutely appalled. "delphine!" she nearly yelled, her breath hitching in her throat.

i did not even attempt to hide the mischievous smirk that found its way to my lips. "but you said it is too early!" i argued back in a playful murmur. her eyes narrowed at me and i could feel as her legs wrapped tighter around mine. "okay, okay," i managed, stealing another kiss from her as my hand ran over her backside and over the haunch of her hip. i let my fingers resume their dance over her warm skin until i finally slipped my hand between her legs, causing her to cry out as her body stiffened against my own. she whimpered my name and i kissed her, the heat of a thousand suns burning in the pit of my stomach. it did not matter how early it was, or what time it was at all. what mattered was that just the night before, i had been clutching her hand as we toed the edge of the world, looking out at san francisco splayed out like a miniature model. what mattered was that i told her, without any reserves, that i loved her. what mattered, truly mattered, was that i never wanted to run out of ways to prove that to her.

the back of my hand pressed to the top of my thigh for leverage as cosima began to rock her hips against my touch, her breathing so light and sweet as it hiked a bit, gracing my ear like the brush of a feather as she held herself closer to me. every inch of skin on skin, it felt like an electric current and the sounds of her increased panting were lighting the core of my brain on fire. she was so utterly dripping in sex appeal, especially when she was so pliable at my touch, almost like putty in my hands.

"_another. another, please,_" she whimpered brokenly in my ear and i complied, giving her what she was asking, begging for. her hips found a perfect rhythm against my hand and the whimpers she dropped so close to my ear only made me want to please her even more. i was so desperate for her satisfaction, so desperate to give her something so wonderful to have first thing in the morning, something to have her smiling all throughout the day. my mouth found hers in a hot, passionate kiss and goosebumps covered my arms at the way her moans, into our kiss, rattled my teeth and caused my heart to jump in irregular patterns.

despite the fact that she was constantly chewing on her fingernails, i could still feel them as the tips of her fingers pressed into the lean muscle of my back; she was holding on so tightly, so _desperately_ that even though i was the one who wanted _her_, she was making me feel wanted in the same stride. she clutched at me, burying her face in my shoulder as a loud gasp— one that i had not been expecting— sounded from her lips, delicious as it hung in the air. her body writhed against mine as her moans grew more and more quiet and her limbs stilled. her hold on me loosened and i mirrored her actions, pulling my hand back before i wrapped her up in my arms, a brilliant grin curling her lips, and i was sure it mirrored my own.

"_well, good morning to you, too,_" she mumbled at me softly, the tip of her nose just barely touching my own. i breathed a quiet chuckle, unable to keep myself from wanting to kiss her. how could i? she was beautiful, especially with that rosy glow to her cheeks. we laid like that for a few prolonged moments until i finally found my voice, though i had obviously not thought through what i was going to say.

"_you're my first, you know?_" i blurted in a hushed whisper. the look on her face was priceless; her left brow arched perfectly and her lips puckered out slightly, and i knew why. she was obviously making an unspoken reference to the fact that i had sera, and that had to have come about only one way. i laughed softly and stole a brief kiss, still smiling warmly as i pulled away. "_i mean… i had never been with a woman before." _

_"yeah, it showed,_" she managed back quietly, though there was a giggle low in her throat. at first my brows had shot up and i was in disbelief, that giggle, though, was almost soothing, taking away the initial, most likely unintended, burn. if there had been any residual offence, she stole it away with a sweet, loving, deep kiss. "_i just mean that you were so nervous,_" she clarified and her words caused my lips to curl up a bit. "_and so scared that you were going to do something wrong._" she hesitated, her smile slipping into a mischievous smirk. "_now you go down on me like it's your job._" i was laughing before she even finished speaking and could not refrain from turning my head to hide my face away in the pillow beneath me.

"_brat,_" i muttered into the pillow, but i instantly regretted it. her fingers were on my sides and she was tickling me like her life depended on it. my laughter was loud, echoing and bouncing off the walls throughout the house. "c-cosima! st-stop! i can't, c-can't breathe!" she relented, an amused grin still dancing on her beautiful face.

"now, what did you call me?" she quipped, attempting to be menacing.

"beautiful," i responded, the grin i wore stretching from ear to ear.

"much better."

—

as much as i did not want to, it was close to noon by the time we'd gotten out of bed to eat brunch— well, i wouldn't have even called it that so much as it was the two of us sitting on the couch with a pint of ice cream and two spoons watching an episode of planet earth. this was exactly the kind of thing i never would have wanted my daughter to do and i was thankful she wasn't around, for that and other obvious reasons. however, i did miss her and i couldn't wait to get back home to her to smother her in kisses and spend the night baking with her and my mother.

the drive home was a little less than thrilling. i was torn; i wanted to spend the entire weekend with cosima, but my mother was leaving monday morning and i knew that i needed to stay home at least her last full day in the states. however, i had an idea, one that i was willing to share with cosima as she cut the engine to her car. "what are you doing tomorrow?" i asked her gently, lacing our fingers together.

"my agenda consists primarily of snuggling with darwin. why do you ask?" she looked so cute, so innocent as she batted her lashes at me behind her spectacles.

"because i…" i hesitated, giving her hand a gentle squeeze, "i'm going to talk to my mother and sera tonight." i didn't have to clarify about what, as my next words did that for me. "it would be magnifique if you would join us tomorrow afternoon. i thought we could go to the zoo and then grab dinner. it would mean a lot to have all of my favorite ladies together at once." she did not speak, she did not voice an answer. instead, she took hold of my face and kissed me, so long and so hard that breathing had become an after-thought. when her lips pulled away from mine, leaving them a bit cold, she was smiling so adorably that i could hardly stand it. "i will take that as a yes, non?" i posed and she grinned, nodding her head.

"i think that would be a wonderful way to end this perfect weekend." she was smiling so wide that her eyes became slits and wrinkled at the corners. the happiness was simply radiating off of her in waves, hitting me full force, completely contagious. i unbuckled my seatbelt and she leaned across the console to kiss me again. "je t'aime," she murmured lightly against my lips. i was trying so hard to stop it, but the way my smile revealed my bright whites gave me away. i was so smitten with her that it was absolutely insane.

"_je t'aime aussi, ma chèrie._" with one last stolen kiss, we parted ways and i'd never been so simultaneously excited and upset to be home.

the rest of the afternoon and evening had been spent watching cartoons with sera and baking with my mother. we had been enjoying the fruits of our labor over tea at the kitchen table, both of our gazes lingering on the little four year old blonde ray of sunshine in the living room, completely taken by simba's belting of 'i just can't wait to be king.' my mother's voice startled me, pulling me away from watching seraphina.

"so, cosima, hm?" she started, raising a brow as she watched me over the top of her mug as she took a sip. my cheeks and neck were instantly red and i knew i had been busted.

"je l'aime, maman," i told her softly, and she reached out to touch my hand. part of me was thrilled to see sera still wrapped up in her movie and paying no attention to me. i glanced up and could see the tears brimming in my mother's eyes, and i was not quite sure how to react, at least until she spoke.

"i was not sure you would ever let yourself love again," she told me truthfully, gripping my hand. "i was afraid you had let yourself believe that you could only ever love michel. you deserved another chance, even if you didn't believe it in the beginning." she smiled warmly at me and lightly rubbed my arm, trying to comfort me although i did not need it. "and i don't even need to ask how she is with sera. as if last night's small display hadn't been enough, she was practically all sera talked about. i'd say she's almost as in love with her as you are."

i smiled, breathing a light laugh. "it's the reason i fell for her. she's so great with her, and she… she really helped out when i thought i had no one else and you couldn't just drop everything to lend a hand."

"it's good to see you so happy again, delphine."

"it's good to _be_ happy again, maman."

as if the conversation with my mother had not been easy enough, after i had helped sera take her bath, we went through the nightly ritual of her bedtime story and lullaby, but she was still battling sleepiness, which turned out to work in my favor. "maman?" she posed, tiredly rubbing at her eyes.

"oui, papillon?" she leaned against me, raising her eyes to mine.

"how come cosima hasn't come over a lot this week?"

"you mean 'why _hasn't_ cosima come over as much this week,'" i corrected softly. yes, it was impressive that she was a bilingual four year old, but it wouldn't mean anything if she could not practice it correctly. i pressed my lips together, thinking over my answer carefully. "because grand-mère has been here visiting. and i…" i paused; how did i explain it to her? how did i tell her that i felt for someone else what i had always promised to feel for her father? before i could find my voice, sera had beat me to it.

"you like her a lot, don't you?" she quizzed; _merde,_ she was too smart for her own good. i offered her a small smile in return and nodded.

"i do. and i know you like her a lot, too, in a different way. and i just… did not want to scare you."

she giggled sleepily and tucked her face in my shoulder, yawning. "you could not scare me, maman. you are not scary." i kissed the top of her head, but she was still talking in a light mutter. "i would like it very much if cosima was around all of the time. and darwin, too." i had thought that smiling so hard my face would crack was only something brought to me by cosima, but as it turned out, sera was just as capable of inducing the same thing. minutes later, her breathing was even and she was finally asleep, giving me the room i needed to slip out of her bed. i gave her another light kiss atop the head and made my way out of her room and down the hall, popping my head into the spare room to wish my mother a good night. as i tucked myself away in my own room, i got ready for bed myself and had gone to lay down when my phone sounded from my nightstand. i picked it up to see that i had a missed call and a voicemail, both from none other than cosima. i dialed in the number to check it and could not stop the grin that canvassed my features at the sound of her voice on the recording.

"_i know it's late and you might not hear this until morning, but i couldn't stop thinking about you, about last night, and i just wanted to hear your voice, even if it was just you being bossy and telling me to leave my name, number, and a brief message at the tone._" she laughed and my heart soared. "_but anyway, i guess this message was kind of pointless, but so is a lot of the stuff i do._" not pointless, completely sweet and adorable, i wanted to yell. "_so, goodnight, beautiful. may your dreams be as sweet as the taste of your lips. i love you, delphine, and i can't wait to see you tomorrow._"

there was no other way to put it: she was absolutely, completely, unfathomably… **perfect.**


	11. Chapter 11

that night, falling asleep was the last thing on the list of what my mind wanted to allow my body to do. all i could do was keep replaying those conversations, both with my mother and with sera, over and over and over again in my head. just when i thought i had pushed it aside long enough to catch some form of respite, as my mind drifted off into a shallow level of subconscious, i would wander through the dark right back to the light that had been shed on my life. sera was obviously completely taken by cosima and had grown attached to her before i, myself, had even realized it. i could not say i blamed my daughter; i had fallen so recklessly, so helplessly, and at a break-neck speed for cosima, and i was finally understanding why: she was there, in a way that no one else ever could have been. no one else would have had the perfect combination of heart and stubbornness. no one could quite scrunch their nose or smile the way cosima could. it was this collection of attributes and habits that made her so undeniably perfect.

i could not help but think about the tone my mother took on when i had told her the truth; she had known before i'd ever even thought about opening my mouth. she had known by just watching the way i looked at cosima, the way i couldn't stop smiling whenever she was within a five foot radius, or when i was talking about her. there were times when sera would bring her up that would cause my cheeks to flush and my neck to get hot. the fact of the matter was that even if i had wanted to lie to my mother, there had been no getting around it. what was more comforting was the fact that she shared in the sentiments that michel seemed to have. all she wanted was for me to be happy, to not drown in the guilt of something that was entirely out of my control. the way her smile was so delighted that it lifted her brow, causing small wrinkles in her forehead and at the corners of her eyes, it was enough to help me understand, help me draw a foregone conclusion; the only person who had ever been holding me back was myself. maybe it had done damage initially, but as it to happened, i had healed, i had come back to being… me.

i must have finally succumbed to slumber sometime after four forty five, as that was the last time i had bothered to check the clock. regardless, i awoke a little after eight to the smell of muffins and coffee wafting throughout the house. ah, it was then i realized just how much i was going to miss my mother when she left. i got up and showered, cycling through my morning ritual— i supposed that was her whole intention behind breakfast, to keep sera occupied and give me time to myself (even though that was probably the last thing i needed at the time). after i had finished and dressed, i had started down the hallway but something tugged on the very edges of my attention. i stopped in the middle of the hallway, turning to the room on my right. as i pushed open the door, i was not surprised in the least to see a barren room, filled with absolutely nothing. it was the room michel and i had been saving for our second child, when sera was a little older. the recollection hit me, a pang in my chest, but as i blinked back the tears, i blinked something else into vision.

it was so surreal how, standing there, i could suddenly see the shelves built along the walls, stretching from floor to ceiling. i could see, in my mind's eye, cosima unloading box upon box, filling the shelves with the books that had been so temporarily housed in cardboard. as i realized t\what this vision all entailed, my heart leaped into my throat and i pressed a hand to my mouth. was i getting ahead of myself? no, not with how much i had been thinking over the last twelve hours. it was close to a year, toeing the very edge of defining just how long we'd been dancing this dance. not only did i love cosima, but sera had a youthful, adoring love for the woman in her heart, too. i calmed myself, backtracking to the fact that i still had an entire day with her, my mother, and sera ahead of me. it was then, leaning against the polished dark woodwork of the door frame, that i decided how that day went would dictate what course of action i took. just the mere thought of that possibility existing was enough to make my palms want to sweat and my head want to swim. for having spent so much time initially trying to ward her off, i thought it incredibly ironic that _i_ was the one, this time, who perhaps needed to be kept at bay.

the entire day felt, to me, like a box of photographs in my mind, so many instances frozen, a cold burn into my memory. with just a single thought, i could close my eyes and picture cosima standing in front of the tiger exhibit, lifting seraphina up so she could see better. _she's getting too old for that_, i'd thought with a tip of my lips, slowly pulling apart in a smile. it was such a sight, watching the two of them together. it was nothing short of wonderful. another thought, another photograph. sera and i had gone to the washroom and had come back out, hand in hand, and for a brief moment, it felt like i was in a movie, the way the room seemed to still and the only thing in my focus was my mother as she laughed heartily at something cosima had said. she even reached out to put a hand on cosima's arm, still laughing. _mon dieu!_ she was taking my breath away and she was not even slightly aware! how did she do it? how did she have that kind of power over me, even still?! there were so many, too many instances, when i realized how perfectly she fit into my life. it was obvious that my mother adored her, which was most likely in part to the fact that she knew just how happy cosima had made me. all she wanted, all michel had wanted, was for me to be happy, and i had finally realized that i _was_.

as if i had not gathered enough proof to fuel my motivation as i walked cosima out to her car, as she gave my mother a hug goodbye and told her to have a safe trip home and then turned to sera, i got every bit of reassurance i had needed. she knelt down and pressed her fingertips, so light and gentle, into sera's sides, tickling her with a bright, lopsided grin. sera thrashed around, giggling, in her grasp, trying to escape her clutches, but finally cosima relented. "good night, munchkin!" she offered. i was already grinning from ear to ear, but even i had not expected what followed. sera wrapped her arms around cosima's neck in a tight hug and when she pulled away, she placed an adorably short and sweet peck to the apple of cosima's cheek.

"_bonne nuit, cosima!_" she toddled off as my mother beckoned her to head upstairs for a bath, looking over her shoulder at me with a smile, like she knew what had been at the forefront of my mind all day.

as we made our way out to her car, i tugged lightly on cosima's hand, turning her to face me as i let my weight rest on the side of the car. i bit at my lip at what i knew would follow, that bright, brilliant, cheeky grin, and follow it did. it was so bright in the dawn of the evening and i found myself consciously remembering to breathe. "what?" she asked me, her eyes twinkling in the sunset.

i smiled, wrapping my arms tighter around her, and gave my head a small shake. "i'm just in awe," i answered her honestly, unable to keep my eyes off of her. i'd had every single thing about that beautiful face memorized since the moment she kissed me for the first time and yet, when i looked at her, it was like i was looking at an entirely different piece of art. she found all of these subtle ways to amaze me, to floor me and leave me questioning so much of what i thought i knew. it was in that moment, in standing there with her in the middle of a beautiful evening, that i realized something i had been trying to run from, a fact that had cemented itself in my life.

i had _loved_ michel, yes so very dearly. i, however, was _in love_ with cosima.

i could have sworn in the dim light that she blushed, but she moved too quickly, pressing her forehead against my collarbone to hide her face in my chest. with both hands, i gingerly took hold of either side of her jaw, gently pulling her head back so that i could look her in the eyes, so i could see that ridiculous smile, so i could kiss those beautiful, soft lips. i felt her weight relax into me and i moved an arm down to wrap around the small of her back, pulling her close. she was so pliant, so flimsy at my touch. our lips parted and the silence fell around us, but not for long as i could faintly hear my mother trying to corral my daughter because 'running around naked was not a good idea.' i breathed a soft chuckle and cosima licked her lips, causing my grin to spread. "i want to give you something." i reached down and pulled something out of my pocket with one hand and picked up one of cosima's with the other. she was curiously watching my face, looking for some sign of what i had up my sleeve.

i gently pressed the key into her palm and closed her fingers over it, moving to wrap my arms around her again, holding her close. she opened her hand and looked down at what i had given her, the shadows changing on her features as they set into an expression i easily identified as surprise— and delight. she looked up at me, her mouth hanging agape slightly at many failed attempts to verbalize what was going through her mind. "delphine…" she started, but something in me made me want to stop her.

"non, non. just listen. it's an invitation, one you don't have a deadline for. it's just…" i hesitated, having no idea why i was trying to be so candid with what i wanted to tell her. this was cosima, she would listen. even if she did not want to hear what i had to say, she would listen. "it's just that this morning, i stood in the doorway to the spare bedroom, looking at how empty it was… and i found myself envisioning filling it with bookshelves and a desk and you filling those bookshelves with your books and filling that desk with your papers." pausing, i could feel myself getting emotional and i tried to bite it back so i could still clearly articulate what, exactly, i wanted to say. "sera looked me in the eye and said 'you like her a lot, don't you?' and it dawned on me how silly we've been, thinking she wouldn't notice something like that. i guess it's just that you… you're the missing puzzle piece, and sera and i both would really like to have you around… all of the time. and—" before i could continue, i was silenced as cosima leaned into me, standing on her toes to kiss me, to shut me up. she was holding the key to her palm with her index finger and used the other three to hold my face in place, her other hand wrapping around the back of my neck. she was so perfect, so beautiful, so amazing, so _wonderful. _wonderful, wonderful cosima. "_is that a yes?_" i breathed at her in a hushed giggle as she pulled away, leveling herself on the ground, though i still held her close.

"i'll start packing tomorrow," she responded, an airy quality to her tone that nearly lifted me right off of the asphalt.

the next morning, because she had known of our four AM departure time, cosima had showed up at half past three with coffee and offered to drive my car so that we could take my mother to the airport. she had known just how tired i was and so, like the angel she was, she had volunteered so that i could have a little bit of time to relax, to try and let the realization of a happy existence settle over me. she'd even carried a sleeping sera out to the car, which was the image of absolute perfect, if you asked me. we'd dropped my mother off, bid her a safe trip and made our way back home. _our_ home. sera sleepily stumbled up to the door and cosima came around the front of the car to say her goodbyes. "stay," i asked her softly, lightly tugging at her open jacket.

"but i have to start packing," she informed me, leaning up to steal a brief kiss.

"it's four thirty in the morning. you're not going to pack at four thirty in the morning. c'mon. i'll make breakfast when we get up again." she rolled her eyes at me, but she caved nonetheless, breathing a light laugh and giving a slight nod of her head.

it was when i woke up five hours later, finding seraphina nestled contentedly between cosima and i, that i realized what true, pure, unadulterated happiness was. and it, all of it, every last bit, was mine. i had it, and in those few minutes, i swore that i would never let it go.


	12. Chapter 12

i had briefly considered, before i had asked cosima to move in, that things were perfect. however, in the weeks following her move, i realized that only then did they reach that level of perfection. it was like there had been a space there for her, one that only she could fill. it was a vacancy that i had, previous to meeting her, not realized was there. on the nights when she would gracefully bow out and let me make dinner, there was nothing that could make me smile more than listening to she and sera read books or practice simple math equations. she was going to be five in ten months and was about to take that step from daycare (i had relented when she got a little older, knowing full well she needed to learn and develop her social skills) into kindergarten and although a part of me wanted her to stay small and sweet forever, i knew she had to grow up sometime. it truly amazed me how smart she was; was that all just cosima's influence? well, of course alongside my own. i had always known that reading to children can encourage brain stimulation, but it was truly something else, just how smart and intuitive she was. i was lucky to have her, the handful she was.

it was one night, about five or six months after cosima had moved in that something happened, something that set into motion a series of events that would change so many lives in one fell swoop. cosima and i had been nestled up next to one another on the couch, watching man vs wild when sera emerged from her room and padded down the steps. "mom, i need your help." my brows instantly shot up and i was undeniably caught off guard. in the entire four and a half years of her existence, she had never once called me 'mom,' always maman. always. she came around the edge of the couch and stood in front of us, holding out an unopened package of batteries and one of her toys. i started to lean forward to take them from her, but her brow knit together and she tilted her body more toward cosima, who looked just as surprised as i did. slowly, she sat up and took the things from sera and started working to replace the batteries.

"no more cosima, hm?" i asked her, raising a brow as she stared at me expectantly, like i missed the memo or something.

"some of the kids at daycare asked me why i had two moms." she shrugged her shoulders, making the most adorable face as her lips tugged down at the corners. "i told them i didn't, that i had a _maman_ and a mom." my face cracked in a grin and i leaned forward, scooping her up in my arms, kissing all over her face. i held her close to my body, almost like she were an infant, and let my nose brush hers in an eskimo kiss, grinning at her.

"i love you, papillon. i love you to the moon and back." i was blessed in so many ways, by these two wonderful women who comprised over ninety five percent of my life. i loved them, more than my heart even knew how to love. they had become my everything and a moment like that? it was one i wanted to capture for an eternity. nor cosima or i had ever once mentioned the way she addressed her because, quite frankly, it was not a big deal. however, her reaching that conclusion on her own, getting to that point without any guidance, it made my heart swell. i always went on and on about how smart she was, but words could never properly do that face any justice. she was brilliant and i loved her for it. as she sat up on my knee, cosima forked over the toy with a wide, happy grin.

"i love you to jupiter and back," cosima added, her grin only growing as she plied a gentle finger into sera's side, causing her to giggle. sera glanced from me to cosima and back to me before she formed her reply, the gears so visibly turning in her head.

"i love you both to pluto and back!" as cosima and i both laughed and started to open our mouths to refute her claim that pluto was a planet, she stretched out her arms, pressing her index fingers to our lips. "i do and that's the end of it!" she hopped off my lap and took off for the stairs, no doubt to return to her room.

"she's so bossy. hm, i wonder who she gets that from…" i mused, slowly rolling my eyes until i was glancing at cosima, who pinched my side in protest. i was still grinning, still completely baffled by what had just happened. in that one single moment, i _knew._ i didn't need to think about it anymore, to feel like i needed any more proof. everything was solid, cement, plain as day. it all made sense in this flurry of color and sound, so bright and deafening. _this_ was what i wanted the rest of my life to look like. weekends on the couch, playing with seraphina, mornings full of little 'five more minutes' from cosima. i wanted it, i needed it. i needed her.

that night, as cosima lay with her back pressed to my front, my arms holding her close to me, she never could have known just what was running through my mind, or how much it would mean when i was finally able to pull it together. i spent the next couple of weeks taking my time, figuring out how i wanted to go about it, what i wanted to do. i scoured old bookstores and perused jewelry shops during my lunch break. i'd finally ordered exactly what i thought cosima just wouldn't be able to say no to.

it was a week later that i truly held my breath and jumped off of that precipice, the one i had been teetering on for a long while. i had put sera to bed and ran to my room to grab something before i met cosima in the den. i tugged her up off of the couch and pulled her into the living room, where the lighting was better. i pulled out the small box with a purple bow on it and handed it to her. "i want you to have this," i told her, a nervously bright smile stretching my lips. she took it from me and lifted off the lid, her eyes going wide at what she saw.

"is this… oh god, this is 'the expression of the emotions in man and animals.'" her eyes were so bright, but they were dimmed by the intensity of her grin. my stomach was knotting consistently around itself, working its way up to knot around my heart as she pulled the book out and examined the tattered cover. she glanced up at me, her eyes simply sparkling. "how did you know this was the only one i didn't have?" she asked, to which i gave her a soft kiss.

"i pay attention to your bookshelves more than you notice," i informed her, nodding my head toward the book. "go on, open it." my smile only grew as she held the book up, her entire focus on it as she pulled the pages open, the quizzical expression on her face instantly falling away as her eyes went even wider than before. i had bought it at a second rate bookstore for fifty cents because it had been missing about ten pages and so, i used it as the dummy, or at least i'd gotten her another copy that wasn't hollowed out. there was a little cubby carved into the pages that held a small, velvet box inside. cosima's free hand flew up, but froze in mid-air, like she wasn't sure what to do with it. as she was focused on the book, though, i had slipped past her concentration and moved to take a knee before her, holding up the ring that should have been in the box. she moved the book and looked ahead, as if she thought i was still there, but quickly realized i wasn't and looked down at me. i had never witnessed cosima cry before, but i could have sworn that her eyes glassed over at the sight of me. i was grinning, my eyes wrinkling at the corners with my joy. she put the book down on the table beside her and watched me adoringly.

"cosima zeppelin niehaus, please promise me that you will always bring this kind of joy into my life. will you marry me?" there was only one, a single tear, but it rolled down the surface of her cheek as it had been prompted by her nodding, a smile curling her lips.

"of course i will. god, of course." she wiped at her face, bumping her glasses out of the way to do so and i got to my feet, holding up the ring so i could slide it onto her finger, among the many others. "is that… is that quartz?" she asked with a meek little grin, one that made my heart thunder in my chest. i gave a nod and before i could finish, she took hold of me and kissed me so hard, so desperately that it made my head spin. she was magical, mesmerizing, and i was so lost in everything she was that i'd nearly forgot the follow-up i had to this so-very-important proposal. i pulled away, easing out with a few pecks before i opened my eyes to look down at her.

"this… this proposal comes with a condition though," i explained, to which she quirked an eyebrow at me, the corner of her lips twitching upward.

"and that is?"

suddenly, i was soft. i wasn't sure if what i wanted to say to her would be off-putting or if she would change her mind. it was silly, to think she would say no because of my inquiry. my fingers wrapped around her neck and my thumbs rested on her cheeks as i fell apart, looking into those honey-almond eyes. "an amazing man once told me to let my love continue to blossom after it may have wilted. he told me that he knew me, that i would find a heart to call my new home, and i have." i paused, trying to find my voice as cosima's eyes started to glass over again. i breathed a soft laugh, biting nervously at my lip. "you know, it's funny, almost. _you_ are my new home, cosima niehaus, the place i belong. and that's why i was hoping you would be alright with sera and i taking your surname." the tears had started to openly fall down her cheeks and she nodded her head vigorously. i kissed her, like i had never dreamed of kissing her before, and i felt like the entire world simply vanished around us. seraphina was asleep and i was _engaged. we_ were engaged. cosima and i. cosima and delphine. cosima, delphine, and seraphina. family.

the blood was rushing, pumping in my ears as she kissed me back, through my veins, quickening my pulse as cosima's hands grabbed at anything they could reach, moving to my shirt. she hesitated not even a second before she pulled upward, tearing our heated liplock in half to get it off. i was hasty, quick to return the favor, letting the sweatshirt of mine she had been wearing fall to the seat of the couch before our lips meshed again, my hands heading instantly for the shorts she had on, finding no need for them now. before she could tuck her fingers into the waist of my flannel pants, i pulled away, glancing over my shoulder at her as i headed for the steps, taking them two at a time. she was quickly on my heels, rushing up behind me a bit too quick, running into me as her hands found my sides and we both erupted into hushed giggles. i shushed her and told her that we couldn't wake up sera and she agreed, not missing a chance to tell me the same thing.

i shut the door behind me as we stumbled into the bedroom, but before i could move, cosima had me pinned to it, causing me to gasp. god, i hated it when she did that. it didn't matter that she was a good head shorter than me, she always caught me by surprise. my back pressed to the cool wood made me shiver in her grasp, but the way she was kissing and nipping her way down my neck and over my shoulder, it was more than doing the job to restore that warmth. i whimpered pathetically as her kisses traversed my chest, her teeth nicking one of my nipples and eliciting a quiet cry. i was still floored, completely taken aback by how we had so quickly changed gears, but it was growing to be less and less of a surprise with us. what _was_ a surprise was how aggressive she was being. i _liked _it. the truth was, the more comfortable i had become with her, the more dominant i became in the bedroom. …and kitchen …and shower. i knew cosima loved it, but i had a feeling she loved these moments more, the ones when i would bend to her touch and let her have her way with me. she hooked her fingers in the waist of my underwear and gave a tug, dropping them along with my pants to pool around my ankles and just like that, i was completely bare and vulnerable before her, but the way she looked at me? i felt like the only woman in the world, well, aside from her of course.

i reached out to her hips, leveling out the playing field by helping her shed the one last remaining article of clothing. as i did so, she backed away and took my hand, pulling me over to the bed. as i got onto it on my knees, she was instantly behind me, on her own on either side of my calves, her body pressed to mine. my teeth dug into my lip so hard i thought i might begin to taste blood, but they released when her hand slid over my stomach, down the curve of my hip, her fingers knowing where they were heading oh so well. her touch sucked the breath out of my lungs, but not nearly as bad as when she placed her head next to mine, turning to bite at my neck. i reached up to cradle the back of her head as my own tipped back in pleasure, my eyes falling shut. she knew what she was doing to me, knew that she was turning me to mush, so weak in her hands. her teeth caught my earlobe and i yelped quietly, her touch gaining pressure. i could feel that force, that powerful swell of feeling pool in the bottom of my stomach and i whined in response, desperate for release. not a moment later, it hit me like a train, causing my knees to tremble on the bed and the upper half of my body to lurch forward in ecstasy.

cosima was quick, though, and moved, gently nudging me onto my back on the bed, her lips fervently finding mine as her hands roamed the soft comforts of my warm skin. there was something in her kisses, in the way she peppered them all over my body that just felt so incredibly different, so much stronger, filled with so much more purpose. everything she did, every move she made, it was deliberate, intent. she had not been able to find the words to express what my gesture had meant to her, so she was using another form to communicate that to me. her teeth grazed at my skin as her soft, warm lips traversed my body, leaving my skin tingling, shadows of former kisses. she kissed down one thigh and up another, dragging it out, making me want it, want her, more than i ever had before. "_cosima, please,_" i begged pathetically, but instead of finding the feeling i was so desperate for, he was crawling above me, looking at me in the dim light of the moon.

"i love you, delphine co—" she stopped, grinning, and rethought her words. "i love you, delphine soon-to-be-niehaus." i looked like a grinning idiot, i'm sure, but she was so… she was so _cosima_ that it hurt.

"i love you too, cosima niehaus." she took my lips by storm once more, but did not let the kiss linger long before she was moving, retracing a familiar path, stopping to kiss at each lone freckle whenever it came into her path. my hands ached for hers as her head settled between my legs, and she offered one for me to grip at desperately, the other finding a rhythm against the _one _spot that caused a tingle to stretch upward into my lower abdomen. my free hand held the side of her head desperately, tangled in her dreads, my hips involuntarily jerking upward. i could feel it, teetering on the edge of complete bliss and in the blink of an eye, i had completely melted in her clutches, crying out a lot more loudly than i had intended. cosima pulled away as i released the hold i had on her head and i could tell that she was laughing; i had scolded her and yet, i was the one who couldn't keep it down. she had climbed back over me and started to kiss me, but we both froze at the sound of a door clicking. as i heard sera toddling down the hall, i instinctively pushed cosima off of the bed, trying not to laugh, and immediately pulled the duvet over me, hugging it to my chin as sera pushed open my door.

"_maman?"_ she asked sleepily, rubbing at her eyes. she looked at me, and then next to me. "_where is cosima?_"

"she's in the shower, baby." i could hear cosima snickering from the floor next to the bed and i cleared my throat to cover it.

"but what was that sound? why did you yell?"

"i just had a bad dream. i'm okay now, i promise. go back to bed, papillon." she ran up to the edge of the bed opposite cosima and kissed me on the cheek before she made her exit, pulling the door shut behind her. instantly, i sat up and leaned over the edge of the bed at a grin-ridden cosima.

"ow," she mused at me, laughing.

"get up here and let me make it up to you."


	13. Chapter 13

**a/n:** okay so i maybe lied a little bit. this, as well as the next update, will both be written from** cosima's**point of view (mostly because i hit a wall when trying to write it from delphine's). **ALSO. IMPORTANT:** if you liked the fluffy cuteness and wanted it to continue, well, you should probably just reread the first 12 chapters. if, however, you are okay with having your heart torn out and stomped all over, then by all means, enjoy!

—

_months are comprised of weeks, weeks of days, days of hours, hours of minutes, minutes of seconds, seconds of nanoseconds. they all continuously stack atop each other to create dimensions of time, something i learned at an early age. what i had not been taught hand in hand with that lesson, but should have been, was that when your life has purpose, they all slowly slip away into one another. the seconds slip into minutes, the minutes tick by into hours. the hours pass by into days and soon, the days are amounting to weeks and before you know it, the months those weeks turned into just melt away, like they had never existed in the first place. my life had melted down like a candle, straight to the base of the wick, several times over, since i had met delphine, but even more so since the moment she had posted herself on one knee before me and asked me to spend my life with her. there had never been any hesitation, none whatsoever. i did not need another reason aside from the fact that of all things in life, of everything i had learned and everything i knew, delphine gave me a purpose inexplicable by any string of twenty six letters formed into any array of words. delphine gave me what no one else had been able to, so whole-heartedly; delphine gave me love._

_there were these monumental markers, these periods of time that stuck still in my head, like a picture show available at my every whim and desire. one of them was sera's first day of school, the way del had called in late just so she could be there as we dropped her off for her first day __**together.**__ i had known before we even arrived at the school that she was an emotional mess. her little girl was growing up, taking her first big step into the world, and i can imagine that it was never an easy sight for any mother, much less delphine, who had this unique and distinct relationship with her daughter, one that had so much more depth than anyone other than the two of them, myself included, could ever comprehend. what they had was special; in a way, i was jealous. i wished i'd had something like that with my mother. i mean, in a way, i did, but not to the extent that they did. it was magical, truly magical and i was consistently in a state of awe because of it. if i thought, though, for even a second that that particular moment would be the hardest for delphine within the year, i had been sorely mistaken._

_though they came few and far between, i hated when she had to leave, even if it was only for a couple of days. this time, as it was many a time before, she was to board a plane and fly to new york for a conference that she was speaking at, on behalf of the bay area immunology developmental board. i was proud of her, of course i was. it wasn't her first lecture and i knew it would not be her last, but it was most certainly the most difficult to see her off on. it was the middle of winter and sera had been running a fever, one that made her extremely irritable and cranky. she was still sweet as sugar to me, but it was more than obvious that she was feeling less than optimal. she kept rubbing at her eyes and snuggling more and more into me on the couch as delphine frantically made her rounds, trying to make sure she had everything before the cab arrived to pick her up. i would have been more than happy to take her, but not only was sera coming down with something, i'd developed quite the chest cold myself and could hardly be bothered to move from the spot i was glued to, unless sera needed something. as if there had been any doubt in my mind that she would, delphine had insisted that she could stay, that she didn't have to go, but i was insistent. it was important for her, and it was important __**to **__her, and i wanted her to go. i had managed to convince her by promising that she, too, would only get sick if she stayed, and that i would take the best care of sera. the reluctance had been evident on her face from the get-go, but somehow, i'd talked her into it._

_she had leaned over the back of the couch to kiss the both of us on the forehead, causing sera to giggle quietly before burying her face in my side, pulling herself tighter to me. we stayed like that for hours upon hours, watching cartoons and nat geo, making chicken noodle soup, and just curling up to keep warm despite the many blankets i had covered us up with. by the time sera had fallen asleep, i'd carried her up to her room and had started to tuck her into bed before she stirred, squirming in my grasp. "momma?" she asked me softly and all over again, i melted. it happened every time the word left her lips, even months after the first time. i hummed an inquisitorial response and she clung to me, willing me not to put her down. "can i—" she let out a soft whimper and clutched me tighter, the heels of her feet digging into my sides._

_"of course you can sleep with me. your maman left a very big bed very empty."_

_the next few days without delphine were hard, and i understood for the first time what she possibly dealt with on her own for two very long months. despite the fact that my cold started to clear up, sera's health was not on the same uptake as mine was. it was starting to scare me, how pale her skin was, and how she would only eat a couple of bites of anything i put in front of her before she was insisting she was full. it was one morning when i was helping her get dressed for the day that i started to get this sinking feeling in the core of my stomach. there was a large bruise on her back, roughly the size of a softball, and another of the same measure on her chest. delphine was going home two days later and the fact that sera was still sick and apparently getting worse almost made me feel inadequate, though i was well aware there was nothing i could truly do for her outside of taking her to the doctor, so that was exactly what i did._

_after two exhausting days of too many tests to count, i was finally able to take her back home, just in time for her mother's return, but i was bearing a burden far heavier than i had ever imagined having to carry. as i stood in the doorway to her room, running my thumb over the quartz on my finger, i felt so helpless, so worthless. i should have seen it, should have known that there was something more there than had ever met the eye. i should have recognized the symptoms, the red flags. i was kicking myself for things i knew were out of my control, but it was better than owning up to any reality that mirrored the one i was living. i wanted to deny it all, to close my eyes and wish the world well again, but i knew that was never going to happen. i was a realist, as much as i liked to live with my head in the clouds. _

_that night, after i was sure sera was asleep, i made my way into the den and hauled my laptop off of the end table and propped it on the arm of the couch, pulling it open. before i could even move the mouse, the soft noises of an incoming call sounded and i answered it before i even looked to see who it was, already knowing instantly. i painted on the best smile i could manage, despite the fact that all i wanted to do, and all i had done all day was cry. i was thankful for the dim light of the den, as it hid the bags that had appeared beneath my eyes, not well hidden by my glasses._

_"bonsoir, ma chèrie," delphine greeted me with a bright, brilliant, happy grin. it was painful, to see her so happy, to know that i was going to have to lie to her, to an extent. the truth was, that was nor the time or the place to tell her what i needed to tell her. then again, i wasn't sure there would __**ever **__be a time or a place to tell her what i needed to tell her. _

_"how was sightseeing today?" i asked her, trying to find a way to occupy the conversation, and my mind, to an extent where i would not end up a crying mess again. _

_"it was wonderful, but nowhere as wonderful as it could have been if you and sera were here with me." she smiled warmly and my chest tightened. "how is my little papillon doing?" i forgot how to breathe. i was fumbling and my chest was still. _

_"she's still not feeling well," i squeaked out, doing my best to keep my jaw set and my eyes locked on the screen so she could not sense any betrayal in my expression. i had to keep looking at her, keep telling myself that this was the best way to go about this, the best way to handle things. what i realized, looking into the image of delphine's beautiful face, was that there __**was**__ no 'best way.' there was barely a 'way' in the first place, let alone a best one. "i took her to the doctor and they gave her some medicine that will help her sleep through the night."_

_i could tell that she was concerned, and that she felt hopeless, and it was the primary reason that i had to keep my mouth shut. this was bad enough as it was, i simply couldn't stand to make it any worse, not when i couldn't hold her and tell her that things would work out, that they always did. "i love you, you know?"_

_her words snapped me back into reality as i shook my head a bit, startled by the sound of her voice. my eyes softened and for a split second, i was sure i was going to lose every bit of composure i had been maintaining, but somehow, i managed to carry on, swallowing down the swell of emotions that bobbed in my chest. "i love you too," i responded softly, wanting so badly, so desperately, to just be able to touch her, to kiss her, to tell her i was sorry._

_"i mean it. you've taken such good care of her and i… well, if i can't be there to do it, i'm just really glad it's you." i tried to smile, tried to will my cheeks to tug even slightly at the corners of my lips but it was futile, and delphine picked up on it right away. "cos? what is it, sweetheart?" i lifted up my glasses to rest atop my head and rubbed at my eyes._

_"mm, s'nothin'. i'm just tired, that's all." she must have looked at the clock and then computed the time difference because she gasped softly._

_"merde, cosima, i am so sorry. it's nearly two thirty in the morning. go! sleep!" i smiled at her adoringly; how could i not? when she would curse like that, so innocently, it warmed my heart. she leaned toward her camera a bit, her face bright and white as the moon in the glow of her computer screen. "i can't wait to see you tomorrow night. both of you."_

_i feigned another smile, though the dread that filled me would have been heavy enough to sink and entire fleet of warships. we traded our 'i love yous' one last time, but i felt dirty, like a liar who was so undeserving of her love. 'it's only a day,' i told myself. 'she will understand.' no matter how many times they played on repeat as i tried to lay myself to sleep next to sera's frail, small form, i just could not find truth in them. somehow, it felt to me like i should have been better than that, like i should have told her what was so desperately clinging to the tip of my tongue. instead, i spent the entire next day kicking myself over it, scolding myself, telling myself that what i had done was wrong. the truth was, though, that i was desperately seeking a way to brace myself for what i knew was coming, what i knew would happen that night. i had tucked seraphina in, read her three books— per her request— and even managed to somehow sing a few melodic favorites of mine to lull her into sleep. i kissed the top of her head and made my way out into the front room, wrapping myself up in one of the fleece blankets as i awaited delphine's return home._

_i had dozed off at some point and jerked awake at the sound of the lock on the front door clicking, my glasses sitting haphazardly crooked on my face. i took them up and wiped the sleep from my eyes, attempting to seem as fresh faced as possible; delphine needed __**something**__ decent to come home to first thing, because what would follow was bound to… well, i tried to refrain thinking about what it was going to do to her, especially after realizing what it had done to __**me.**__ i tossed aside the blanket and was on my feet in a heartbeat to greet her. she barely had time to set down her bags before i was wrapping her up in my arms and holding her so unbelievably tight. i didn't want to let her go, mostly because i knew that she would most certainly not be able to miss how puffy and raw my eyes had become in person. nonetheless, we just stood there, just existing in this content bliss of the unknown. i took in everything about that moment, from the way she smelled of peonies and sugar to the way her hair tickled the side of my face. if i would have had even a bit of energy, it would have made me laugh, but it somehow felt so… __**wrong**__ to have any form of a laugh living inside my lungs. as i loosened my hold on her and pulled back, she cradled my cheek and kissed me, a soft, breathy giggle tumbling from her lips._

_"i missed that," she told me as her eyes slowly fluttered open. as quickly as her smile had appeared, it was gone as she took in the sight of me. her brow knit together in concern and worry and she brought up her other hand to hold my face still. "cosima, what's wrong? have you been crying?" _

_i huffed a sardonic laugh and smiled sadly up at her, letting my knuckles brush her cheek tenderly. "you don't miss a thing," i told her quietly before i took hold of her hand, tugging her gently over to the couch. as she sat, i did the same and angled my body toward hers, taking both of her hands strongly in my own. my eyes searched her face and i felt like my mouth was suddenly full of cotton balls. i swallowed down what felt like a rock and attempted to clear my throat. "i lied to you," i started in a sudden blurt. her expression instantly made me want to crawl up into a damp, small, dark hole, and die. this was not about to get easier, and that look was surely not going to be the most painful thing i had witnessed in that small span of time. "i did take sera to the doctor. who sent us to the hospital." _

_my hands were shaking atop delphine's and i could feel the sting of tears eating away at the backs of my eyes. "delphine…" my voiced cracked disparagingly over her name and as i tried to continue, all i was able to exude was the quivering of my bottom lip. "sera… sera's sick." in an instant, i could visibly see the shift in the color of her skin, blanching in the blink of an eye. her mouth dried up and her jaw set, like she was clenching her teeth._

_"it's just the flu," she tried to argue back, but her tone lacked the conviction she was so desperately missing. i shook my head sadly and the moment the tears started to leak from her eyes, i was more than sure i, too, was nearing the verge of losing all control. she was quiet for a good, long time and i let her. she needed to get her thoughts in order, thoughts that i did not doubt were trying to consume her. "what is it?" _

_as i sat there, trying to push the boulders of words out of my mouth, i knew in a heartbeat that to her, this would be a sentence. to her, this would be a repetition of her personal history, and i knew how badly that was going to hurt her. although my voice was nearly inaudible and i'd never wanted to say the words in my life, i finally got them out, and the biggest part of me wanted it to be the last terrible thing i ever had to tell her._

_"acute lymphoblastic leukemia."_


	14. Chapter 14

_i could see it, so nearly tangible right in front of me, as any kind of sparkle, of hope immediately disappeared from those beautiful hazel eyes. she looked like a china doll, so frail and pale there before me and i was instantly torn on what to do. the tears welling up in her eyes caused a twisting, sharp pain in my chest. i did that. i was the one who told her the news that did that to her. i'd experienced a plethora emotions over the span of my life until that point, but never anything like that had enveloped me in those moments. even hearing as the doctor pulled me out into the hallway to tell me sera's diagnosis. no, having to tell delphine would have been the hardest job for anyone, being that she was, of course, sera's mother, but it was even more difficult for me. i loved her, and i loved seraphina and i knew that they had been through so much together already. delphine had already lost someone she loved, and i knew that losing sera, god forbid, would absolutely destroy her._

_her hands trembled in my grasp and i tried to swallow down my tears, but it was of no use. i could feel them sitting, waiting to fall, but i wouldn't give them that permission. no, i had to stay strong for delphine. she was so still, so scarily still that i was not even sure she was breathing. it was then, though, that she began to cry— to sob— shaking so badly that it was causing a physical pain to pool in my stomach. instantly, i moved forward and pulled her into my arms, holding her close to my chest. her hands clutched so sadly, so desperately at me and the ache inside me only seemed to grow. i had known what this meant the moment i found out, but it was in that moment, with delphine in a million pieces in my arms, that i had to associate that with how it would affect her, literally see it with my very eyes. i nuzzled my face into the top of her hair, my gasp only tightening around her. i did not tell her it would be okay, i did not tell her that things would be fine. the truth was, i didn't know what was going to happen, but what i did know was that i was not going to let her face any of it alone._

_the two of us laid on the couch like that well into the night; delphine had cried herself into exhaustion, finally passing out as she laid atop me, her head on my chest. she would wake up every so often throughout the night, realize her surroundings and what had happened, and she would start the process all over again, sobbing into my shirt until her body wore itself out again. it happened a couple more times until finally, i woke her and coaxed her into going into the bedroom, assuring her that i would be in right behind her. as she made her way down the hall and stumbled into our room, i stopped a bit further down, pushing the door to sera's room open. i slipped inside and placed myself on the side of the bed, brushing back her soft, blonde locks as her eyes sleepily blinked open. "your maman is home, butterfly. why don't you come to bed with us?" she sat up slowly and wrapped her arms around my neck, clinging to me as i stood and carried her out into the hallway and into our room. delphine had been perched on the end of the bed and when i came into the room, sera half asleep in my arms, what part of her __**could **__light up, did. she was on her feet and holding her arms out for sera, who saw her through half-open eyes and smiled broadly through her haze._

_"maman!" she cried, swinging from my grasp to delphine's. watching the two of them, it somehow warmed me and shattered my being at the same time. sera was about to endure some of the toughest days of her life, and delphine and i both knew it. so many children got to maintain this insane sense of innocence until they got older, but that was a fate that sera was not destined for. she was bound to know a life full of struggle, full of fight and in a way, the fact that she had to walk that path tore at all the threads of who i was. sera's head dropped to delphine's shoulder as she clung to her, letting her eyes fall shut. "momma and i watched all the lion kings," she murmured quietly into delphine's neck, who in response, bit her lip and looked to the ceiling to keep from crying. she rubbed sera's back and moved to lay her down on the bed. as she straightened up, she turned to me and offered a sad, weak smile, nodding her head toward the bed. i offered a nod in return and moved to lay down on the other side of sera as she, too, laid down. we scooted closer to one another, sandwiching her between the two of us. i know if she would not have been so exhausted, sera would have giggled that adorable little giggle, but i was almost sure she had already fallen back asleep._

_i glanced down and her breathing had slowed again, her eyes closed and her cheeks just barely pink, making her look like a small angel nestled in the white sheets and duvet. i slipped my glasses off and let them rest on the nightstand, turning back to nestle my head into the pillow, my eyes meeting delphine's in the dark. it seemed like, for a solid ten minutes, we had the loudest conversation without having to open our mouths, or make a single sound. i could see her fear, her pain, her terror, and i hoped beyond hope that she could see my promise, my resolve, my hope. i wanted her to know that no matter what, i wasn't going anywhere. i was there for her, for sera, and i was not going to give up on them. i would have created the cure myself if it was at all possible, but there were just some things in the world that could not be. i reached across and touched her face, brushing her skin so gently with my thumb. "we're going to get through this." my words were a hushed whisper and part of me knew that she didn't want to believe me, but she squeezed her eyes shut, her tears sparkling in the moonlight. i placed my palm across her cheek and debated my next words, waiting until i could verbalize them with an entirely true sense of conviction in them. "and then, when she goes into remission… well, then we'll get married." her eyes opened, shining sadly in the dark and i knew that if she could have mustered it, she would have smiled at me. instead, she reached up and wrapped her fingers around mine, squeezing my hand gently. _

_"i don't know what i would do without you, cosima. i love you so much." i smiled softly at her in the dark and gripped lightly at her fingers. she had endured so much pain in her life, gone through so much hell and back, and all she deserved was a little shot at happiness. _

_"i love you too, delphine. try to get some sleep."_

_the weeks following delphine's return had been precariously long and full of so many questions, some of which did not get answers. what we did know, though, was that they wanted to start sera on a chemo regimen, something that had delphine in knots. we both knew what it was going to do to her, how what we were agreeing to was to fill her small form up with toxic chemicals to save her body from itself. fortunately, it had been caught soon enough that __**something**__ could be done. it was a bit better than what had happened to michel, i knew that much, but it was still something left in the balance, bound to tip one way or another in time. _

_i felt like a helpless heap, stuck in the passenger's seat as i had to stand back and watch one of the people i loved most take on such an adult fact of life at such a young age and hold the hand of the other as she could do nothing to stop it. we were warriors on the front lines, bare handed, without any weapons or defenses. all we could do was hold sera's hand whenever she needed it and rub her back when she could hardly stand taking a breath. once the chemo started, things were especially hard. sera was constantly sick and while the only thing she ever did aside from that was snuggling up to either delphine or i, it was the most unbearable thing to see her so drained and tired._

_there was something, though, that had been far worse than her constantly getting sick or crying all of the time. it had only been a matter of time, but as sera's hair started to fall out, i knew that the most heartbreaking days were yet to come. one morning, delphine had taken sera into school to get her work for the week; she had wanted to go alone, but sera had begged her. there were things on her hook in ms. devineaux's room that she wanted to get and although sera couldn't say it, we both knew that she missed her friends. they had come back a bit later and i had known the moment they came through the door that something was wrong. sera had tried to run up the stairs to go to her room, but her toe caught on the first step. delphine was quick, though, and lunged forward to catch her before she could hit the other steps. "be careful, papillon," she scolded half-heartedly, and let her go to retreat to her room. i'd asked her what was wrong, but she smiled and shook her head at me, dismissing me. _

_the rest of the day, things were quietly tense in the house. something very obviously had delphine upset and there was nothing i could do to change it. even as i tried to coax it out of her as we laid down for bed, i had known that she was not going to willingly give it up and in a way, it hurt. i wanted to make this easier for her, to lighten her burden, but she wasn't letting me. it took me over an hour to fall asleep and i stayed that way for even less time. instead, i awoke nearly forty five minutes later, a bit cold from the lack of body heat next to me. i opened my eyes and confirmed what i already knew; delphine was gone. squeezing my eyes shut, i listened hard and could hear her quiet crying coming from the adjoining bathroom. slowly, i climbed out of bed and crossed the room, standing in the doorway to the bathroom. what i saw completely broke me. delphine was curled up in the corner, against the tub, with her face in her knees, sobbing. instantly, my face fell and my eyes stung._

_i made my way inside, my feet warm on the cold tile, and placed myself on the floor next to her, wrapping an arm around her. instinctively, she leaned into me and came unglued, crying so hard her body trembled in my grasp. "what happened, honey?" i coaxed lightly, rubbing her back as comfortingly as i could possibly manage. she did not give me an answer right away, but instead let her head rest on my shoulder, the tears still spilling down her cheeks. it was a good five minutes, maybe ten, before she slowly started to pull herself together, to find her voice again._

_"today… when i took sera in to get her things from school… and we went into her classroom… a couple of the kids said things about liking her hat… and she took it off…" she started crying again, hiding her face in my neck. i held her tighter and buried my face in her hair, squeezing my eyes shut. "they laughed at her, cosima. i don't think they did it in a malicious way… they're just kids and i __**know**__ that, but i just… she cried the whole way home." delphine stopped speaking and looked up at me, her eyes so red and wet with her heartache. "i can't __**do**__ anything. i can't take away her pain, i can't give her her hair back, i can't make her feel __**normal.**__" my face crumpled like an old note on worn paper and before i knew what was happening, my cheeks were wet with tears. i was crying? shit, when had that happened? _

_i cleared my throat and wiped at my face, searching my vast pool of knowledge for words, for anything. finally, they came. "maybe we __**can**__ make her feel normal," i replied, my hold loosening from around her. i got to my knees and scooted over toward the sink, pulling open a couple of drawers in search of something. i had made my mind up two minutes ago and nothing delphine said was going to change it. i found what it was i was looking for and cradled them in my hands, glancing up to delphine as i turned to face her. before she could even process what i was doing, i reached up with one hand and picked up a dread, tugging on it by the end, pulling it away from my head. with the other hand, i slipped my fingers in the grips of the scissors and lifted them up, cutting away the lone dread. delphine, who had been watching me with a confused expression, yelped and gasped, covering her mouth in horror._

_"cosima! what are you doing?! have you lost your mind?!" i smiled at her as i repeated the process several more times until she, too, was on her knees, taking hold of my wrists. "cosima! stop! your hair!"_

_my eyes wrinkled at the corners as i smiled at her, my heart still squeezing in my chest. i knew what i was doing, and i wanted to do it. i laughed at her, but it was not out of joy— in fact, i was crying even worse than i had been before. delphine grabbed my face and pressed her forehead to mine, crying as she kissed me; i could taste the excess salt on her lips. "it's just hair, delphine. it's going to grow back. but at least this way, sera doesn't have to feel so alone." her eyes opened and stared into mine at close range, her touch on my face so desperate and firm. the tears were still soundlessly leaking down my cheeks, but i was resolved to finish what i had started. i gave her another soft, salty kiss, and pulled back, watching her. "when i get done, will you help me finish with the clippers?"_

_though her cheeks, her nose, her eyes were all red, she smiled at me and nodded her head. "only if you help me, too." i beamed at her, giving her a nod of my own in return. of course i would help her. of course i would cut and shave her hair off after she helped me do the same. so that was how we spent the rest of our night, when the two of us could not find sleep. she cut off a couple of my dreads at a time to speed along the process and then finished off with the clippers, running her hand over my now smooth, round head. her eyes sparkled with her tears and i knew that she was overwhelmed by the sacrifice i was willing to make. she'd known as well as i had that everything about me, it was an extension of who i was and so, for me to willingly get rid of that for her daughter, it was beautiful to her. i understood it, i truly did. _

_she sat on the edge of the tub and i got in it to stand behind her, pulling her hair into a bun on the top of her head. i asked her if she was sure, if she really wanted to go through with it and she looked up at me, a smile on her lips, and nodded her head. i got about half way through the base of her bun and ended up laughing— her hair was too thick to get it all in one go, so instead, i took it down and cut sections of it at a time until it was short enough for me to shave the rest of it off. when i finished and she got to her feet, i could see a movie shot in my head, like there was a camera in the ceiling, taking in the panorama of the white tile, the white bathtub, and the blonde curls and brunette dreadlocks covering the floor. as i stood behind her, peeking around as she looked at herself in the mirror, i watched her eyes well up with tears and she reached up to cover her mouth. i wrapped my arms around her waist and pressed the side of my head to her arm. "you look beautiful," i told her in a whisper, turning my head to kiss her shoulder. "i'm sure sera will think so, too."_

_the next morning, we'd gotten up and started our morning routines a bit earlier than normal. i was scrambling egg whites in a pan on the stove as delphine made coffee behind me and was not even aware that sera was awake until we heard her squeal as she came into the kitchen. the two of us turned to face her, and she had the biggest smile on her face. "you're like me," she voiced softly, reaching up to rub the smooth crown of her head. as we stood side by side, she ran up to us, looping an arm through our inside legs, hugging them tight. "i love you both to pluto and back," she managed weakly, and when she looked up at us, she had tears in her eyes. _

_it was that moment, that particular moment in time, that dictated the decisions i would come to make in the future. it was looking into her eyes and knowing that i would do literally anything for the two of them that solidified everything in my mind. _

_close to two months later, sera's health took a nosedive. she was steadily getting worse and her body was starting to give up on itself, despite her spirit's desire to fight. delphine and i had been sitting by the window on the couch as sera slept and we got the news; without a bone marrow transplant within the next month, it was most likely that sera wouldn't make it past christmas. having to hold delphine and see the tears gave me a new resolution, a new purpose for living. we had briefly discussed the possibilities of trying to find a donor, but sera was AB- and finding a match was going to be like finding a needle in a haystack. i had suggested that maybe i could test, but delphine had dismissed the notion before i'd had any time to sway her on it._

_i was going to donate my bone marrow to seraphina, even if it made delphine angry with me. i would just have to do it behind her back._

_being an O-, i was that needle. i was going to make my own way out of the haystack._


	15. Chapter 15

two months. that was it. only two months.

i had only, roughly, eight weeks left with my daughter. the doctors pulled me out in the hallway to tell me that she, most likely, wouldn't make it to see christmas without a bone marrow transplant, and if she did, she would almost certainly not live to see the new year. i remember nodding my head, attempting to notify him that i understood his words, that i felt every bone-crushing ounce of the gravity they carried. he touched my shoulder and for a moment, it was as if i wasn't... _me._ i could see his hand on my shoulder, but i didn't feel it. i didn't feel anything. then, then he walked away and i was sucked right back into my being; i felt all of it; all of the heartache, all of the pain, all of the harsh injustice, it all careened toward me, piercing too many different parts of me. in an instant, i fell to my knees in the hallway, leaning against the wall. my hand pressed over my mouth as i tried to stifle the sob that escaped my lips.

in the blink of an eye, cosima was peering around the door, instantly kneeling before me when she realized i was a sobbing heap on the floor. her palms so delicately cradled my jaw and her eyes softened, her lips tugging down at the corners. her lips parted, just barely, like there were very few words on the tip of her tongue, but she did not speak. instead, she moved to her knees and pulled me into her arms, holding me tightly to her chest as i cried. she didn't need to ask, she knew that things had only gotten worse. that was the beautiful thing about what i had with cosima; some things were just too painful to hear, let alone repeat, and she completely understood that.

"_hold on, okay? i'm sure sarah won't mind watching the girls while we go take a walk._" she reached up and brushed a few of my tears away with the pad of her thumb before she got to her feet and made her way back into the room.

a couple of months after we had first started seeing one another, cosima had been contacted by a woman who lived in brixton and had been searching for her biological parents. as it turned out, they were twins; safe haven babies that had been left in an emergency room in los angeles. they'd been adopted out to two different families, one of which was originally from london but lived in los angeles, the other being a resident as well. the former stayed in the area for the first two years of sarah's life, but then moved back to their home city and raised her there. cosima's parents, on the other hand, had stayed in the state, but moved up north, raising her in san francisco. essentially, sarah moved to the states when her daughter, kira, was a baby, and had been trying to track down her birth parents since, which led her to cosima all those years later. the closer the two of them got, the more i got to know the family cosima hadn't known she'd had. sarah was... well, the only thing the two truly shared were their faces.

it amazed me, really, how the two of them could be so alike and yet, so incredibly different. it was in the details, in the way they would slouch so differently, or the way they behaved while speaking. sarah was always carrying something, be it a pen or her keys, flipping them around her finger in a completely non-methodical way. she muttered more, perhaps in a way that she might have been used to being talked over, but was slowly getting away from it. and then, then there was kira.

being confined to a hospital room is hell, especially on a five year old. the more sarah and kira came around, the easier it was on seraphina; she had a friend, someone to occupy her time. they would color in coloring books or watch movies for hours on end. she was an incredible distraction for sera, for making her forget just how bleak things were, and i could not have been more thankful. then, moments like these came and sarah's presence was even more overwhelming. when i needed to step away, to catch my breath and get my head on in a way that only cosima could assist with, sarah was there like an angel to step in.

after a moment, cosima returned and i had somehow miraculously managed to get to my feet, though i was still leaning against the wall for support. she reached down and lightly took me by the fingers, gently tugging me down the hallway. i moved up next to her side and gripped her hand tightly in my own as we walked, still trying to figure out how, and at what point, this had become my reality, the way my world was falling apart. on top of that, i was trying desperately to remember how to put one foot in front of the other. cosima pulled open the door to the courtyard and i passed through it, her following right behind me. she took a seat on a bench and tugged on my hand, pulling me into her lap. i leaned down to rest my head on her shoulder and could hold it in no longer. the tears started falling the moment my forehead pressed to the warm skin of her neck. she wrapped me up in her arms and held me tightly, giving me the one thing i needed more than anything in that moment: a shoulder to cry on. someone to be there. her. i needed her.

i let her hold me like that for what felt like an eternity, but was, in reality, only a few minutes. the tears were still falling from my eyes, but i had regained my ability to function on a basic level, or at least to form words. "_doctor jamison said... he s-said that she needs a bone marrow transplant. but because of her blood type, the likelihood of her getting it in time..._" i'd tried to keep it in, but i started sobbing again and in response, cosima's hold on me tightened and she rubbed at my back soothingly. "_he said sh-she... won't m-make it til christmas._" my words were barely audible as i choked them out, but cosima understood. she held me so tight, so close, and i never wanted her to let go. we sat in silence for close to twenty minutes, my tears dampening her shoulder and her hand splaying soothingly over my spine. i straightened up slightly and when i looked down at her, i could tell that she was thinking, that there was something she wanted to say but hadn't quite figured out how.

"i... delphine, you know... i could always have the test done to see if i-" instantly, i put my hand up.

"no, cosima, i couldn't ask you to do that." i shouldn't have been so quick to throw up those walls, especially with sera's life hanging in the balance, but something in me knew i had to put my foot down. hell, if _i _wasn't a match, and i was her mother, why would cosima be? maybe there was this part of me, buried deep down, though, that was afraid she would be, that she have the ability to save my child when i, as her mother, could not.

"you're not asking me, i'm-" again, i cut her off. in hindsight, i know now i was being completely and irrationally selfish, but at the time, i felt helpless.

"i said _no_." i was on my feet and her posture stiffened, her eyes going wide. that last word had a touch more acidity to it than i had intended and i knew it had caught the both of us off guard. she was looking at me like i had three heads. perhaps it was because she knew that i was being ludicrous when i had my head so far up my own ass that i couldn't see it. she, too, stood to her full height and met my gaze, though we weren't eye to eye.

"think about what you're saying, delphine. this could-"

"**cosima.**" my voice boomed off the windows of the courtyard, echoing. "we're _not_ discussing this any further." i brushed by her and went straight for the door, making a beeline back for sera's room.

cosima had returned a short while after i did, but we did not speak. i could barely look at her. i had _never_ yelled at her like that before, and it made me sick to my stomach. even as kira and sarah said their goodbyes and sera requested that i snuggle with her in her bed, i could still feel it, knotting away. i had been so horrible to her when she hadn't deserved it. all she wanted was to help, to somehow make things better, and i wouldn't even afford her the opportunity. when sera and i had both fallen asleep a few hours later, cosima had taken the opportunity to- well, i had assumed that she'd gone home to shower and get a fresh change of clothes. when she did not return by midnight, i had considered calling her, but that meant i would have to apologize and to apologize would mean that i'd have to admit that i was wrong and there was a piece of me that still believed that i could be the one to save sera. oh, how naive i was. maybe we just needed time apart.

the next morning, sarah and kira had arrived a little after eleven and i had still not heard from cosima. was this really how it was going to be? was she _that_ upset with me? i had never meant for things to come apart at the seams in such a way, but i knew that i, too, was starting to unravel and it was affecting the people i cared about, namely cosima. sarah had gone down to the cafeteria to see if she could scrounge up some decent tea (another trait she shared with her sister) when doctor jamison appeared through the doorway, a large smile on his face. i straightened up in my chair, looking up at him expectantly.

"since we've got our match, we're going to go ahead and schedule the transplant for tomorrow evening." he was looking at me as though i knew something i should have, but did not. my mouth hung open slightly, my eyes wild.

"you found a match?!" i asked him, completely oblivious. his face fell slightly and he looked a bit perplexed, like he was missing something.

"she didn't tell you?"

"she?" the moment the word left my lips, my face fell into a dawning of realization and i knew it was a stupid question. of _course_ i knew who he was referring to. sarah had appeared in the doorway moments before, but came through as i'd spoken.

"don't look at me," she offered as she slid back into her seat, handing me a warm coffee cup. i gave him a nod and he offered a warm smile in return. he talked to sera for a few moments, asking her a couple of questions and even including kira in his inquiries, and bid the two of them a good night before offering me a wave, too. i glanced at sarah, raising a brow. "oi, i didn't know. i swear." she took a drink from her cup and smiled at me. the way her lip tugged down on the left side, it was so different from cosima's chipper grin, but it made me smile nonetheless. "listen, if y'want, if it's okay with big chief over there, we can stay here for the night. you two haven't slept in your own bed in how long? plus, i know you want to talk to her."

my face split in a grin and i shook my head slightly, breathing a gentle laugh. "am i that obvious?" she pursed her lips and shrugged her shoulders, making me laugh more. i thanked her and got to my feet, moving to sit on the edge of the bed next to sera, who was putting a few small flowers in kira's hair. i reached up and lightly touched her cheek, smiling down warmly at her. "papillon, would you be okay if kira and aunt sarah stayed with you for the night?" she looked up at me, those brilliant green eyes wrinkling at the corners with her smile.

"as long as you take a shower," she mused at me, pinching her nose before she fell prey to a fit of giggles. i carefully and gingerly poked her sides, leaning down to steal a brief kiss on her cheek before i stood, bidding the three of them a goodnight, thanking sarah once more for being an impromptu babysitter.

when i made my way through the door at home, the house was quiet and i closed my eyes, listening hard. faintly, i could hear the pipes creaking and groaning as cosima showered upstairs. i kicked off my shoes and made my way upstairs, shedding my clothes as i went. yes, she was probably still upset with me, but i had a feeling that i could find a way to make it up to her. by the time i got to the bathroom door, i pushed it open and pushed my underwear over my hips, stepping out of them as i crossed the bathroom and tugged on the handle of the glass door. startled, cosima jumped and turned to me, her expression going lax when she realized who it was. the corners of her lips even tugged up the slightest bit in a smile and my heart skipped a beat. "_i'm sorry._" i murmured softly, reaching up to brush my knuckles over her cheek. she stood on her toes and placed her lips neatly to mine, wrapping an arm around the small of my back as she did so. she stepped back and pulled me under the flow of the warm water, which caused me to close my eyes, reveling in not only the warmth of the water, but the warmth of her bare body pressed to mine. we kissed, occasionally breathing a laugh or two about the water pouring over our heads, but it didn't seem to matter. nothing seemed to matter, really. i parted our lips, but did not move an inch, otherwise. "_how did you do it so quickly?_" i asked her, opening my eyes to take her in at such a close proximity.

she offered me a soft chuckle in return, nuzzling our noses together. "_i'm already a registered donor." _she informed me, stealing another chaste but sweet kiss. "_and i'm an O negative. universal donor. that's how i knew..._" i do not doubt that she would keep talking, but i reached up and took hold of her face, kissing her so deeply that initially, even i had not known what i was going for. i was so overwhelmed by every piece and part of who she was, and how she was so incredibly selfless and loving. i knew that i had more than met the woman of my dreams, the woman that would complete me in every way possible. she was so much more extraordinary than she ever thought to give herself credit for. i clutched at her desperately, holding her so close as i kissed her, knowing that without her, without cosima, i would be less of a woman than i already was. she filled in the weaker parts of me, braced them will her pillars of strength. she completed me, essentially and so wholly.

i stepped into her, pressing her back to the cool marble wall, taking a page from her book as i placed my knee between the two of hers, the weight of her body resting on my thigh. my fingertips dragged tauntingly over her wet skin, the palm of my hand encompassing one of her breasts. my lips parted to reveal teeth, the ones that latched onto cosima's lower lip, tugging on it gently, and she whimpered somewhere low in her throat. i slid my knee up, just barely, on the marble, and she moaned, pressing her fingertips into my back. our lips crushed together more heatedly, and my hand wandered over her physique, shaping to fit each and every muscle it crossed. it graced her hip, tracing delicately over her thigh and danced inward, causing her to cry out in approval. our labored breathing almost drowned out the sound of the showerhead, but not quite. there was something so sweet and so satisfying about getting to have her so close after so many weeks spent cramped up in hospital chairs, so many nights away from home. the way she grabbed at me and moaned my name, it gave me this insane sense of pride and at the same time, filled me from head to toe with butterflies. the way her body shook at my touch and the cries that sounded from the back of her throat made me want to bathe her in kisses and shower her with my love forever. yes, life had been hard on us and i had most assuredly been hard on _her_, but we still had each other and i was beginning to realize that it was all i'd ever really needed.

we finished showering and dried off, spending the rest of the evening tangled in bed, just talking about the things that were going to happen, about how we were going to live our lives when we could finally bring sera home from the hospital. even despite the fact that i had, on several occasions, lost hope, cosima never did, not once. she always spoke like she knew sera would go into remission sooner or later, like she knew that things would be okay.

the next night, after sera's procedure, i had gone to the cafeteria for coffee and returned to find cosima in the hospital bed next to sera, holding my daughter gently to her side as the two of them slept. i crossed the room and posted myself up in the chair i'd hardly left in months, and watched them as i drank my coffee, a sweet smile on my lips. yes, there was perhaps no certainty that things were going to be okay, that they would work out, but i had faith in the fact that if there was anything that could save the day, or save my daughter, it was going to be the positive force that cosima carried around with her on a day to day basis. everything she was, everything she would be, i knew that i wanted to be by her side for all of it.


	16. Chapter 16

if i were being completely honest, i'd never truly known what it really meant to 'live out of a suitcase,' so to speak. at least, not until sera was admitted into the hospital. cosima and i would take turns packing bags each time one of us headed home to shower and very rarely were we ever home together. there were some nights when sarah and kira would stay with seraphina, but for the most part, neither myself nor cosima could stand to be away from sera for more than a couple of hours at a time. at the same time, basically living in a hospital room was taxing on everyone involved. sera would cry to go home some nights and ask for her bed, saying she just wanted to see darwin and watch movies in her bed. it was hard, holding her as she cried into my side over things none of us could change. i wanted to give her everything she was asking for, to make those tears cease, to just make her [i]happy.[/i] she was brave, far braver than i thought her capable of at her age, but if there was anything she'd come to teach me over time, it was that age held no barring when it came to the determination of a hero. she didn't see it now, because she was still so young, but each day she woke up and somehow managed a smile, she was _my_ hero.

despite the fact that she was, and had always been, my number one, there was another hero on her heels; cosima, of course. the night of sera's procedure, i had perched on the couch by the window with a warm cup of tea in my hands, just watching the two of them as they slept. there were so many things that cycled through my head, that made me realize how far i had come in just a matter of years. i had not only grown as a person, as a woman, but i had gotten the opportunity to watch my little girl start on the same path, growing on her own accord. every parent claimed that their child was smart, sure, but sera was gifted. i think, perhaps, even to a point where she understood more than we ever had to tell her. it was in the way she looked at me, or look at cosima on the days when she could hardly sit up in bed, much less doing anything else. it was in the way she held so tightly onto us when we would hold her or hug her. she was scared, so very scared, but she did everything she could to not let us see it. it was a trait she most certainly derived from me, but some part of that idea hurt me, given just how young she was. mine had come from years of trying to make other people happy, trying to please everyone, but her? she was so small, still had so much to learn, so many things to see and do and yet, she was already trying so hard just to make sure everyone else was alright, even though she herself was the farthest thing from.

i'd been sitting there, folded up with my head cocked to the side in adoration as i watched the two of them, for what must have been close to an hour. i, most likely, would have continued to do so, genuinely enraptured in thought, if it had not been for cara, seraphina's nurse, who came in to check sera's vitals. her greeting was quiet, but it had still startled me back into reality. i snapped to attention, though she smiled and waved a hand, dismissing me. "mm, what time is it?" i asked her softly, rubbing my eyes.

"twelve thirty. i don't have to wake her up, just make sure she's doing okay." her tone was almost apologetic; she hated the checks that required creating a sleepy child who could then turn grumpy and cooperative, but i think she mostly disliked them because she hated seeing sera anymore annoyed or upset than she already was. the thing of it was, the team of nurses on our floor… in an odd way, they had become family. they were always around, always there to talk to if either cosima or myself needed someone to lend an ear. there was another nurse in particular, named marco, that almost acted like sera's older brother, if that had ever been possible. he'd often let sera tell him vivid stories she came up with, interjecting only to improve the plotline she'd constructed, which often made her laugh and that sound had, anymore, become audible gold. he once even let her put his hair into small ponytails so that he looked "absolutely beautiful." he was a good guy and had even come by the hospital one night with his boyfriend, who had baked cupcakes for all of the kids on the floor. it was amazing to me, how these people somehow managed to be so… _incredible, _how they brought this sense of home into a place that was so far from. yes, being confined to the hospital was hard, especially on sera, but they made it their job, even if it wasn't already, to make it bearable.

cara stopped at the foot of the bed and didn't even hesitate before her lips spread into a smile as she looked up to see sera curled up, so small and fragile, next to cosima, whose tan skin made sera look ghostly white in comparison. "they've been like that for hours. i don't have the heart to wake either of them" i admitted with a small smile, following her gaze to watch them. there was such a contrast in the way cosima's chest would rise and fall slowly, steadily, as it did in a way that only happened when she was fast asleep, and sera's did so at a pace twice as fast, though i was positive that she, too, was in a deep sleep.

cara went about her work, but when she was finished, she came over and placed herself next to me. this was not unusual; over the last half year, she was just as much an important figure in my life as sarah was. i slouched slightly and let my head rest on her shoulder. "i'm sorry i didn't tell you, but she asked me not to." i glanced up at her and smiled; of course she knew. cosima would have had to tell _someone_, especially if it hadn't been sarah. "she just… knew that you'd be upset. because obviously, it's your daughter and she knew that you felt like you should have been the one to do something. we've all been there, haven't we?" she offered a soft chuckle; cara's son jamison had been born with a hole in his heart and had needed a transplant before his first birthday. i could still remember the first time she had told me about him, and about how hard it had been for her to accept that not only was it not her fault, but there was nothing that she could do to fix it. she empathized with me in a way few people could, and she also gave me hope in a way few people could, when a nine year old jamison came by with books and puzzles to share with sera.

"i'm not mad at you. or her. everything happens for a reason, i _do_ believe that. and i should have known… no matter what i said or did, cosima was still going to do what she knew was best." i paused, stealing another glance at them in the hospital bed. "she's stubborn, but that is why i love her." a soft beeping came from her pocket and she gave my knee a light pat.

"gotta go do my job, as much as i would love to stick around." i gave her a nod and smiled warmly as she got to her feet. she offered to bring me coffee when she came back a couple hours later and i assured her that i would, hopefully, be fast asleep by then.

the following days were trying, to say the least. despite the success of the procedure, the chemo was still having its way with sera's small body. she was constantly getting sick and would only drink water and apple juice while refusing to eat anything simply because she was all too aware that it was just going to make her sick. because of how weak it made her and how miserable, she was especially clingy in that whoever was brave enough to climb into bed with her immediately magnetized her to their side, whether it was myself, cosima, or even kira. i knew that, psychologically, it was just the ache for physical comfort, contact. it was said that sometimes, human touch could dull pain, slow heartrates, and create warmth and i believe that for her, it did all of those things.

by the end of the week, she had started to regain color in her cheeks. she laughed more, smiled more, and had a brightness in her tone that i had missed dearly. cosima had been in and out of the room a bit more than normal, but just insisted that she was making plans to redo sera's room for when she was cleared to return home. i told her that it was silly, that she didn't need to do something like that, but she gave me her typical response that she knew she didn't _have_ to, but that she wanted to and i always rolled my eyes. she was too good to be true, sometimes, i swore by it. what i did not realize was just how on point i was with that train of train of thought.

saturday rolled on with a visit from the mannings, which sera was so much more receptive to than the last time they had been by. even more than that, the five of us even managed to go for a short walk around the floor and out into the courtyard; it was unseasonably warm for the time of year, especially considering that christmas was creeping up on us, but just seeing my little girl out in the fresh air for the first time in months, it was enough to cause my heart to nearly burst in my chest. after so many bad, long days, it appeared that we could finally have one quite the opposite. the length and tasks of the day had thoroughly worn her out and after dinner, she had only been one movie away from falling asleep, and 'anastasia' had done the job almost immediately. a little over an hour later, cara had appeared and although she said hello and waved, it seemed to me as though she and cosima shared in a conversation that i, apparently, could not hear. the giveaway had been the smile that pulled apart cosima's lips, revealing that bright, sweet toothy grin i had become accustomed to. cara gave a nod and cosima suddenly hopped to her feet, holding her hand out for me to take, obviously indicating that i needed to come with her.

she pulled me down the hallway and assured me that sera would be fine; the likelihood that she would wake up after such a busy day was practically nonexistent, although part of me wanted to argue, to insist that i needed to be there if she did happen to wake up. something about cosima's giddy demeanor that had peaked my curiosity, something in the way she hadn't wiped that goofy grin off of her face since the moment cara had stepped into the room. we turned the corner and as she pushed the button for the elevator, she toyed lightly, innocently with my fingers. i found myself glancing down at her out of the corner of my eye, watching her as she focused so intently on our hands, our fingers linked together, her smile growing smaller but somehow brighter. she was so charmingly, disarmingly adorable that it turned my heart to mush. i was so soft over her, so soft over the fact that she was mine, all mine, and would be for as long as we lived. i brushed my thumb lightly over the backs of her knuckles, leaning down to place a light kiss on her temple. "what are you up to, ms. niehaus?" i posed, gingerly nudging my elbow into her side.

she grinned up at me, her glasses slipping down her nose in a way that made my stomach flip. "we're just going for a walk," she answered back, attempting to throw me, but i knew better than that. i knew _her_ better than that. i rolled my eyes at her, breathing a soft laugh. i should have known that if she had something up her sleeve, i was never going to know it until she was ready for me to know it. as we got into the elevator, she kept my back turned toward the doors as she moved forward to press the button signaling which floor we were heading to, but as i turned to steal a glance and foil her surprise, she took hold of my face a bit firmly and rocked forward onto her toes, standing as tall as she could manage as she gave me a firm but benevolent kiss, sinking her teeth into my full bottom lip, tugging on it tauntingly. we both knew that i was wrapped around her finger, that i would have walked to the edge of the world with her, if she so asked.

"_braaaaat._" i breathed against her lips, her breath hot on my own as she giggled in response, the fluttering in my stomach at the sound nearly causing my knees to buckle. the elevator jerked to a stop and we were both laughing as we stumbled into one another, me clutching her around the waist, her hands gripping the sleeves of my sweater. she took my hand again as we slipped out of the elevator and made our way to a locked door, one that needed a keycard to unlock. "we can't go through!" i informed her, as if she did not already know. she simply rolled her eyes, her lips curling upward in an all-too-familiar mischievous grin. she pulled something out of her pocket and slipped it into the lock, causing the light to swap out from red to green, signaling that it had come unlocked. she pulled it open and tugged me through to a flight of stairs and i raised my brow curiously. "up?" i questioned and she nodded her head, squeezing my hand as she started in on the stairs, pulling me along behind her. when we reached the top, she pulled out the same lanyard that the keycard had been clipped onto and pulled up a key, sticking it in the lock and granting us passage.

as we made our way onto the roof, i don't know what i was expecting, but it definitely had not been what i saw. although i could not count them immediately, i could tell that there were roughly twenty to twenty five candles arranged around a couple of blankets, a small basket, two crystal wine glasses that i recognized from our kitchen, more specifically, from when she had moved in, and a bottle of semillon. instantly, my eyes glassed over and i was so overwhelmed with emotion for her that i could hardly get my head around it. the way the flames of the candles danced, casting light on the ledges that rimmed the edge of the building. my breath hitched in my chest and instantly, i raised a hand to press my fingers lightly to my lips, my other still clutched gently in hers. "cosima… i… i don't know what to say."

she tugged me toward her, wrapping her arms around me as she tilted her chin up to look me in the eye, a hand raising to caress my cheek with the backs of her knuckles. "you don't have to say anything," she started, the left corner of her lips twitching up just barely, "except that you'll go on a date with me." my palms landed on either side of her face, cradling both sides of her jaw as my eyes searched hers in the combined light of the moon and the candles, noticing that they held a particular twinkle in them that i had not seen in some time.

"how could i ever tell you no?" i posed in a quiet murmur, running the pads of my thumbs over the apples of her cheeks, leaning forward to press my lips lightly to hers and when i pulled away, the smile that replaced my lips on hers was enough to suck the breath right out of my lungs. how could she manage to be so many complex things all at once and yet, be so simplistically beautiful that i could barely think straight, barely align any properly constructed string of words or thoughts. she pulled me over to the blankets and we both sat; she leaned on her hip, her legs curled up beneath her and my own posture slacked as i leaned into her, my head tilting back just slightly to rest on her shoulder as she slid the wine glass into my hand.

we sat like that for hours, just talking and laugh, so oddly reminiscent of our earlier days. it was ironic, really, how we could be so similar to who we once were and yet, so vastly different. we eventually moved so that she could lean against one of the nearby concrete lips, wrapping her arm around me to hold me close. "you know," she started, a thoughtful note to her voice, "i… i never really thought i'd be the type to have kids. i mean, with school and work and everything else…"

i couldn't help but laugh; the idea that she could have ever lived a life that didn't involve a small, smiling face of joy struck me as strange. "but you're so good with them," i rebuked, glancing at her with a small smile.

"that's very true," she agreed, taking a sip from her glass. she seemed to pause in thought, like there were all of these words crackling at the tip of her tongue, waiting to be set free, but she couldn't quite figure out the right way to liberate them.

"neither did i," i blurted suddenly and immediately, i pulled my lower lip between my teeth, chewing on it, suddenly nervous. "what i mean is… that before i found out i was pregnant with seraphina… i never gave much thought to having children. but then suddenly, there's this—" as i kept speaking, cosima's voice entwined with mine, and we were speaking in unison.

"incredible little girl who captures your heart and soul. life—" we both paused, making eye contact as our smile mirrored each other, before we both continued. "is never the same again." my skin sheeted in goosebumps almost instantly and i was so taken aback by the connection we had established that i could hardly remember what it was to breathe, to need a reminder to participate in an act that should have been as natural as the sun rising and falling in the sky. i set my wine glass down and reached across my body and hers to press my fingertips to the side of her face, turning her head toward me so that i could kiss her. i had considered pulling away after a moment, but as i tried to, she held me closer to her, kissing me deeper, taking my breath away like she was so prone to doing. my heart steadily raced in my chest, creating the beat to which our tongues danced, her fingers tangling in my short, soft blonde hair.

i pulled away moments later, my lungs desperate for the oxygen i was taking in, and looked down at her adoringly. "i love you, you know?" i told her in a quiet murmur, my own hand moving to run lightly through her short brunette curls. "you… you're everything i… we've needed, to a t."

cosima's eyes jerked up to meet mind and for a moment, there was a crease in her brow, one that told me that her mind was buzzing, that she was thinking. "t. t…" she muttered, biting her lip in thought. "that's it!" i was suddenly confused; what was going on inside that brain of hers? desperately and abruptly, she grabbed hold of my wrist, her expression brighter than the sun itself.

"delphine, i know what to do. i know what might save sera's life."


	17. Chapter 17

**a/n:** hi yay this didn't take as long. you guys are all seriously awesome for all of your kind words and feedback and i just want you to know that it means the world to me. BUT ALAS, enjoy!

—-

as i stared at her, confusion began to scribble itself across my face. i was trying to pull myself up to her level of thinking, and it was truly ironic that i couldn't. i sat up and she moved to sit on her knees, scooping up my hand in both of hers. as i looked into those warm, opaquely beautiful, honey almond eyes, i was taken aback by the resolve and hope i saw there. there was a firm optimism radiating off of her in waves, i could _feel_ it, i _needed_ to feel it. her lips curled up in this grin; it was half out of the pride i could already sense she had of reaching the conclusion, but the other half of it came from the relief she knew it would offer me. "t cells." i blinked at her.

"_merde,_" i muttered back, mentally kicking myself. i was an immunologist for crying out loud and yet, it had never even briefly crossed my mind. how was it that something so absurd was even possible? my free hand pressed to my forehead and i let my eyes close for just a moment. cosima let go of my hand, causing me to instantly re-open them and glance over at her, but she was still wearing that ridiculous grin and she had her hands up, poised to speak.

"they take her t cells, reproduce them, and…" she did not need to tell me; i knew how it worked. i'd studied it inside and out, knew it frontward and backward and yet, i had never even considered applying it to my situation. perhaps it was because my head was too clouded with the grief; it had even been an idea when we had been informed of michel's diagnosis, but it had been far too late for it to have enough time to work.

"are genetically modified to reproduce and attack when in the presence of the leukemia cells," i finished, a bright smile slowly tugging at the corners of my lips as i realized what this meant. i'd had every bit of knowledge within me to have reached such a conclusion, but i never could have done it without cosima, without that little nudge she had to offer.

"in nineteen, _nineteen_," she repeated for emphasis, her fingertips spread evenly apart as they darted around in the air, "out of twenty two children who have undergone the t cell cloning procedure have gone into complete remission within six months." my heart leapt into my throat at her words. of all that i had studied, that was not a statistic that i could so readily recall like she was able to and the way it danced off her lips, it made my head swim and the breath in my lungs catch. as a scientist, i knew to account for the other three out of the twenty two, but i had hope that sera stood a fighting chance. obviously, the marrow transplant had helped exponentially, but it was, by no means, a cure. with this, though? it was looking more and more appealing by the moment. cosima's hands suddenly jerked forward from where they had been hanging, mid-air, and gingerly took hold of my face, cupping my cheeks carefully in her palms. "you know what this means," she told me softly, and i nodded my head, my eyes wet with a promise of tears, but i turned my head to kiss her palm, squeezing my eyes shut to keep them at bay as i did so.

"it means that you're not only a genius, but you're an angel too." i looked back across the space at her, a lump lodged in my throat. "i… i can't believe it didn't even cross my mind." i raised a hand to touch her cheek, leaning forward to take a brief kiss, stealing it sweetly off of her lips. there was part of me that was angry, but not at cosima. no, instead, i was angry with myself. how had a bypassed something so important? how had i let my feelings get in the way? my heart had gotten far too ahead of my mind and it had shadowed my better judgement. cosima had been there, though, reaffirming any and all beliefs i may have had that she was, quite literally, my other half. not only did she fill in those missing pieces of me, but when i faltered, she was there to catch me and set me back on the right path, the one i needed to be on.

in the dimming light of the candles, i could sense cosima's cheeks growing flushed better than i could actually _see_ them, but it warmed my heart nonetheless. she was so humble, so infinitely selfless that i sometimes considered it beyond my grasp of understanding. i felt so blessed to have her in my life, to know that even when my days seemed dark and sera could not be around to light my way, she was there, _always _there, and it caused this foreign feeling in my chest; it was a trust i had never experienced before. even when i was at my worst, cosima was always there to hold my hand and guide me through it. it seemed surreal, like perhaps i was going to wake up from this complex, deep dream and realize that she was nothing more than a figment of my imagination. my grandfather always told me that if something _seemed_ too good to be true, it probably was. it seemed so silly, such a cliche and insignificant phrase that was repeated all too many times, but it had been something that had stuck with me, an integral part of the way i thought. it was pessimism, really, but i was being forced to realize that maybe it wasn't always true.

as the corners of my lips tugged upward just barely, i tilted my head to the right in direction. "_venir ici,_" i instructed softly, and she complied, moving to sit between my legs, leaning against me to press her back to my front. my head lulled to the side, resting against hers and i couldn't help myself as a soft laugh fell from my lips, touching her ear in a tickle. she attempted to shrug my away with a quiet giggle, but instead, i nuzzled my face into her neck, placing a light kiss just beneath her ear. i knew that neither of us were in a hurry to immediately attempt to share our realization; it was late, it could wait until the morning. it was a reasonable notion, and part of me wanted to stay in that moment with cosima forever. i was so blown away by her, by the way her mind worked and how she was somehow everything i had ever needed. i turned my head toward hers and smiled as a few stray curls tickled my nose. "_je t'aime_," i whispered, my lips just barely there as they graced her ear. i had been completely unaware of her movements until suddenly, the tips of her fingers pressed so delicately into my cheek. she turned her head toward me, holding my face still as she caught my lips by storm with her own, knots forming over knots as i was pervaded with a sense of butterflies so strong that it took my breath away.

as she pulled away, she flattened her palm against my cheek and i leaned into her touch, running the tip of my tongue along my bottom lip, yearning for the taste of her lips again. i waited, though, because i could see a sense of inquiry brewing in her eyes. "i've been… thinking," she started, to which my face broke out into a grin.

"oh no, don't hurt yourself," i teased, wrinkling my nose in faux worry. she rolled her eyes and playfully nipped at the edge of my bottom lip in retaliation, causing me to giggle.

"i'm serious," she returned with a slight pause. i reached up to take hold of her hand, lacing our fingers together as i smoothed out my expression, attempting to be earnest. i gave a slight nod, though i was having trouble hiding my smile as she continued. "i've been thinking about you… and us and… this," she held up her hand, gingerly brushing the engagement ring on her finger with her thumb. i should have been nervous, should have thought that she was having second thoughts, but i could read her entirely too well to think that was the case. "and i… god, delphine." she breathed a soft laugh, glancing down slightly before she looked back up at me. "i was okay before i met you. i mean… i got by. i kept busy with school and work because… that's where i was happiest. but then… there you were, and the more i talked to you, the more i got to know you… the happier i was when you were around. when i kissed you that night… and you left, and i didn't see you the next day, i was afraid i'd really screwed up. i didn't want to lose you as a friend, and the prospect that i'd pushed you away scared me." her expression went lax and her smile was so adorably warm. "_you_ scare me." she laughed, stealing a chaste kiss. "but in such an amazing way. but in those moments, those ones where i look at you and feel like you're at home, on the inside of my head, i know that i've never felt like this before, and that i will never be able to feel like this again."

i could feel my hands as they started to tremble at her words, tears stinging at the backs of my eyes. everything she was saying, it was overtaking me entirely, completely. she was so incredibly amazing, so phenomenal that my heart could in no way measure up. she leaned over and pulled something from her bag, something i soon realized was a fine-tip marker. she picked up my left hand and set to work as she resumed speaking. i giggled at the feel of the marker on my skin, letting my chin rest on her shoulder. "there are a lot of times when i… i know that you feel the same way, too. so i suppose…" she turned my hand palm-up and resumed her work, though i couldn't quite see what she was doing, "that since we'd never be able to mange 'traditional,' when it comes to our bands… maybe we could go a more… everlasting route." she lifted up my hand so that i could see what she had been working on. there was an intricate weaving of lines that wrapped around my ring finger and the harder i studied it, the sooner i realized what, exactly it was.

"double infinity?" i quizzed with the smallest of smiles as i craned my neck over her shoulder to get a better glimpse of her face. she looked over at me and was practically beaming.

"a journey that never ends," her words were warm and sincere, and it seemed as though just when i thought i couldn't possibly fall harder for her, i did.

"tattooed wedding bands." i needed to say it, to hear it, to know that she was asking me for permanence and i was astonishingly at the ready to give it to her. she nodded and i grinned, touching her jaw as i stole a brief, loving kiss. "i would be honored." only her, really. only would cosima would come up with something so inventive, something that truly would be a physical representation of what we felt for each other. rings could be taken off, they could be lost, but what we had? it was permanent, it was ever-present. in those moments, i wanted nothing more than to be lost forever, to be lost in her, in those perfectly beautiful eyes. her love swallowed me whole, enveloped me so fully that it was deluging to me.

"i love you, delphine." her voice was so mildly sweet in the night air that it caused goosebumps to cover my arms. i brought a hand up to tangle in her curls, pulling her toward me so that i could take another kiss from her.

"i know you do, and i love you too."

—

somehow, with even a semblance of hope, the weeks seemed to melt away. the doctors were more than receptive to our proposal, and had worked on finding the specialists that were the best at what they did. they'd run all the tests, checked and double checked the results and confirmed that she was fit for the procedure, bringing a joyous flow of tears to my eyes before i could even consider getting a handle on it. they'd started just a few days before her last round of chemo and it was safe to say that we'd all started to cling to a sense of optimism.

although we celebrated the holidays in the hospital, we'd still managed to make the most of it. sarah and kira had spent the night over christmas eve into christmas morning and the girls had fallen asleep in the early hours of the morning, too exhausted from their christmas movie marathon to hold their eyes open. cosima and i made quick work of hauling in the things we had gotten for them while sarah kept watch. as we arranged the gifts beneath the tree, there was a hushed happiness that fell around the three of us; we were blanketed with this strange sense of family. even by that point, i had considered sarah and kira to be family. in fact, i attributed a lot of sera's positive attitude to kira and her consistent friendship. it was truly an awe-inspiring thing to see the bond they had, the way kira was so strong for seraphina when she needed it most.

a few weeks had passed and i was starting to grow weary again, slowly. although it was nowhere near as bad as before, sera seemed to grow fatigued more easily and her lack of appetite had returned, but the nurses had assured me not to worry, that it wasn't completely unlikely. i'd awoken early that morning and headed home to shower and get a fresh change of clothes. despite the fact that i hated not being around for fear of what could happen in my absence, there was also something so infinitely promising about the idea of a hot shower. it washed away every bit of my doubt, every bit of my nerves. it was like stepping beneath the flow of water made me so liberated, freed me from the constraints of my own mind. it was like a breath of fresh air, so to speak, and gave me an entirely new life.

i stopped for lattes on my way back to the hospital and was prepared to return with a fresh-faced, happy outlook on the day, but when i stepped into seraphina's room, i had not been expecting what i saw. her bed was empty and made, all of her things were in a small stack by the window, and cosima sat on the edge of her chair, her back to me, but i could tell that her fingertips were pressed to her lips by the way she sat with her elbows resting on her knees. in that moment, it was like a tidal wave of horror crashed into me, knocking the wind out of me. i had not been gone but a couple of hours. what had happened? where was my daughter? why hadn't anyone called me?! my heart rate spiked as my heart hammered in my chest and i could feel the strength drain out of my muscles, causing my knees to buckle. the warm paper cups slipped from my hands, hurtling toward the ground in slow motion before they came to a sudden stop, the black lids popping off as the liquid sloshed across the floor.

cosima had turned her head to find the source of the commotion, but as she did so, i realized that she was grinning. as she registered that it was me, she was instantly on her feet and headed straight for me, side-stepping the coffee mess on the floor. though i had been striving to keep it together, the conclusions i had jumped to had created a swell of tears to cascade down my cheeks. "_where's seraphina? where's my daughter?_" i asked her, my voice cracking desperately over my words. she cupped my cheeks in her hands and instantly attempted to brush away my tears, laughing softly at me.

"hey, hey, no tears, no tears. she's downstairs in the cafeteria with sarah and kira eating some jello before we blow out of here." my heart stopped at her words, but in an entirely different manner than it had just moments before. before, it was out of fear, out of terror. this time, it was out of shock.

"we're _leaving?! _she's _released?!_" the hope in my tone was tangible, it was so prevalent and dominant in a way that i had not known in a long, long time. she nodded and i rushed forward, wrapping her up tightly in my arms as i hugged her close to my chest.

"she's not in remission yet," she informed me as she pulled back to look up into my eyes, the smile still loosely hanging on her lips. "but she's well on her way, and she's healthy enough to go home. no more white walls and late nights spent on that stiff couch."

i was still holding her closely, watching her with the brightest smile i'd ever been able to manage. "we get to go home," i breathed in relief, feeling close to the verge of tears again, but this time from nothing other than sheer joy. cosima nodded her head, her curls bouncing in a way that made my heart flutter in my chest.

"we get to go home."


	18. Chapter 18

**a/n:** HI MERRY BELATED CHRISTMAS. enjoy some m rated cophine smluff. ha. i'm thinking there will be a part 19, and then the epilogue, so this is slowly drawing to an end, just as a forewarning. thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for all of your kind words and amazing feedback. it means so very much to me. enjoy!

—-

"maman, will you braid my hair?" those tiny little eyelids, bare of lashes, fluttered at me as sera held up the brunette wig that fit so perfectly atop her head. my eyes wrinkled at the corners as i smiled down at her, biting the inside of my lip to keep from getting overly emotional. i gave a slight nod and she happily moved to sit at my feet, snugly pulling it onto her head. she was only an hour away from being picked up by sarah, who was taking kira to the movies and invited sera along, as well. she pulled out a small basket that held a variety of freshly picked flowers, ones that i assumed she wanted me to braid into her hair.

"did momma pick these for you?" i posed softly, marveling the array of colors in the basket. she nodded her head and although i didn't have a clear view of her face, i knew that she was smiling. i sang to her as i worked, and in turn, she took the time to paint my toe nails to repay the favor. it was sweet, really, how i would have braided her hair until the sunset, singing mindless melodies procured through my youth and still, she wanted to give me something in return. it was one of those moments where i knew that i had raised her right, along with the help of her father and cosima, one of those moments that squeezed at my heart, warmth emanating throughout my chest.

just as i slipped the last twist of the hair tie over the end of the second braid, there was a knock at the door and instantly, sera was on her feet, stopping only briefly to check her reflection in the mirror, smiling widely at the feat i had accomplished. i had only recently broken her of the habit of calling them 'fishy braids,' managing to coax her into calling them 'fishtail braids.' it was one of those heart-warmingly adorable things, like how she called 'fruit cocktail' nothing but 'fruit cottontail,' until she was four. she was getting out of that phase, growing into a bigger, more extensive vocabulary. each time she used a bigger word, something a little more expansive, i could see the pride light up in cosima's eyes, just as i knew she could see the same thing in my own.

part of me knew that we were perhaps showering her with too much attention, that we were smothering her with it, but i couldn't help myself. she was my brave little warrior, my girl, my papillon. i had all of the faith in the world in her, backed her on every single war she had to fight. i was so impressed with the way she wore her armor, waging a battle that even grown men had lost before her. no one was immune, and that was what was terrifying. she had that spark in her, though, and i could often see it in her eyes. it flickered there every now and again, a faint reminder than she was nowhere near the point of giving up. she disappeared around the corner and not a moment later, i heard the door open as sera belted out a greeting to kira and her mother. after a brief pause, the two girls returned to the room, arm in arm with sarah shuffling in behind them. she offered a small wave and i returned one of my own with a small smile. sera was almost instantly between my knees, wrapping her arms around my neck. "au revoir, mère!" she told me gently, kissing my cheek. i grinned and kissed each of hers, hugging her tightly, though she squirmed in my grasp.

"je t'aime, papillon." she beamed up at me and leaned toward me, nuzzling her nose against mine, causing me to smile. "don't forget your bag," i reminded her; thankfully, sarah had been kind enough to offer a bit of a sleepover, as she had many times before sera had been in the hospital. it was the first time since she was released, but seraphina had won me over, convincing me to let her go despite the fact that it made me nervous to think that something might happen and i wouldn't be there. sarah had been around long enough, though, that she was more than capable of knowing what to do in an emergency situation, and it was why i relented so easily. i waved goodbye to the three of them, thanking sarah once more before she pulled the front door shut behind her, leaving me to slouch back into the couch, closing my eyes as i tapped into the silence around me.

it was a saturday afternoon, something i often referred to as 'the laziest day of the week,' even when sera _did_ stay home, the three of us mostly worked on puzzles or played charades. we made cinnamon rolls and cookies, cooked dinner together and attempted to make dessert, which almost always turned into some kind of food war with whipped cream in too many places to count. some part of me felt as though with as long as cosima was taking at the market, that she might have had something similar up her sleeve, only it was most likely a little less pg than it normally was. i chuckled to myself at the thought, briefly realizing that had my eyes been open, i probably would have rolled them. it wasn't so much that she was predictable as it was that i just had come to know her that well.

i'd had every intention of picking up a book and satiating my thirst for something to pass the time, but instead, i must have dozed off, because i awoke to cosima plopping down on the couch next to me, remote in hand. "well, good morning sunshine," she greeted, a sense of teasing hanging so sweetly to her words. "there's a pizza in the oven and i got a bottle of red out of the basement." i raised a brow and she tried to cover her smile with her wine glass, taking a long, drawn out sip, though i could hear her teeth nick the edge, ringing quietly in the air. she lowered her glass, her lips still curled up haughtily in a smirk. "yes, i made it myself," she responded to my unasked question. i laughed quietly and wiped the sleep from my eyes, wiggling into more of an upright position as i reached for the other glass cosima had poured for me.

"and you got a movie?" i posed with the slightest of smiles, eyeing her in my peripheral vision. she nodded proudly, sinking back into the soft cushions of the couch, scooting to sidle up next to me. she thought she was being sly, sneaky even, but i was immediately hyper-aware of the way her hand found a home on the top of my thigh, her fingertips resting on the inseam of the leggings i had on. i set my wine glass on the end table and leaned toward her, sliding down into the couch so i could rest my head on the curve of her shoulder. it was a habit of comfort, one that let me feel closer to her when we were doing something so menial. i think i knew, even before she hit the play button, that neither of us were going to make it farther than ten minutes into the movie, especially with the way her hand was subtly inching up my thigh, just a bit at a time.

i was having the most difficult time when it came to focusing and i was all too aware that cosima was getting a kick out of the fact that she was making me squirm, most likely with minimal effort. after a few more minutes of her silent teasing, i glanced up to look at her, attempting a bit of a menacing glare, but with the way she was smiling, i couldn't help but do the same. _damn you, woman,_ i mused to myself, almost in a sing-song tone. i squirmed in an attempt to sit up and turned to angle my body more toward cosima's. "not fair, you're talle—" i raised two fingers and pressed them firmly to her lips, quirking a brow as a familiar flame ignited in her eyes, causing my stomach to fill with the fluttering of butterfly's wings.

"_haven't you learned yet?_" i breathed at her, the tip of my nose only a centimeter away from hers. "_i don't play fair._" closing the gap between the two of us, i parted my fingers and gingerly pressed my tongue between them, gaining an immediate pass through her parted lips. i could feel as nearly every ounce of her posture went lax and i used her weakened state to my advantage, leaning into her so that her head rested on the arm of the couch, my weight against her body as our legs tangled together. a weak whimper chimed from low in her throat and her fingers had tangled in my shirt, gripping it tightly with the harder she kissed me. the burning deep in my lungs, the need for air caused me to part our lips, inhaling deeply through my nose as i buried my face in the crook of her neck, my hands moving to her sides. my fingers prodded lightly at her sides, my heart bracing for the soaring trip it was bound to take at the sound of her laughter. as she giggled and writhed beneath me, i almost saw her next move coming; she held onto me tightly and shifted her weight to the one side, causing us to roll off the couch and hit the ground with a 'thud.'

instantaneously, we burst into laughter, though i had some sort of inkling that it would be short-lived, and i was right. cosima's hands instantly found mine and she laced our fingers together, bringing them up to pin them to the floor above my head. her face hovered above mine and i was sure in a heartbeat that we were both aware that i was hers, completely and entirely hers, wrapped up in every last bit of her, from the sweet and sentimental side that was all too prevalent in every day life, to this side, the playfully sexy side of her that i could not help but love. before i could consider any other option, her mouth took mine my storm and i could feel the weight of her body shift into mine in all of the right places, _exactly_ the right places, eliciting a moan that i attempted and failed to withhold. the way her tongue so readily, so familiarly roamed the confines of my mouth caused my heart to race and the blood in my veins pumped at an exceptional pace. coherent thought felt like a distant memory and i could think of nothing but her, by the taste of her, the feel of her, the love of her i had welling up exponentially in my heart.

struggling against her hold, i raised my hips desperately for hers, that hunger surfacing in the pit of my stomach again. how was it that she could still make me want her, as if we were nothing but horny teenagers? how was it that i was insatiable when it came to her love, her attention, her affection? there could never be an outcome where i could have enough of her, especially after so many nights attempting to sleep on a stiff hospital couch. she had been patient, she had been brilliant, and she had been… well, cosima, and i felt as though it was the least i could do anymore, to show her just how much i loved her, too, and how thankful i was for every last bit of her time, her heart, and her body that she had so willingly given up. her hands loosened their grip on mine and i took the opportunity to push up on them, moving to an upright sitting position, one of my hands pressing flatly to her back as i pulled her close to me, my chin tilting upward so i could gain easier access to her lips, stealing a hungry kiss.

it was absurd, really, the way we struggled to move around, to get off the floor, all while never truly breaking our kiss. somehow, we managed it, though, and the moment we were steady on our feet, cosima seemed to waste not even a second of time. she grabbed the hem of my shirt and tugged it up, pulling it over my head before her arms snaked around my waist, her skin warm against my own as she jumped at the opportunity to kiss and suck at newly exposed flesh. my knees were weak and my pulse had skyrocketed, all remaining semblance of thought completely vacating my mind.

my fingers trekked methodically down her back, grabbing for the bottom of her shirt before reciprocating the favor, pulling her sweater over her head, giggling as it caught on her glasses before dropping them back down onto her nose. i raised a hand and gingerly removed them, setting them on the arm of the couch before i turned my full attention back to her. our lips collided as her fingertips raked down my torso and made quick work of sliding my leggings down to pool around my ankles, trailing kisses in the wake of her movements. she placed a barely-there kiss just below my bellybutton and hooked her fingers into the waist of the lace that wrapped snugly around my hips, tugging down until they gave way, falling around my ankles, too. i stepped out of both garments and cosima was quick to make her move, backing me into the dining room. she dictated my way, which i probably should not have trusted her to do as i backed into the corner of another end table, but we eventually made our way there.

there were these few instances where cosima seemed to strike a well-filled mine of confidence, where she was brazen and bold, so unafraid to take control even if i wasn't always so sure i wanted to give it up. the way she went about it, the way she wrapped me around her finger, it wore me down and i couldn't help myself. she let go of me just briefly as she used an arm to sweepingly knock most of whatever was on the dining room table onto the floor before she returned her main point of focus back to me. she stepped into me, easing me onto the table although i was not entirely sure where she was going. i trusted her, in some ridiculously strange way, and i would give her whatever it was she wanted, which was apparently to take charge that time around. she leaned into me as she placed herself between my legs, her hands on my knees as her lips delightfully meshed with mine, causing my breathing to catch unevenly in my throat; i could feel the front of her jean shorts pressing to my lower belly, causing me to groan in wanting, that steady thumping sounding in my ears. she tauntingly traced her way down my neck with the tip of her tongue, deliberately placing kisses on the points she had already deemed as weak spots, causing me to moan in desire. i was hers to shape and mould, hers to bend and break, but only in the best of ways. her teeth nipped at my skin as her mouth traveled to my hip. she placed a series of light kisses headed inward where my thigh met my pelvis.

both of cosima's hands gripped strongly at the underside of my thighs, pushing my legs up as her lips, her tongue reached the destination they had always been intending, causing me to cry out in ecstasy, my moans hanging heavy in the air. my fingers entangled in her soft brunette curls as my breathing hitched in irregular patterns from the pleasure that wrapped up my spine as hers began to work in tandem with the miracles of her tongue, causing my toes to curl and my muscles to clench. like so many times before, i tried to fight it, but the muscles in my thighs tensed and squeezed around cosima's head, my hips rocking to the side beyond my control. as my body stilled, she was quickly leaning over me, not hesitating to meet me with a kiss; i'd spotted it just briefly, that hunger, that burning thirst deep in her eyes and i was more than happy to see it fulfilled, to be the one to fulfill it. i sat up against the pressure of her weight, cupping her jaw in my palm as i squeezed her hips between my knees, so ready to take the upper hand from her.

i rendered her breathless, that much i knew, and i was wise enough to use it to my advantage. i planted an all-enveloping kiss across her lips, using any chance i had, including the one i took when i pulled her lower lip between my teeth, nibbling on it teasingly. i kissed her, letting it linger for far longer than i should have, but i loved getting her engines revved, getting her riled up. placing my fingertips on her shoulders, i lightly pushed her back and slid off the table. as i took her up by the face for yet another breath-taking kiss, she leaned into me, weak to my touch. all i knew was that she was overdressed for the occasion and that was a problem that needed an instant remedy. i reached down between us an popped the button on her shorts, not hesitating to tug down on the zipper. wasting no time, i managed to get them down her smooth, tan legs before my hands traversed her hips, her backside, her thighs. i lifted her up by the backs of her thighs, out of her shorts and pressed her into the wall, pinning her with the weight of my body. i shucked the underwear that hung perfectly on her hips and kissed over her collarbones as my fingers made quick work of the clasp on her bra. i removed it, mindlessly tossing it aside with the entirety of my attention focused solely on her and nothing else.

her lips tasted so incredibly sweet on my own, but her skin was even sweeter. my own lips paved their way down the hollow of her throat, over the dip between her collarbones, between her breasts and over her perfectly toned stomach, something i still loved about her. i dropped to my knees as i traced light lines downward from her navel with the tip of my nose, the skin of my lips barely brushing the skin of her lower torso. i placed a tame kiss between her legs as i scooted forward, raising a hand to lift her leg, pulling it to rest on my shoulder. i could feel her fingers tangle in my hair as her hips bucked off of the wall, causing more of her to fill my mouth. her cries and moans only drove me on, only caused my hunger to bloom. i wanted to work harder, to please her, to make her feel as amazing as she had made me feel.

my fingertips pressed into the flesh of her hip and she gave a gentle push on the back of my head, a surefire sign that she was lost to the pleasure i was aching for her to have. "_del-delphine!" _she cried my name and my skin sheeted in goosebumps. her hips rocked again and i knew she was on the precipice, but before i could help push her over, there was suddenly a loud, shrill ringing and for the first time, i could smell the awful scent of burnt food hanging in the air. "_the fucking pizza,_" she hissed, although there was an almost childish sense of laughter ringing in her tone. i groaned in dismay as she slipped away from me, leaving me kneeling on the ground in front of the wall. call me… what is it, old school? but i wasn't quite satisfied until, well, cosima was, too. there was a certain sense of pride and self-fulfillment that i gained from getting her to freefall over that edge. we had gotten carried away, and as a result, i did not doubt that we would order take out most likely after midnight, but i did not care. all i wanted was her.

quickly making my way to my feet, i followed her into the kitchen as she shut off the oven, not bothering to open it. we both knew the damage was done; we didn't really need to see it. i slipped in front of her and lifted her onto the counter by the sink, placing myself between her legs. "so romantic," i teased, but instead of a verbalized response, cosima jumped at the opportunity to kiss me so heatedly and so deeply that it nearly threw me off balance. _damn her!_ i debated teasing her all over again, but i knew better; she had waited long enough. my fingertips danced over her skin in familiar paces before they trekked to their destination, nestled between cosima's body and mine. her back arched, pushing her chest into mine and i delivered what she was silently crying out for, my strokes and strides deliberate, but gentle. i occupied my mouth with hers, conducting the most sensual of dances between my tongue and hers. her nails, no doubtedly, raked up the skin on my sides as she dug them in deep, her teeth sinking into my shoulder as her body began to shake against the motions of my hand. i worked hard, strove to deliver every last bit of pleasure i could give her. her hands found my face and she was kissing me all over again, sending me into such an incredibly disillusioned state. it was like every neuron in my brain short-circuited and i could hardly put much thought to anything. she took hold of my hand and shakily slid off of the counter to stand unsteadily on her feet, leaning into me for support. i held her as she steadied her knees and leveled her breathing, tugging me out of the kitchen and toward the stairs. "so much for dinner," i mused in a sultry giggle. she glanced over her shoulder at me, cocking a brow with a satisfied smirk.

"_j'ai un beaucoup plus grand appétit à remplir, ma chérie._" that was all i needed, to turn to wax and melt by the heat of her flame. some part of me had known before she'd gotten home how the night was going to end, or at least what it would entail, and i could not say i was, in the least, disappointed. it had to have been hours later by the time cosima rolled to my side, her chest heaving as our skin stuck together where it touched, coated in a thin, sheen layer of sweat.

"i'm so easy when you break out the french," i murmured into her hair as i placed a light kiss near her hairline.

"why do you think i do it?" i breathed a soft laugh, giving her side a gentle pinch as an answer. i was quiet for a moment, but she quickly filled the science with her words. "je t'aime."

my lips spread apart in a grin and i tilted her chin back to place a soft kiss on her lips, far less demanding than any of it's predecessors. "i love you too, ma chèrie."

—

sunday rolled in and i knew that sarah would have seraphina back by ten; her last chemo session was to begin at eleven thirty and it was a twenty five minute drive to the hospital. i knew that sera was happy, thrilled to finally be nearing the edge of mandated hospital trips, though this one would not come without it's disadvantages, as we were sure to find out. she was nearly welling up with tears by the end of her session, begging to know if she could stay for a little bit longer, because she was feeling incredibly ill. the nurses had been more than compliant and moved her into an open room, just in case her symptoms elevated and we needed to make it an all-nighter. i had dozed off, but awoke a short while later to find one of the nurses changing the bag in the trashcan next to the bed sera was curled up, asleep, in.

i wiped the sleep from my eyes and cleared my throat, as not to startle her. she turned and greeted me with a smile and a gentle hello, but i was quick to notice that something was missing, or some_one_, rather. "do you know where cosima went?" i asked her in a quiet whisper.

she tilted her head toward the door and to the left. "i think she went around the corner and down the hall." my brow wrinkled in curiosity.

"the maternity ward?"

"that was the last place i saw her." i shrugged and got to my feet, figuring i might as well venture out to find her.

"come get me if she wakes up?" i posed and lilian responded with a smile and a warm nod. with that, i followed her direction and turned the corner, making my way down the hall. i pressed through the double doors and nearly stopped in my tracks at what i saw, just wanting to drink in the moment forever. cosima stood, wrapped in her own arms, before the giant pane of glass, staring in at the various infants, some newborn, some a few days older. i quietly sidled up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist, my chin resting on her shoulder as i followed her gaze. she jumped only slightly, her hands falling to lie atop mine. "what'cha doing?" i posed softly in her ear.

"just looking," she answered, almost too quickly. "did you know that over a third of these babies were either left her under the safe haven law or lost their parents by other means?" my face softened, though i was fully aware she could not read my expression from where she was. so that was what this was about; her roots. "they're orphans. just like i was." i squeezed her tighter, nuzzling into the crook of her neck. "i mean… i got lucky, i truly did. so many kids fall into the wrong families… but not me. i just… it's so hard to think about the ones that do, you know?"

i didn't want to let her go, to think even for a minute that she could possibly get away. "you can't save them all," i informed her as gently as i could manage. i felt her posture slack in disappointment, but i was not finished. "but that doesn't mean that we can't try to save one of them."


	19. Chapter 19

**a/n:** THIS PAINS ME, JUST AN FYI, but alas, this is the final chapter of this woman's work, and i just want to take two seconds to give mention to every last bit of support everyone has given me. i can honestly say i'm proud of something for the first time, and it's because of the encouragement everyone has been so quick to give me. thank you for taking time out of your day to read my little story and encourage me to keep writing. (don't get too upset, there's still an epilogue coming. mwuhahaha.) enjoy!

—

if there was one thing i absolutely could not stand in the world, it was paperwork. i understood that it's a necessary evil, that it's something that _has_to be done in certain situations, but it never made me loathe it any less. over the weeks that followed sera's final chemotherapy appointment, our home was nothing short of a madhouse— cosima and i had spent incredibly long nights in bed, discussing every last inch of the decision we were making. when it all came down to it, it truly hinged on not if, but when sera would go into full remission. it was a slow process, but i was clinging to hope. cosima and i had made a promise, one that we both intended to keep and we had come to a point where we both knew we were reaching that finish line, it was just a matter of when it was going to happen.

the angel that she was, cosima had taken on the duty of filling out the majority of the paperwork when it came to filing to even be considered as suitable for the _possibility_ of adopting a child. knowing that it was such a process, it tied my stomach in knots, just not in the good way. it was as though the idea had been put in my head, and i had put it into cosima's and i didn't want to wait, i didn't want to traverse the system. i wanted to speed through time, to jump to a point where everything came back around, when we got to be happy, got to be a _family_. every so often, cosima, who was slouched over her desk, one hand pressed to her forehead and the other fidgeting with her pen, would tut at me to get my attention from the leather chair a few feet away, indicating that there was a line i needed to adorn with my signature, or something specific i needed to read. there was a period of thirty to forty five seconds after each of these moments where i would find myself staring at her, at my _fiancè, _so buried in her focus that she did not even care that her glasses were perched on the very tip of her nose, dangerously close to sliding right off of her face, and i could hardly alter my perception of life to match it with that of reality.

it was not until nine days later that i would realize just how much of a dream she truly was.

the rain pounded the windows as the clouds seemed to grow darker overhead, and after a couple of hours of wrestling around with the apples of my eye, i had opted for a nap while i could hear cosima and sera watching movies in the front room downstairs. i had just begun to doze off, barely tethered to any conscious state of mind, but still tethered nonetheless, when the door of my bedroom was nearly blown off the hinges as it was thrown open. before i could even think about sitting up, i was suddenly buried beneath the weight of not only my daughter, but my fiancè as well. groggily, i opened my eyes and found cosima holding the phone out, dangerously close to my face, grinning so widely that i was almost frightened. "go on!" she urged and i obliged her, plucking the phone from her grasp.

"'ello?" i mumbled, still trying to bring myself into the moment.

"hi, ms. cormier, it's doctor haskins. how are you this evening?" immediately, my eyes flew open and i struggled to sit up, clearing my throat.

"g— well, i'm doing well. and you?"

"i'm doing wonderfully, thank you. i was just calling to tell you, as i informed ms. niehaus, that i just got seraphina's panel's back… and i could not wait to call you in to tell you." he didn't have to say it. i knew. i knew by the way cosima was still beaming, and the way sera was nestled into my side. my eyes welled up with tears, against my will, and i tried to blink them back and found myself mildly successful.

"_remission._" the word could hardly be considered even a whisper as it fell from my lips, and i could not contain the sob that escaped me as i heard his words of confirmation. i thanked him, repeatedly, and finally found the ability to hang up the phone, immediately pulling sera and cosima both into my arms, though i held my daughter a bit tighter. "_mon beau petit papillon, vous allez être d'accord._" my words were a choked cry into her hair, but i knew she understood them. in fact, she hugged me tighter, kissing all over the right side of my face. as my laughter settled and i turned to my left, my expression went impossibly soft as i took in the sight, the beauty that was cosima. "and you…" i started softly, lightly seizing her jaw in my palm as i pulled her to me, giving her a teary kiss. "_not a minute of this would have been possible, or bearable, without you. thank you, thank you so much." _she kissed me again and again, but before it could go even an inch further, sera was throwing her weight atop the both of us, giggling in such a way that was so unbelievably sweet. cosima and i, as if we were one, lunged toward her and began to tickle her relentlessly. she thrashed about and giggled so hard a few tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. her laughter only seemed to harmonize with mine, with cosima's, creating the most beautiful, melodic sound i had ever heard.

as we settled, the laughter dying down, cosima's demeanor seemed to shift almost instantaneously and she bore an alarmingly serious expression. "what's wrong?" i asked her, sitting up on my elbows. her face cracked into a smile and she slid on the bed, pulling her phone out of the waist of her shorts. her fingers set to work and i was still staring at her expectantly, waiting for an answer.

"we've got plans." her eyes wrinkled a the corners with her beaming grin. "so you," she said, nodding pointedly at me, "should get in the shower. and _you_," this time, her pointed nod was directed at sera, who perked up at the mention, "come with me. operation buzz lightyear has commenced." in spite of the fact that it seemed like nothing but gibberish to me, sera's eyes went wide and she was out of the bed in a heartbeat, taking off down the hallway. i eyed cosima inquisitively, but she did nothing but offer me a cheeky grin before she turned on her heel and strode out of the room. i heaved a sigh, immensely frustrated with how clueless i felt, but after a moment, i gathered myself up and did as cosima had instructed, pulling myself into the shower. i took my time, relished in the feel of the hot water as it trickled over my skin. although she hadn't outright said it, i had a feeling that cosima would be none too bothered with the amount of time i took. it was nearing forty five minutes as i finished drying my hair and made a move to step back into the bedroom to rummage around for something to wear, a towel tied loosely around my chest, but i was caught off guard as i pulled the door open. there, on the bed, sat seraphina in a lilac colored dress, a intricately made crown of flowers sitting atop her head. next to her, though, was a dress. no, it was _the_ dress. it was the dress i had stopped for, admiring it from a warm san fran sidewalk on one of our many walks through the city.

"time to get dressed, maman," sera instructed me, flourishing her hand toward the dress. i smiled down at her, knowing better than to question what, exactly was going on and gave a nod, doing as she told me. i slid into the dress, adjusting it so that it hugged all of the right places and sera jumped to her feet, zipping up the back of it before i could even ask for her assistance. she stepped back and held her hands behind her back, looking up at me with this awestruck sparkle in her eyes. "_maman…_" she managed, covering her mouth with her hand. "_you look… beautiful._"

i knelt down before her and held my arms out, hugging her tightly as she ran into them, wrapping her own little arms around my neck. "now can you tell me _why_ i look beautiful?" i attempted, but she pulled back and cocked an eyebrow at me, one that said i knew better than to ask. instead, she helped me to my feet and pulled out the shoes that i'd known a very long time ago, would compliment the dress in a fantasy world, a fantasy world that was ebbing into the likes of reality. instead of putting them on, i picked them up, hanging them from my fingers by the straps as sera took hold of my hand.

"are you ready?" she asked me, those big, soft green eyes smiling up at me. i did not ask again and instead, i gave her small hand a squeeze and nodded, falling into step behind her as she pulled me into the hallway and down the stairs. if i had been thrown by what had already been going on, it was nothing compared to the way my breath nearly flew right out of my lungs as i took in the sight of what used to be my living room. instead, the furniture had been pushed aside and there was a pathway through the center of the room, illuminated by too many tea candles to count. at the end of the opened path stood sarah, a warm smile tugging on her lips. it was next to her, though, that i saw the vision of my life, of my future. the dress that hung from her frame made her seem a vision of pure light and happiness; she was an angel. immediately, all of the pieces of the puzzle slid into place.

"i… what have you been up to?" i asked her, the smile audible in my voice.

cosima stepped forward and held out her hands for me to take, and i did so, stepping into her, fighting every last urge i had to kiss her, perhaps a bit prematurely. the way her shoulders looked so bare as a result of the strapless hem of her gown, it drew my eyes to it, especially with the way she sauntered forward, shrugging her shoulders. "oh, you know. saving the world, mowing the grass, planning an impromptu wedding months beforehand and throwing it all together at the last minute. you know, all in a day's work." my eyes were clouded with tears and my urge to kiss her was even stronger than it had previously been. "sarah here was ordained a month and a half ago for this very purpose," she informed me proudly, giving my hands a gentle squeeze. she really had thought of everything, hadn't she? she tugged me up toward sarah and as i turned, i saw sera and kira to the side, grinning up at us. very obviously, everyone had been in on this except for me. it reminded me of the night that she had asked me about the bands, about how nothing cosima niehaus had ever done was _ever_ traditional.

her hands still clung to mine as i watched her like a hawk, the way she drew in a deep breath, preparing to start what could be deemed as her vows. "delphine," she started, her smile causing her cheeks to bunch up in the way that shifted her glasses ever so slightly, "i would love to say that i have dreamed about this moment for so many weeks past, but that would entail actually having been able to sleep. i have, however, pictured it time and time again, thinking about how it could possibly feel…" she paused, breathing a nervous chuckle. "i don't need an audience to be nervous; never have. in fact, the only thing that has ever really made me nervous… well, is you. you're the reason i fall asleep at night and the reason i wake up in the morning. you're the reason my heart jumps in my chest, the reason my palms sweat and my thoughts intertwine. you are my rhyme and my reason, my night and my day. with this vow, i promise to love you through our ups and our downs, through our brights and our darks. i promise to hold your hand when you're too afraid to kill a spider, and to let you fall asleep with your head in my lap. i promise to put you, and our family, first for as long as i live." by the time she finished speaking, i was so overcome with emotion that i could hardly get my head around it.

there was a pause in the air and i hesitated, suddenly reaching the conclusion that it was my turn. i was racking my brain, knowing i was going to have to do this on the fly; wasn't that how things always were with cosima? "every time i lost faith, at any point in my life, my mother would always assure me that i'd simply toed off of the path i was meant to be on. all my life, i believed that no matter how disparaging, no matter how horrible, everything happened for a reason. even when i thought my world was going to fall apart, a brighter light was just around the corner. _you_ were that brighter light. you learned to love, not only me, but my pride and my joy, and you have completed our family, no matter how many more additions the future has to bring. on this day, you become the new home we have needed, the heart and the love we require to survive. _la combustion de notre amour est suffisant pour chauffer les paumes du monde et le cœur de l'univers. _it means, 'the burning of our love is enough to heat the palms of the world and the heart of the universe.' i vow to love you until my dying day, cosima niehaus, and infinitely throughout the rest of time." i managed to look down at her, knowing what i would find; her cheeks were streaked with tears despite the fact that she was smiling like a small child on christmas. as we both turned to look at sarah, she spoke before we could move.

"with the power vested in me, i now pronounce you wife and wife." she paused, a toothy grin canvasing her features. "now g'on! kiss!" the girls cheered somewhere behind us, but cosima grabbed hold of my face and pulled me toward her, kissing me as forcefully and passionately as she could manage, melting me on the spot.

after a few moments, she pulled back and looked up at me, her eyes brightly shining in the flickering light of the candles. "i love you, delphine niehaus," she murmured at me, stealing another chaste kiss. i was smiling so hard at hearing those words roll so beautifully off of her tongue that i couldn't even fathom trying to put my feelings into words. i loved her too, from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. all of her motives had always been so clear, but in that moment, they were crystal. we had been waiting on the word, knowing it was coming, that sera was healthy. we had promised that we would wait, that we wouldn't tie that knot until we were certain, but we were also going to have better luck when it came to working with the adoption agencies with a valid marriage license. she knew all of this, took all of it into very careful consideration, and it was one of the many, various reasons that i was so very in love with her.

cosima had pieced together my life far better than i ever could have managed, and i thoroughly believed that she was _meant_ to be in my life, that she was _meant _to save me. and no, she was my wife. my _wife._ we were _married._ most of all, though, we were _happy._

—

"hey, hey. look at me." i instantly snapped out of the trance i had fallen into and followed the sound of cosima's voice, making eye contact with her, feeling immediately grounded and leveled. her fingertips brushed along the line of my cheekbone and i turned into her touch, closing my eyes as i drew in a long, slow breath. "you're nearly shaking," she informed me, laughing softly, her palm laying snugly against the curve of my cheek. "are you really that nervous?"

slowly, my eyes opened again and i looked down at her, giving the slightest of nods. it had been close to a month and a half since we'd last heard anything about the whole adoption process, and we had both been equally excited and nervous. we'd gotten the call that morning that a few of the foster homes around the city were having open houses and that we had nothing but green lights ahead. so we'd printed out the list, picked sera up from her best friend's, where she had stayed the night before, and headed out. the only thing between me and the very first home we went to was cosima, and i could feel the warmth emanating off of her in waves. "i've never done this before. i mean…it's just…" i paused, glancing up at the house before looking back down at her, my mouth a bit dry. "like you said… it's going to be hard knowing that there's a choice, that you have to pick." in a manner that i had used on her plenty of times before, she held my face in her palms, pushing my cheeks together just slightly. she leaned into me, pressing her lips just barely to the corner of mine. she didn't have to say anything; the expression on her face, the gleam in her eyes, they spoke loud enough for her. to my left, seraphina picked up my hand and i smiled, giving hers a squeeze. my eyes locked with cosima's and i took another quick kiss. "thank you," i told her softly, honestly. she waved me off with a grin and picked up my free hand, tugging on it as the three of us made our way up the walk.

i had been called things like 'poised' and 'well-spoken,' my entire life, but as a mother, when you walk into a place filled with children who deserve so much more, it's overwhelming beyond any form of measure. i had a natural instinct to pick all of them up into my arms and find a place for them in our home, but i knew that i was living in a dream world. i still could not find words to express what i felt in those moments, the pain that hit me at knowing there were people in the world who couldn't find it in their hearts to love these amazing little children. we spoke with the foster parents for a few moments as sera ventured in to play with a few of the older kids, but as i continued to ask questions, i had not noticed that cosima had wandered away from me. when i finally clued into the fact that she was no longer by my side, i raised my head to look around for her, but she did not take long to find.

in the corner of the next room, there she sat, directly next to a small toddler who was in a blue jumper and had a wild mop of dark brown hair atop his little head. he clutched a large plastic letter and swung it around excitedly as he looked up at the woman next to him, a bit startled by her presence. i had been so focused on the scene splayed before me that i was hardly paying attention to the social worker speaking behind me. she touched my shoulder and i turned to face her, blinking away my surprise. "i… i'm sorry, what was that?" i responded sweetly, attempting to maintain my composure.

"that little boy," she clarified by glancing over at cosima, "he's got an array of developmental disabilities. he's got no communication skills and doesn't engage with any of the other children at all."

"what's his name?" cosima piped up, her brow raising over the frame of her glasses in curiosity.

"nikolai," the woman responded curtly, anxious to continue on with her warnings that the little boy was more than we could handle. i tuned her out, though. instead, i met the gaze of my wife from across the room and judging by the smile she wore, i was practically reading her mind. _tesla,_ i mused inwardly, breathing a soft laugh. as i watched cosima, she pulled the little boy, who couldn't have been much older than a year, into her lap and pulled a small toy in front of them. from what i could see from across the room, it was a small barn with holes in the roof where the plastic letters, much like the one nikolai had been waving around, would fit through, according to color. she gathered the other three letters and set them atop the toddler's legs. silently, she pointed to one of the letter-shaped holes, the third one over; c. niko followed the path of her finger and reached out to touch it, just as she did. after a moment, he sat back and looked at the toys in his lap, his tiny hands hovering over them as if he was deep in thought. he reached down and picked up one of them, though i couldn't see which, and raised it up to the roof, pressing down. it slid through and immediately, it was clear that he had picked the correct one. cosima was grinning from ear to ear as she pointed toward another, indicating for him to repeat the process.

"it would take a great deal of medical testing and—" she was still talking, but i didn't care. however, cosima had heard enough.

"he doesn't have 'developmental disabilities,'" she declared, meeting eyes evenly with the social worker.

"and you know this how?"

cosima's jaw set in a way i had never seen before, and i could tell she was biting back venomous words. instead, she plastered on a smile and looked back down at the baby in her lap, who was fascinated with the pig figurine in his hands. gingerly, she pulled it away and angled him on her knee, pressing a finger into his chest. she held up a hand and tucked in her thumb, folding the first to fingers over it. the baby stared at her hand and reached up to touch it, to size up his own hand against the mass of hers. after a moment, though, he was staring at his palm and suddenly, mirroring her gesture. she glanced up at me and grinned before returning her gaze back to him, closing her hand into a fist before popping up her pinky. it took a little longer, but again, nikolai matched her. her fingers shifted to hold up the first two, placing her thumb wedged between them. it seemed as though he was on his way to copy her again, but instead, he lost interest and reached up for her glasses, pulling them off in one quick swipe, causing her to laugh. after wrestling them away from him, she slid them back onto her face, which sported a cocky, self-satisfied smirk. "he's how old?" she posed, to which the foster father answered, informing her that he was fifteen months. "okay, so fifteen months and he already understands imitation and has just learned the first two letters of his own name." she was grinning, so pleased to be the most intelligent person in the room. "there's nothing _wrong _with him. he's deaf." the social worker sputtered a bit, gobsmacked that she had been showed up so effortlessly.

"but can you two really take on that kind of responsibility?" since the first meeting we'd had with this particular social worker, cosima had been courteous enough with her, but instantly assessed by the gold cross that hung around her neck and her stand-offish behavior that she was in the wrong business in the wrong city. she was uncomfortable by the premise of our relationship, and that was her right, but it was getting in the way of her ability to do her job. cosima pulled nikolai into her arms and got to her feet, making her way over to where we were all standing, a fire blazing in her eyes.

"didn't you hear me?" she asked evenly, her jaw bulging just barely. "i told you, there's nothing wrong with him. just because he can't hear, it doesn't mean that he doesn't deserve a place to call home, a group of people to call family. how _dare_ you try to discourage _anyone_ from opening their heart to loving a child, especially one that requires a little extra love and attention. did you know that it's easier to teach children under the age of three american sign language than it is to teach them english?" i moved to stand beside her, glancing down at the smiling face of the little boy in her arms and for the first time, noticed just how opaquely blue and beautiful his eyes were. "you should be ashamed of yourself," she informed her, though she never raised her voice. "we'll be calling for another social worker who is a little more able to 'handle' our familial situation, and then we'll immediately get to filing the paperwork to give a child, this child, a home where he will be appreciated, understood, and loved." if i would not have known any better, i could have sworn that the social worker was nearly quaking in her boots. i think it was because she was terrified that the next words out of cosima's mouth were going to be 'and i'll be sure to report you,' but i knew that would never happen; even cosima wasn't that spiteful.

the moment she put him in my arms, i knew i was in love. despite the fact that he was silent, nikolai never seemed to stop smiling. he was so fascinated by all of the attention, by the presence of people who were actually paying attention to him. he was so genuinely happy and adorable that my heart melted just looking at him. it was when i saw him with seraphina, though, that i knew that even though it seemed like such a rushed decision, we could not have possibly made a better one.

that night, as the two of us tucked her into bad, sera was riddled with questions about niko and whether or not she would get to see him again. i think she knew, she understood. i ran my fingers through her soft blonde curls and smiled down at her, leaning over to place a light kiss on her forehead. "go to sleep, papillon. maybe we can go see him again tomorrow."

—-

"delphine! your mother's on the phone!" cosima's voice carried up the stars and down the hall, grabbing my attention from where i was in the bedroom, checking the inventory of gifts we had compiled through the course of the year.

"coming!" i hopped down the stairs and swung around where she stood in the kitchen, plucking the phone from her hand before i pressed it to my ear. "bonjour, merè!" i greeted her, picking up a grape from the bowl sitting on the counter just behind cosima.

"joyeux noël, delphine!" i smiled and returned her well wishings, leaning with my back against the counter. "i was calling because i got your package and your card." i hummed inquisitively and she continued. "i have to say, sera makes a proper reindeer. though, i'm not sure anything is cuter than niko in that elf hat." my eyes traveled up the front of the refrigerator to see a copy of the exact picture she spoke of, the one we put in all of the christmas cards we'd sent out. in it, i was lying on my stomach, my chin resting on my hands, and to my left, cosima leaned against my side, holding onto niko's hand as he stood on my back, seraphina's hands on either side of him, holding him upright and still. it was, quite frankly, chaos in a photo, but at the same time, it summed us up perfectly.

after a few moments of chatting with my mother, i bid her adieu and sent with her the love and well wishes of cosima and seraphina. after i hung up the phone, i turned my attention to the living room, where cosima sat cross-legged on the couch, niko in the crook of her legs, sera perched on the couch to her side. i stopped mid-way into the room to admire the view, which drew a curious glance from cosima. "what are you doing?" she posed gently, to which i simply smiled.

"admiring a masterpiece."


	20. Epilogue

**a/n:** SO THIS IS IT. i've been working on this epilogue for four days now and i am very happy with the outcome; it's everything i had planned for and more. thank you all again so very much for your kind words and encouragement. i might just have to start up something else soon!

_*memories in order of relevance, not in sequential order_

**epilogue**

_**fifteen years later.**_

"you're going to be late if you nitpick any longer." i glanced over my shoulder to look at cosima, my rose colored lips sliding apart into a smile as i rolled my eyes at her.

"well sorry," i shot back, spinning the stool i was on around to face her, "not all of us can be ready for our wedding two months ahead of time." instantly, cosima's cheeks flushed and i couldn't help but laugh. "operation buzz lightyear, hm?" i posed quietly, glancing down at my hands, how tan they seemed in comparison to the white of the gown beneath them. i lifted my head to steal a glance at my mother and although i was sure i'd rained a bit on my own parade, she was wearing a small smile. she folded an arm over her waist, holding onto her left elbow as her hand hovered just below her chin. perhaps absent mindedly, her thumb ran over the black ink on her ring finger and there was a distant twinkle in her eyes.

"_to infinity and beyond._" her whispered words were quiet, but they caused tears to prick at the back of my eyes.

"stop that," i chided her quietly, dabbing at the corner of my eye, "you're going to ruin my makeup before i even get out there." cosima crossed the room, coming to stand in front of me as she held my hands gently in hers.

"your maman would be so proud of you," she told me, reaching up to touch the side of my face, and i nodded sadly in return. i cleared my throat and looked up at her as she fixed the loose blonde curls that fell over my shoulders.

"have you seen niko? how's he doing? is he still okay with this? i-" before i could keep going, cosima put her hands on my shoulders and leaned forward, meeting my gaze.

"seraphina, deep breath. you're going to drive yourself insane and then you'd leave your fiancè waiting at the altar and we wouldn't want that."

holy shit. i was getting _married_.

_there's something to be said about fighting a battle, something more to be said about waging a war, but when it comes to waging that war twice? that is one thing that has always been, for me, beyond the measure of words. i had grown up under the notion that the hardest days of my life were behind me. i had blindly hoped that it was a reality i could exist in happily, but life worked in mysterious ways, didn't it?_

_being sixteen, it seemed as though there were few things that mattered more than homecoming dates and football games, at least to most people in the city. i, however, tended to care more about curling up with a good book and a hot cup of coffee than school functions and popularity contests. i didn't party excessively with my peers and instead would have opted for a night in having movie marathons with my best friend time and time again. she was a year older and a grade ahead of me, but she still spent a great deal of her time helping me study when i needed it; she knew how much it meant to me to keep up my 4.0; not only was it a feeling of self-accomplishment, but i knew that both my mom and my maman could rest a little easier knowing i wasn't going to fail out of high school and start flipping burgers at a fast food restaurant._

_as spring of my sophomore year rolled around, i started to feel unseasonably under the weather. i was constantly tired, lacked any motivation or desire to get out of bed in the morning, and couldn't stop thinking about the pain in my stomach long enough to focus on anything being taught to me. at first i had assumed that it was the flu, that it would eventually go away, but the longer i let it go, the worse it got. i didn't want to blow it out of proportion, or make it seem like i was just looking for attention. in retrospect, i should have known better, but i was stubborn, just like my mom. _

_it was the night of prom, but as an underclassman, i wasn't allowed to go unless asked by a senior, and that was quite alright with me. however, despite the fact that she could have gone, kira insisted that it wouldn't be as fun if she couldn't have her best friend there to enjoy it alongside her. instead, we had settled on going to see a movie and planning to grab pizza afterward, though we'd never get that far and not for reasons i would have been preferential to. as we climbed out of kira's car, i was hit with an overwhelming sense of nausea but tried to choke it back, though the instant sense of vertigo was assisting with quite the opposite. i ran my hand along the smooth surface of the car as i attempted to make my way around it, but before i could meet her around the back, everything went black._

_when i awoke, i was in a place all too familiar, a place i never wanted to find myself in ever again. the sudden assault of light caused me to groan, squeezing my eyes shut at my failed attempt to open them. my hand was instantly enveloped by a warm hold and i gave another go at prying my eyes open. when i did, i saw my maman at my bedside; her eyes were red and swollen and i knew in an instant that she had been crying. there was only one reason i would be where i was, waking up to see my mother in tears. _

_as it turned out, a couple of cells that had plagued me as a child had reappeared, only in a mutated structure, one that had metastasized to my bones. i should have been scared, terrified even, but it had been caught early enough that although it would be taxing, it could be treated. it seemed so much more frightening, the idea of battling that demon at an older age. what if it bested me? what if i didn't have that kind of will, the kind i'd been so capable of when i had been a child. i did not cry, though my maman did, just like cosima did. crying would be of no use to me; i would not mourn for myself because i hadn't lost anything, and if i had any say in it, i wouldn't. _

_i had dozed off some time in the afternoon and when i came to, the sun had set and i could see the night sky outside the window of my hospital room. in an almost delayed fashion, i realized that someone was holding my hand. i expected it to be my maman, but when i glanced over, i was startled to see kira. "hey," she greeted with a smile, leaning toward me. when she spoke again, she knew that she was the only one who could say something so obvious and get away with it. "how'ya feeling?" i actually laughed, rolling my eyes at her._

_"like a basket of roses," i answered with a quiet chuckle. the truth was, i felt like i was seconds away from a nervous breakdown. i wasn't sure the sixteen year old me could be as brave as the six year old me had been. i tugged gently on her hand and she let go, moving to sit on the edge of my bed. we were quiet for the longest time, her fingers padding lightly on the bed while i was trying to keep it together, but i wasn't succeeding. instead, after a few more moments of silence, i broke. the tears started before i even knew they were coming and i was gripping tightly at kira's hand. "i'm scared," i admitted, my voice cracking in desperation. her face softened and she brushed her thumb over my knuckles._

_"don't be. if anyone can do this, it's you." her words were sweet, but the cynical side of me immediately won out._

_"miracles don't happen twice." i watched my words strike a nerve in the intricate lines of kira's contorted facial expression. she had opened her mouth to say something, but the dam walls had busted and there was an outpouring of emotion from the very core of who i was. "and if they do, what does it matter? who's going to want to fall in love with a ticking time bomb? who's going to want a bald girlfriend? who could **possibly** want anything to do with... with this?!" the tears were pouring down my cheeks and i had to squeeze my eyes shut to keep the them at bay. i could hear the shifting to my right, but i was too focused on trying not to slide even farther into the abyss. before i could find the strength to open my eyes, i was completely and entirely caught off guard at a warm sensation on my lips. startled, my eyes flew open and i was staring at kira at close range. i opened my mouth to say something, but no words came out. i was flabbergasted.  
_

_"i do," she started, watching me carefully to gauge my reaction as she kissed me again, this time more delicately, "i do, and... oh yeah, i do." she lightly took my hand into both of hers, holding it in her lap. "if you can't fight for you, then fight for me. you're my best friend, sera, and i... i need you around, okay?" her voice trembled and i could tell that she was just as blown away as i was by the last hundred and fifty seconds._

_i breathed a soft chuckle and gave her hand a squeeze. "call me crazy," i started softly, "but i'm pretty sure best friends don't kiss other best friends like **that.**" kira's face broke into a smile and she lightly swatted at my leg. seeing that light in her expression, it compelled me. "or like **this**." i leaned up and cradled her cheek, holding her still so that i could press my lips neatly to hers, finding every last bit of resolve i would need for the fight ahead in the taste they offered._

i turned back around to face the mirror and suddenly, a tidal wave of nerves smacked right into me. this was it, this was the day i dreamed of as a little girl. maybe i'd even known who i'd be standing across from, but maybe that had just been wishful thinking as a child. there were so many things going through my mind at once time, so many things i could hardly fathom. i was trying to be brave, to be happy, and to not let anything put a damper on the day, my _wedding day._ i was hard, though, when i tried to take in the bigger picture.

of course this was shallow of me; there were still so many things about that day to be happy about, to be absolutely thrilled over. it would do me no good to dwell in the past, the wish so desperately that i could change things that were beyond my grasp. it was still a process, really, learning to mend and heal. thankfully, i had the most amazing woman in the world holding my hand through it, letting me fall asleep on her shoulder, which (more nights than not) had become soaked in my tears. _that_ was the woman i was going to spend the rest of my life with. _that_ was the woman i was going to make the most of every day with. the one who held my hand when i faltered and guided me to safety, the one who had known my favorite color since she was eight, the one who had never let me forget what it was just to be alive, and to be happy in doing so.

as i glanced at cosima's reflection above my own, i offered a small smile, trying to reverse the polarity of my thoughts. i glanced at the empty space above the sweetheart neckline of my dress and for a moment, i was hit with a pang of guilt. before cosima could ask me what was wrong, the door opened behind her and sarah slipped in, donning a rather proud grin. she greeted her sister before turning to me, her smile only growing.

"well look at you," she mused, raising an eyebrow. "really, though. you look absolutely beautiful, love." she stepped forward and wrapped me up in a warm hug. sarah and i'd had more than a handful of long, contemplative conversations over the years, and in our most recent one, she'd empathized with me in assuring me that she, personally, was positive that my maman was proud of me, of the way i was living my life, even if i ever came to doubt that. i knew it was because she, too, was a mother, and she simply _understood._ for that, i was thankful. as i pulled back, sarah held up her hand, obviously holding something in it. "however, i think you might look more beautiful with this." she just barely moved her fingers and a gold chain and locket dropped down. _my_ locket. the locket my mother had given to me as a graduation present, the same locket that i had lost on my twentieth birthday. "monkey told me to tell you that she was going through a few unpacked boxes from when you lot moved and it was in an old jewelry box." sarah pulled it around my neck and worked on fastening it as she spoke. "and she also said, and i quote, 'i told you it would be where you were least expecting it.'" her impression of her daughter was, as always, quite hilarious, but i couldn't help but smile at the thought of hearing kira's voice musing the same thing to me oh so many months ago.

"most things usually are, aren't they?" i asked, glancing at her over my shoulder in the mirror.

_"c'mon," i murmured, unlacing our fingers as we made our way into the house. i attempted to shut the door as quietly as possible, but my maman had a keen ear and i knew that she would, without a doubt, be all too aware of my arrival home. we had made it no further than the bottom of the stairs before her head popped around the corner._

_"bonne soirée, papillon. good evening, kira," she greeted. "are you two studying here tonight?" unintentionally, the two of us nodded in sync. i was fully aware of the fact that my maman knew that kira had graduated four months prior, but i think we'd gotten by on the fact that our cleverly constructed ruse of her helping me prep for the SATs held up quite nicely. she turned her attention to kira, her smile still warm and clueless, which was quite alright by me. "want to stay for dinner?" kira gave a small nod and thanked her before we turned and headed up the stairs, grinning like two idiots, trying not to laugh._

_the moment i shut the door, leaning against it, though, that was all out the window. my cheeks almost instantly ached from how hard i was smiling, but i didn't care. i wasn't even sure what was so funny, really, it was just the effect she had on me. i let the strap of my messenger bag slide down my arm as, without missing a beat, kira sauntered toward me, her hands instantly making a move for their home on either side of my face. my own hands, like idiots, fumbled for a moment but then found her sides just as she kissed me, leaving me entirely and completely reeling. i instantly stepped into her, backing her into my bed as i helped her get free of her jacket, throwing it aside haphazardly. she reached down between us and pulled up on my sweater, stripping it off and paying no heed to where it landed on the floor. as she did so, though, pulled forward, causing me to lose my balance, falling into her and simultaneously on top of her as we hit the bed, giggling wildly as we kissed. it was true; i was a lovestruck teenager and had been since that night almost two years prior in the hospital, even through the thirteen month relapse and the hell it entailed. i had kira, that was what mattered._

_i was thankful for the guise of our close friendship, to be honest. it provided a cover of comfort until we were ready and able to figure out the sticky situation we were in. we were afraid of how our parents would react; cosima was... well, my mom but at the same time, she was also kira's aunt and... it got to be too much of a headache if i would dwell on it for too long. instead, it was much easier to go about our lives how we so chose, which involved a lot of whispered giggles and quieted make out sessions. that evening seemed no different in the least, but i could not have been any more wrong about that. as we laughed and kissed, kira flipped me onto my back and straddled my waist, leaning over me which caused the ends of her hair to tickle my face. _

_my hands had started to roam over her hips, beneath her shirt, and were trekking higher, but in an instant, i realized two very terrible things: 1: i had been in such a hurry to kiss her that i had not locked the door. 2: my mother was coming through it at a seemingly accelerated pace._

_"oh sera, i meant to- **oh!** merde, merde. je suis désolé! mon dieu!" with that, she was shutting the door and i was positive that i was about eighty different shades of red. well, so much for the cover of comfort. i could hear the echo of my heart hammering clear up in my skull and my palms were instantly clammy, my stomach dropping several stories beneath me. my skin must have instantly paled because kira was holding my face, looking down into my eyes. _

_"hey, hey. it's okay. i mean... we were gonna get here eventually, yeah? maybe i could... you know, just call my mom and have her come over... we can properly tell them when cos comes home." she stopped and chewed on her bottom lip, her next words gentle and quiet. "i mean... that is, only if you want to. i... don't feel rushed or anything it's just... well, the cat's out of the bag now." her lips tugged up in the cutest of smiles and despite the fact that i could feel the panic tightening up my chest, she was soothing me, diffusing my nerves. the truth was, i had no real reason to be worried; it wasn't like my maman or my mom were going to disown me, it was just a bit of a... bizarre situation to explain. then again, who really **hadn't** seen it coming? she had been there for me through all of my bad days, never once letting me feel like i was alone. she was nearly the only other kid my age that i was ever around when i was younger, and there was something special that rooted in that bond. _

_the older we got, well, it seemed like the years only tied us closer together and inevitably, someone **had** to have had at least some idea that it was a possibility. truth be told, i was rather impressed by the fact that we hadn't been found out sooner; a year or so, give or take, was rather impressive when it came to being stealthy, but in a heartbeat, that was over and i was so torn between the taste of her lips, her skin, on mine, and dealing with the more pressing matter at hand. as tempting as it was to stay there with her pretending like nothing had happened, it was probably going to be easier to just get it out of the way. i sat up, wrapping my arms around the small of her back, and stole a brief kiss, biting my lip as i pulled away. "go on, then. call her," i loosely instructed with a bit of a lopsided smile, rolling my eyes with a flourish of my hands that indicated surrender. kira took hold of my face and stiffened her posture, tilting my head back so that she could lean down and kiss me, and although i knew it was a gesture of appreciation, it took every fiber of my being to not simply pin her to the bed and relish her with kisses. in the skip of a heartbeat, she pulled away and removed herself from my lap to fetch her phone, leaving me feeling unsatiated and rather cold. with a groan, i flopped back onto the bed, closing my eyes as i could hear kira's voice from the other side of the room, and the way her pitch hiked just slightly because of how excited she was. _

_it was that very moment that took away my doubts, my fears. she sounded so honestly... happy. that was all i ever wanted for her, to be happy. in turn, it spread to me, like a warmth traveling from her to me, emanating outward to encompass me as a whole. her joy, her laughter, they were the only things worth truly living for. i sat up on my elbows, watching her as she hung up the phone and looked over at me, an oddly happy, alluring smile hanging on her lips. i turned a palm upward and beckoned her with a finger. she obliged and knelt on the bed over me, my hands cradling her face. "i love you, you know?" she asked me, causing a smile to bloom on my lips as i went in for a kiss._

_"i do know. and i know i love you, as well."_

_as we sat on the couch across the room from my mother, cosima, and sarah, i could hear my heart hammering away, thudding steadily against my ribcage, begging to be set free. in that moment, i wanted nothing more than to be able to hold her hand, but i knew better. we couldn't just jump in head first. my mouth was instantaneously dry and i was frantically searching for the proper construct of words to start with. i opened my mouth, but nothing emerged, so i pressed my lips together, swallowing down the lump in my throat. as i started to make another attempt to speak, kira reached over and picked up my hand, squeezing it. despite the fact that i wanted to take in cosima's and sarah's reactions, i couldn't tear my eyes away from my maman. her eyes softened and her lips twitched just slightly before she scooted toward the edge of her seat, holding her hands out for me, beckoning me to her. i stood and crossed the space between us, taking her hands as she pulled me onto her lap, hugging me close. _

_"je t'aime, papillon," she told me, holding me tightly. after a moment longer, i untangled myself from her grasp and returned to my place next to my girlfriend, lacing our arms as i wrapped my fingers between hers._

_"when i relapsed... that first night when you guys went home to sleep, things changed. and it wasn't that we were trying to be secretive... we just... well, i don't really know." i laughed nervously, but kira gave my hand a gentle squeeze; i could almost immediately feel my heartbeat slow and my breathing even out._

_"we didn't want to make things weird."_

_sarah raised an eyebrow. "the night of prom, yeah?" we both nodded in response and sarah's face fell. "shit."_

_cosima shook a fist triumphantly in the air. "aha!" she held a hand out toward sarah expectantly. "pay up, sister."_

_i gawked at them. oh my god, they were serious. completely and utterly serious. "you** bet** on us?!" i asked, my mouth hanging open- partially in disbelief, but partially in amazement. of course they had. when i was younger, i can still vaguely remember the way my maman and my momma used to sneak around, thinking that i didn't know that they smiled at one another an awful lot, or that i couldn't tell that they were happy when they were together. i could finally understand why they thought they were getting away with it. when you're **that** in love with someone, it doesn't matter who you want to know it, because in the end, the whole world can tell. _

_"i had my money on sooner, hones'ly," sarah confessed, causing kira to pick up a pillow from behind her on the couch, throwing it at her mother, who laughed as it collided with her legs. _

_"you two think you're so smooth," cosima mused, rolling her eyes. "please."_

_"oh, don't even," i countered with a grin. "you have absolutely zero room to talk." she shrugged her shoulders, as if she were innocent, and i couldn't help but laugh, shaking my head. she had started to say something of a smart-alleck nature in a retort, i was sure, but kira cut her off._

_"so does that mean we can do this now?" she posed, reaching up to take hold of my face as she kissed me, eliciting a chorus of 'ew!'s and 'gross'es from our mothers. as i glanced at them out of the corner of my eye, they were all flailing to cover one another's eyes and i couldn't refrain from laughing against kira's lips, the happiest i had been in an incredibly long time. _

as sarah gave me a kiss on the cheek for good luck and made her way out, the door swung open not a moment later after a brief tap, and i turned to see my brother, clad in his tux and donning a smile. the moment he saw me, his face lit up and he lifted his hand to point at me before raising it to his eye and sliding it down and finally reaching up by the opposite side of his head with a half-opened hand and pulling it down as he closed it into a fist. '_you look beautiful._' i smiled warmly at him and pulled him close into a hug, holding him tightly for a few long moments.

as i let him go and reached up to fix his wind-swept hair, he noticed maman's locket hanging from my neck and nearly went giddy, reaching up to touch it. i lifted my hands to my ears and puffed out my cheeks and then moved my right hand down to pinch my thumb and forefinger together, raising my hand in an 'OK' gesture before i pointed to the locket as well. '_monkey found it._'

he hesitated for a moment but made a move to do what i was not brave enough to do. with a gentle touch and steady fingers, he popped the locket open and turned me to face the mirror. on the left side, it was a picture of maman and on the right was a picture of the five of us (kira included) the night i graduated from high school. i looked at his reflection in the mirror and caught his eye, giving him a teary smile. i reached for the locket, running my fingers over the smooth gold before i closed it and got to my feet, hugging my little brother tightly once more before letting him go to shoo him away, insisting that he needed to promptly make his way to his post.

_despite the fact that kids my age wanted to have kickball tournaments and light off fireworks on the fourth of july, i had other plans, ones that did not involve leaving the house. maybe it was strange for a ten year old to refrain from social activity, but at the time, i did not care._

_i spent hours upon hours with my brother, helping to teach him more of the things i, too, was learning. as maman and momma learned what was appropriate to teach him at each age group, they taught me, too. i was a quick learner, and always had been; i was more than certain that it was because i grew up knowing how to speak french and english, which i constantly thanked my mother for. _

_we would sit on his bed or on the floor in the living room with flash cards, just practicing with one another, learning together. he was so young, but he knew so much, could process so much. of course, i didn't recognize that at the time, i just knew that what he was learning, i was learning too, and it was going to give me a way to communicate with him, which was all i could have ever really wanted._

_it was like that through the years, though. the older her got, the more his vocabulary expanded. i encouraged him to read in the same way that cosima had encouraged me in my younger years and so, he was constantly asking me with help on translating words he didn't understand, or wanting me to explain certain things. most siblings got annoyed at this type of thing, but i never did. he wanted my help to grow, to learn, and unless i was in a foul mood for whatever reason, i was never one to turn him away or decline that thirst for knowledge._

_when he was thirteen, we had been going through our normal routine of flash cards when i heard something by the door and inconspicously glanced over to see maman peering over the top of momma's head, both of them gawking at the two of us perched on his bed, quizzing one another. i tapped the bed twice and angled my thumb toward the door, causing niko's head to whip up very obviously, which in turn, caused maman to topple backward, pulling cosima down with her as they both hit the ground in a tangle of legs. niko laughed and as i looked up, he was waggling his finger around his ear. 'crazies,' he mused happily with a grin._

i sat back down in front of the mirror and after a moment, i realized that where i was going, i needed to go alone. politely, i turned to cosima and asked if she could give me just a couple of moments to gather myself before everything started moving at such a fast pace that i wouldn't be able to keep up. she kissed the top of my head with both hands on my shoulders and assured me that she would be just down the hall if i needed absolutely anything at all. i thanked her gently and closed my eyes until i heard the clicking of the door, signifying that it was shut.

for a split second, and for the first time that day, i immediately knew that i could not keep hold on the stoic facade i had been managing throughout the day. it was why i had wanted to be alone, why i didn't want anyone around me to bear witness as i fell to pieces. slowly, almost reluctantly, i opened my eyes to stare at the sight before me in the mirror. i truly did look beautiful; i felt beautiful. for a moment, my mind wandered to just how beautiful kira would be at the end of the aisle and how i would probably be so taken by the vision of her that i would most likely trip over my own feet on my way toward her. slowly, my eyes traveled down toward the center of my chest, where my locket hung again, in it's rightful place.

if i had not known any better, i could have sworn that it had taken on an entirely new shine, that it was brighter than it ever had been before. i had known, perhaps weeks before, that the likelihood i could make it through my entire wedding day without at least one lapse into wanting what i couldn't have, was slim to none, and i was right. as i stared hard at the golden heart that made my skin seem so pale in comparison, i could not keep from reflecting onto how simple i once thought it all was, how life shouldn't have been so complicated or difficult. i had reached a milestone in my life, one i had thought about frequently since i was a little girl. i often wondered what it would be like if my dad could have been there. but then, there was cosima, who was to be there alongside my mother, who was going to be there for me. it's funny how life works, isn't it? i thought i'd had it all figured out, that i'd pinned down every detail in the forseeable future, but i had been naive to think that things couldn't change in the blink of an eye.

gingerly, i reached up to touch the locket, succumbing to do what my brother had done moments prior. i opened the locket once more and stared at the reflection of it in the mirror; more specifically, my maman's picture. my eyes fluttered shut once more and i ran over in my mind what it would have been like to see my mother on my wedding day, to kiss her cheeks as she handed me off to my fiancè. it was almost like a dream, a distant future that should have been within my grasp, but had blown away in the wind.

_"mmm, your phoneee." despite the fact that i could hear it ringing from the nightstand, i had no desire whatsoever to make a move to answer it; i was too occupied by what i had started to stop. slowly, i bunched up the bottom of her sweater, kissing over her navel and up her abdomen. i could feel her squirm beneath my lips as she reached for my phone, checking the screen. "s'cos," she murmured, but i was uninterested in any phone call at the moment, especially when i had her so close. i tugged gently on her shirt, pulling her up so that i was in her lap, our chests close together as i pulled her shirt over her head. my lips instantly found her neck as my fingertips traced down the length of her arm, gently prying the phone from her grasp. i tossed it on the other side of the bed with a smirk, my hands canvassing her sides._

_"she'll leave a message," i muttered into her skin, grazing my teeth up the side of her neck, nipping lightly at her ear. it was liberating, really, being able to be alone, to not have to worry about being busted or walked in on. we had moved into an apartment together just before the beginning of my freshman year of pre-med at berkeley. it was in the heart of the city, about a twenty minute trolley ride from campus. it was homey, it was so very... us. even two years later, it felt just as warm and welcoming as it had when we had initially moved in._

_my fingers slid around kira's back, but stopped as my phone started to ring again, seconds after it had stopped. as i glanced over at it, seeing it was momma again, i removed myself from kira's lap and picked up the phone, an instant sense of dread sinking in the pit of my stomach. the sound of her voice immediately put me on high alert; it cracked over her words as she struggled to tell me that they were at the hospital and that i needed to make my way over immediately. as i fought the tears stinging at the backs of my eyes and struggled to keep myself from asking the obvious, i choked out an 'okay,' and hung up. i picked up kira's sweater and handed it back to her as i explained that something was wrong and that i was too shaken to drive to the hospital. it was unlike me, but i knew to trust my gut. i knew that i was running over the worst possible scenarios and in doing so, i was shaking myself up. the anxiety was causing my palms to sweat and my throat to close up; if it got any worse, i knew i couldn't responsibly be behind the wheel of a car._

_kira agreed to wait in the lobby as i took a brief kiss before making my way over to the receptionist. on instinct, i gave her my maman's name, and i was right. she did not tell me what had happened and i did not have the heart to ask. instead, i followed her back through the double doors and around a corner, heading down a hallway until i stopped, seeing my mother and brother both standing in the hallway. in the blink of an eye, like a speeding freight train, it hit me. all at once, i understood. maybe it was in the way she held niko close to her chest. maybe it was in the way their eyes were swollen and red and i could tell they had been crying. maybe it was in the way i had known, the moment my phone rang a second time because of the nagging at the bottom of my heart. with a shaky step, i moved forward, peering into my mother's hospital room. what i saw, it pulled the strength right out of my knees. my stomach was in knots and i had started to collapse, but was surprised when i did not hit the ground. instead, my brother's arms wrapped tightly around me as he pulled me close. he was thin, but he was the tallest kid in his grade, and taller than me by a few good inches. i clung to him, holding him tightly as i gripped his shirt in my palms, sobbing into his shoulder. as i lifted my head a moment later, i glanced over at cosima. she glanced through the window into the room, chewing on her thumbnail, a habit she'd broken long ago, her other arm wrapped around her torso. "a semi blew a stop s-sign," she choked out, digging her teeth into her lower lip to refrain from falling apart in sobs. "the c-car rolled... at least e-eight times... and..." she paused, her lip quivering in a way that pained my heart. i knew even before she spoke again that my mother was never going to wake up again. there was a steady ticking of a machine that was breathing for her, that was keeping her alive. "the collision severed her spinal cord." at this, i cried out again, burying my face into niko's chest, crying harder than even i had realized. _

_as my sobs quieted due to the way niko rubbed my back, cosima found her voice again. "we... they're keeping her... long enough so... so that we..." she couldn't get it out. i knew she was trying, i knew what she meant, but i understood that saying it out loud meant understanding that it was reality, it was honestly and inevitably going to happen. after a few more moments in the hallway to gather ourselves, the three of us made our way into her room. niko closed the door behind us and as he looked over at maman on the bed, his eyes instantly filled with tears. i didn't blame him; she was almost unrecognizable as a result of the bruising and swelling that covered her from head to toe, but i knew it was her. i watched, my breath nervous and shaky in my chest, as niko pulled a chair up next to her bed and pulled her hand in his. he laid his head down on the bed and in the most heartbreaking outpouring of love, he just began to cry. i clutched tightly at cosima's hand, doing everything i could in the world to keep from completely breaking down, though i knew it was probably what was best. maybe it was because the true immensity of what was happening had not fully registered with me. as niko got up from the bed and came to stand against my side, causing me to hold him close, i tugged gently on cosima's hand and led her forward toward the bed._

_i held niko close as cosima moved to take his seat, pulling her glasses up to rest on the top of her head. i could tell almost immediately that she had started crying, but she found her voice, however uneven, as she started to speak. "i... i'm so sorry, delphine. i know that... that i couldn't have prevented this, that i couldn't have stopped it from happening... but i never wanted to face the idea that maybe... maybe i could ever lose you. i never thought that the time i made you breakfast in bed on your birthday would be the last time, or that when i kissed you, i'd never get the chance to do it again. i... i'll never love anyone again, not the way i loved you. and... and n-now... now i'll think of you every time sera laughs, or every time niko makes a silly science pun that i know you taught him." she stopped and pressed her lips to maman's knuckles. "i... i don't want to let you go," she admitted in a weak cry, and my stomach dropped. for as hard as i knew the entirety of the situation would hit me in the coming days, seeing my momma lose the love of her life... it crippled me. cosima got to her feet and leaned over the bed, placing the lightest of kisses across my maman's forehead. "goodbye, delphine. i'll see you again some day."_

_she got to her feet and as she turned around, i could easily tell that she was still crying, the tears staining her cheeks. this wasn't how things were supposed to be. she still had so much life to live, so much to see and do. hesitantly, i let go of niko and shakily made my way over to the chair cosima had previously been in. much like my brother had, i laid my head on the bed, squeezing my eyes shut as i lightly ran my fingers over the back of her hand. i wanted to change it, to fix it, to make it right. in that moment, i would have traded her places in a heartbeat. niko still needed her. i still needed her. she never would have accepted it, even if it were possible; the thought of burying me had been hard enough for her to handle twice throughout my lifetime. _

_"what am i gonna do without you, maman?" i crackled in a broken whisper, moving to hold her hand, just barely. "i... i'll never forget the lullabies you used to sing me, or the way you would braid my hair with the flowers momma would pick." i buried my face in my arm, the tears in a constant state of freefall. "i'll never forget **you,** maman," i cried weakly, sniffling as i lifted my head just slightly. "je vais vous voir dans les étoiles qui illuminent mes nuits. je t'aime."_

_i'd hardly made my way back to the lobby, to kira, before it actually hit me. she looked up at me and got to her feet, heading straight for me, but it hit me like a tidal wave, drowning me. "she's... she's g-gone," i gasped, nearly collapsing into kira as she wrapped me up in her arms. i clutched at her desperately; i felt so unbelievably empty. the one person, the only person i had known my entire life was gone. cosima and niko emerged behind me a few moments later and told us we were more than welcome to come home and stay for the night; i wasn't going to argue. it was exactly what i needed, to be with them. _

_kira and i had pulled down the futon in the den and got ready for bed, but i had an even more sinking feeling in my stomach, like there was something i was missing. i gave her a light kiss and pardoned myself; i could tell instantaneously by the look in her eyes that she understood. i made my way up the stairs and turned to the left, heading for niko's room, but paused when i heard something outside of the master. the door was barely ajar, but it was open just enough. i tilted my head to rest against the door frame, closing my eyes as i listened hard to the sound of cosima's voice._

_"what am i going to do without you?" she questioned brokenly, the sound of her tears evident in her voice. i couldn't see her, but i just knew that she had her chin pointed to the ceiling, that she was speaking to maman. "niko needs you... and seraphina... you're her maman. and... and **i **need you." she got quiet, but i could hear her sniffing gently. "our journey wasn't supposed to end." i clenched my jaw and attempted to blink back my tears, but instead they cascaded down my cheeks once more. i had been so focused on her, on trying to keep myself from falling apart, that i had not noticed niko emerge from his room until he wrapped his arms around me in a hug, causing me to jump, accidentally kicking the door open just sightly. from her spot in the center of the bed, cosima's head whipped up to see us standing there, startled. after a moment, her lips curled up in a sad smile. she pushed aside the photographs and keepsakes she had been pouring over and patted the bed, waving us over._

_we spent the rest of the night going over the family pictures, laughing and reminiscing. i still didn't want to believe it; i knew i wouldn't be able to for days to come. i would think that she was going to call me friday morning to invite us over for dinner, or that she would send me an email to wish my week well on sunday evening. even as cosima and i continued to rifle through photos and talk quietly, nikolai had fallen asleep with his head on her lap. maybe it had something to do with the fact that it was nearing four in the morning, but i had lost hold of most of my emotional bearings. i looked up at momma, tears in my eyes, and finally voiced what i'd been burying all night. "i don't know how to live without her." i wiped at my face, but it only cleared the way for more tears. "i... i mean it. she... i've had her my entire life. i... i don't know what to do." she opened up her arms and i immediately moved to her side, laying my head on her chest, despite the fact that i was crying. after my eyes had run dry, sometime after five, i fell asleep like that, hidden away in a state of subconscious where i didn't have to face the truth._

i dabbed at the corners of my eyes, attempting to keep them from leaking and ruining my makeup, but i was not entirely successful. i had managed to repair any damage done and had started to put on my shoes when there was a light tap at the door and cosima poked her head through. "almost showtime. are you okay?" i smiled warmly at her and gave a nod, inhaling slowly. i got to my feet and made my way over, pulling the door the rest of the way open to see my little brother holding his arm out for me to take. i kissed him lightly on the cheek and threaded my arm through his as we started our journey.

the doors opened and i couldn't help it; my eyes instantly went to kira and i had to bite my lip to keep from gasping; she looked absolutely ravishing, so breathtakingly beautiful. _that _was what i was going to get to wake up to every day for the rest of my life, no matter how long or short it was. we had invited friends and even though it was a small ceremony, it was still just right for us. as we reached the altar, my brother helped me up but then turned his attention to kira. he extended his fingers straight and pressed his thumb to his mouth before he moved his hand down into his waiting palm before he pointed to me. '_be good to her,'_ he instructed, and i couldn't help but breathe a quiet laugh.

kira lifted her hand, pointing out only her index finger and moved it in a circle, her lips curled in a warm, assuring smile. '_always._'

_"you don't have to do this, you know," i informed her, raising a brow curiously. kira simply shook her head at me dismissively and shuffled through the flash cards in her hand._

_"yes i do. i mean, i want to be able to have conversations with your brother that don't always involve a pen and paper. plus, i wanna be able to tell if he's shit talking me when i'm least expecting it." i couldn't help myself; i burst into giggles, rolling my eyes at her. _

_"you could be studying for your chemistry final," i reminded her, nudging her leg with my toes. "just think, once you pass it, we're free for summer." kira's sixteenth birthday had been a couple of weeks earlier and we had both been putting off studying for exams. _

_"you know, i waited far too long to look into this. it's really interesting." i smiled up at her, an undeniable fluttering in my chest. she was so sweet that i could hardly wrap my head around it. as far as she was concerned, she was going to be around frequently enough that she needed to establish a line of communication with niko. in retrospect, i think it was because even then, she knew she was going to be in it for the long haul, i just hadn't quite caught up._

standing there, holding kira's hands in my own, i couldn't fathom, in that moment, just how much i loved her. she had been an integral part of my life, of my survival. she had been my reason for fighting, for trying so hard to make something out of the worst possible circumstances. maybe, in simpler terms, she had imprinted on me at a young age. she'd been my crutch in my younger years before i could even truly understand what that meant. maybe we had been meant for one another all along. no matter the logic behind it, as we stood there, trading our vows, i knew that i finally understood. i had reached a level of comprehension i had never before known possible. as the 'i do's' left our lips and i looked into those beautiful eyes, i could finally _get it. _ that feeling that i got when i looked at her for the first time, when i walked in the door, that was what it was to love someone so much you would literally do anything for them.

that was what it was like to love someone so much that even if they left before they were meant to, living in their memory was the only course of action.

"_you may kiss your bride."_

as her hands found both sides of my face and her lips fell lusciously against my own, i could hear the beating of my heart, like it surrounded everyone that had gathered. as i pulled away, my thumb brushed over her cheek and i couldn't contain my smile.

"i love you to pluto and back."


End file.
